Having Moments

Each of us are having our moments each day. The past two days have been rather difficult for me. I think it has just been bugging me that we all prepare for life but not death. We have been met with many people who just don't "get it" You know they mean well but lord knows in the midst of all of the pain and grief you just sometimes don't have the patience to deal with that. I think that is the very reason that loosing a child makes you feel very alienated from the world and as if everyone elses lives are going on while yours stands still.

We went to church today and it is one of the places that I feel comfortable for some reason. I don't think I am met with looks of pitty and people there understand without having to be told or pacified. We can just "be" and it is ok to just be that. It also helps that part of our little man is laid to rest in their memorial garden and I just somehow feel closer to him when I am there. Many times I felt the sun beaming in the window during the service and could just feel his presence there with me letting me know it was ok.

It is funny how people either ask you how you are doing or don't ask because they just don't knwo what to say or do. The dynamics of grief and death have truly facinated me over the past few weeks as we watch people try to come to terms with it and handle something like this. When you are asked how you are doing, many times you just want to say "alive" and that is good for now. You know if you say that,that the person would feel bad or just not know what to say so a good portion of the time you say ok or as good as can be expected. I have yet to decide what is better someone asking or someone not...it is such an odd thing to really have to deal with.

Today I ordered the pendants for Hugh and I to put some of the baby's ashes into. In some way it will be as if I can always have a piece of him with me. It sounds kind of odd but both of us find some solice in that. I also ordered a stepping stone for the memorial garden we want to put in our back yard. It has a beatuiful saying on it and will have his name and dates on it.

We are looking forward to finally having a purpose for that one spot in the yard that was not finished with Joshua's project. It was a spot our trampoline was suppose to be in but it wound up being broken and we could not repair it. I also emailed the nursery that helped with Josh's project to inquire about yellow roses to plant in it and some other plants. For whatever reason, yellow roses remind me of my angel. I even bought some at the store for myself the other day and took one to lay at the place he was laid to rest at our church today.

It amazes me also how we have found and lost friends throughout this whole process. People we expected to be there for us just weren't and others who we never anticipated filled the void. I had a friend I grew up with send me a beautiful momento box that had monkeys on it with a place for a picture in it. We played softball together and her mom even showed up at the service. We have not spoken in years. Another friend I went to high school and his wife were at the service. Hugh and I both knew the two of them. Hugh went to school with the wife and I went to school with the husband. It was so odd but there is too much conincidence in all of it for us to not keep in touch and fordge this relationship. I also had friends I grew up with from a very young age, who lost their mother recently, show up, and we have not spoken in years.

I know that George had a purpose here and have been told by many that he touched their lives in some way. My friend quit his second job just to spend time with his family. Many other things have come to fruition since his passing that we are so greatful for and know that God has had his hands in this from the very beginning dispite our knowledge. I can't say that I am not upset about it all and that it took him dying to make these changes in peoples lives but I am also greatful that it did and his death was not in vain. There are moments when I am so mad about it all and that I just want him back with us but I know I cannot have that. I hate to always be the "one who understands" and always has these things happen to me. In the end, I know I am a stronger person and that if this happened to someone else they would not be able to handle it. I always hate when people say God only gives you what you can handle...sometimes I want to knwo what in the world he is thinking!!!

I've been coping a lot through music and by just being home with my family. The boys are their own sort of therapy. Hugh and I have always had a strong relationship(dispite a few ups and downs like everyone) but we have found ourselves to become even closer. I never thought that I could love him any more but somehow find that it is possible. He is such a wonderful person and I know we are blessed to have one another. I know that our lives have been changed forever and we are now part of a club we never wanted to be a member of. Each of us is handling this in our own way but dispite that we are becoming closer in so many ways.

The one fact that probably hurts the most is that we will always feel this terrible loss for the rest of our lives. No matter how many lives are changed due to this and all the good that has come of it, we will forever have part of us missing. The very thought of that is so overwhelming and saddens me greatly. There is no waking from the nightmare, there is just coping and living dispite the fact that you will always have this hole in your heart or yearning for something you will not have again in your lifetime. We have become one of the statistics as Hugh said today. Every day parents are loosing children, it is just now we are part of that group and can never go back. We will continue to do our best to "live" and serve our purpose here until we are called home ourselves. We no longer fear dying for we know when our day comes, we will be whole again. The very thought of that is just so awsome that all fears are laid to rest...it took our 4 month old to teach us both that lesson.