My sweet boy,
I miss you more then words can say. It has been 4 weeks since you left me. I went from being on the top of the world to living a life that now feels like a living hell. My arms yearn to hold you and my lips want to kiss you sweet little head. The sound of you laugher is now something I only hear in my dreams or echoing in the back of my head. Memories are all I now have to hold and that is the worst and lonliest feeling in the whole world.
My life has been so difficult. I know there are other people out there who have lived even tougher ones but Lord knows I don't feel any comfort in that. It had seemed as if we just got things all together when it all just unravled in a blink of an eye. Loosing you has been the hardest thing in my life that I have ever had to go through. I have been forever changed and the person I knew before no longer exists. It saddens me to realize this and know that a life I once dreamed of will just never be a reality.
I go into your room at least once a day praying and asking God for strenght. There have been times that I got mad at him for taking you from me and others where I asked him why. I know that this is all normal but I feel anything but that. Life as I knew it has ceased to exist and that gives me so many mixed emotions that I can't even begin to explain.
My own personal relationships have been hard for me to keep. Small talk has become something I dread! The phone ringing just makes me cringe to think that I will have to yet again pretend like my life is not in shambles right now just so that I can get through a simple phone conversation. The minor problems of those around me are just torture to have to listen to and pretend that I really care about when in deed I don't. I feel guilty for not caring or getting frustrated with these things but I know that everyone elses lives have kept going on while mine has come to a screeching hault. I know I have to live again and move forward but right now all I can do is get by.
The days feel so empty. I want to get up and walk into your room to pick you up and play with you or feed you. In the refridgerator sits the apples and pears I use to make for you to eat. Every time I open the door, part of me breaks again at the very thoguht that they were for you. I've taken all your things that were in the cabinets and moved them to your room just for the fact I cannot keep opening drawers or doors and feel like I want to cry whenever I do it.
Then there are the times it feels as if you were never here. It was such a short amount of time. The time was so great that it feels as if maybe that was the dream rather then the nightmare I am living now. Everyone else only knew you for 4 months but I knew you much longer. I knew you from the very moment God blessed me with you. At night when you were in my belly I use to sit and talk to you or sing to you. You were safe there and I got a chance to know you in a way no one else every would. I'd watch as you would make my belly all sorts of crazy shapes.
I remember how hard it was for me to tell everyone that you were coming. I was so happy to have you join our family dispite the fact that so many people disapproved. All the disapproval made it hard but I didn't care because I already loved you with all my heart. I remember telling daddy that I didn't want a baby shower because I just didn't want people to feel as if they had to do it and silently feel the disappointment in my heart all over again. From the beginning I went out and got things for you because I wanted it to be as special for you as it had been for your big brothers. Not many people ever understood the things I have done in my life but I did and I could not wait to hold you.
The day came for you to be born. You did not want to wait until you were due and picked a day we would never forget! With each labor pain, I remember feeling the presence of Oma and Opa. It was a very sureal feeling. They finally took me back for the csection and I heard your first cry. It still rings in my ears this very moment. I remember looking at you and thinking how perfect you were. The first time I held you was just magic. Holding your baby for the first time is something that never gets old. From the very beginning there was just a special connection between us.
Thinking back on everything, it is no wonder that I feel as terrible as I do. I miss you with ever fiber of my being. Had you not been secial to me it would not hurt like this. I've watched things on the news where people just throw their children away and I wonder why? Why would God just not have taken that child and left you for me to love? I don't think I will ever understand but I do know that the time you were here and even after, you were loved beyon measure.
I'm thinking about donating your things to someone who could truly use them. Our church goes to Camden once a month and I know there are always people there who would be able to use them. Even if daddy and I were to have another baby, I don't know if I could watch that child wear your clothing and use your things. We have clothes you never even got to wear and I would like to know someone got use from them and got to see their baby smile and giggle like you did. There are a few that are sentimental that we will of course keep or have added to your memory quilt but there is no sense in it going to waste.
I've began planning your memorial garden. We got in a beautiful stone that has your name and dates on it. Daddy's friend Ryan ordered a tree already. I have gotten a hold of the same nursery that helped with your big brother Joshua's wish and have plans to get rose bushes from them. It is going to be beautiful and a place we can go to when we miss you to feel closer to you.
Today I finally finished your photo albums. I took all the pictures from your photo boards along with the stickers everyone sent and put them into two books. Each day I try to work on something else to try and move on with life. There are just some things I don't know what to do with them. Your baby book sits only partially filled out. It was supose to be for you to look at when you were older. Ever single time I see it a huge wave of saddness comes over me knowing that you don't even know what was written in it and that nothing else will ever be filled out. What am I suppose to do with it? I had so many plans for you and dreams that will never be fulfilled.
Somehow I know that I will get through all of this. I know you are with me in spirit but it is not the same as you being here with me. So many songs have helped me to cope and move through each day. You always loved music. I bought you a Precious Moment's CD bundle the other day in the store. In my head I knew you would never get to listen to it but I still had to buy it. It was not expensive but it was just something I felt the need to have disite the fact it still sits in it's wrapper on my bed next to me.
I've come to find friends I never knew I had and struggle to deal with disappointment I have found in others who I thought would be there if something like this happened. Every day God get's me through the day. Some days are ok and some are just really bad. Today has been a middle of the road sort of day but I always find Friday's to be tough days for me. The events of the day you left just haunt me. In time I know they will fade to a vague memory but right now it is as if I relive every single moment without a loss of recolection of every second. The days following are pretty much a blur but that day and the day we went to the funeral home are so vivid.
I rewatched your service yesterday. There were several moemnts that really hit me. Watching communion took my breath away. The very thought of what communion was an how awsome of a thing it was to see all those there for you just touche my heart in a way I can't explain. Your Uncle Glenn was truly filled by the holy spirit as he sang and you could hear the Lord's presence in the music he lifed up. It was just amazing! The readings we picked were very special and talked about going and making a place for us in heaven. I know you are all doing that right now. It seems like an eternity here on Earth but I now it will be the blink of an eye for you until we are all together agian.
I miss you my little monkey. I hope that heaven is as beautiful and wonderful as I immagine it to be. If you can't be in my arms then I am glad you are there. I can't wait for the day that I join you...I can only begin to immagine how awsome that day will be. God has plans for me still so we will both have to wait for the time he calls me home and my job here is done. For now I am left to find a new "normal" and a way to move on without you in my life. It still amazes me how such a little boy could touch so many hearts but especially take hold of mine the way you did. Say hi to Oma and Opa for me. If you have to go on any trips with them, know it will take longer then planned cause they always get lost! I'm sure you are having a blast with your cousin Gavin who I never got to meet. Please give him a hug and a kiss from his aunt who loves him dearly.
Until we are all together again, I hold you in my heart my sweet boy.
Mommy
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