Visits

I have been very emotional these past few days and can't really say why. Joshua just turned 5 yesterday and so many emotions came with it. I also don't know if it is because in a few days George will have been gone for 6 months...a half of a year. The very thought of that and the pain it brings is just something I cannot begin to explain to anyone since I just don't understand it myself. I'm sure a part of it is the hormones from being pregnant but not all of it is that and I'd have to say that it is only a small portion of it.

My brother and his girlfriend had been outside and looked up in the sky to see clouds shaped like angel wings. Both of them immediately thought of George and were profoundly touched by the moment. My sister ran into a nurse I knew from one of my old docs offices yesterday and who had not known about George, she told her and had her moment of tears. Last night Michael's blankie was being washed at bed time so I gave him George's old blanket. A few minutes later he walked out and so did Josh who sat with me and we all shared George's blanket and watched the movie Up...very fitting movie that the boys have really watched a lot since George left(It deals with the concept of death and grief) There was just a huge feeling of content as we sat there under that blankie.

Last night I had a very strange dream. George was alive and fine. I knew he had died but God had given him back to me. It was kind of like the story of him bringing Lazarus back to life. In my dream I just held him and hugged him and played with him knowing what a huge gift that was. I sat there thinking of how I was going to tell everyone of my miracle and how God had blessed me so greatly. Even in my dream I knew God had such great powers and although I didn't see it possible I knew nothing was impossible through him.

I woke up to the sad reality that has now become my life. My son was yet again gone and I relived the loss of him all over again knowing it was only a dream. I have learned to cherish those dreams. They are the only way that I can be with my little boy while I am still here on Earth. I miss him so much. I got an email from a friend who said that her friend lost her child 30 years ago and still feels very much the same way still today.

The past few days have just been a nightmare for me as random moments of that morning's events have haunted me and my thoughts. I cannot tell you what I would give to not have those horrible memories and just be able to remember my son as the happy little boy he was. I know this is all totally normal but that doesn't take away the terrible moments as the come back. When you loose a child in this manner or in a tragic way while you were with them, I think it is just so much harder because it came with no warning and was so surrounded by tragic and horrible moments that will forever remained etched in your mind. Sometimes the memories of their death happen to be stronger then the ones of their birth and life.

Today is Hugh's first meeting with his counselor. I'm very excited for him and hope that this helps him on many levels. This past year has just been one horrible nightmare after another for him. Both of us wish we could get out of this funk but know it is well out of our control. God wants us here for some reason and although we don't know why it has to be in this manner we know he sees the bigger picture. We also know there is nothing in life that can happen that God will not see us through no matter how bad it truly is.