I have felt as if my heart has just been full of pain. Something changed today when I realized it was all the love that is flowing over in my heart that I cannot give directly to my little monkey. If I had not loved him the way that I do than it would not hurt like this. There is no way I would not have given him any less love just to not feel so horrible. He knew unconditional love like no other and for that I am so grateful. I wish I had been there to walk him to heaven but God just did not have that planned and probably spared us something even greater.
There has just been this horrible funk that I have been in and for the life of me I could not really understand why. It came to me today what it really is all about. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time that I was with her son and she had him one month before George. I see his pictures and I am happy for her but so sad when I see what my son would be doing if he was still alive. Today this little guy celebrated his second birthday and I realized that all I have been feeling is because I know George's birthday is coming up.
My son should be blowing out two candles on his cake but he never even got a chance to try it once. Last year we were so busy with all the fundraising stuff it didn't hit me until we were singing Happy Birthday to him without him there. Singing just tore my heart apart in a way I was just so unprepared for and I almost lost it in front of all the people there. This year, we have nothing big planned and the sadness leading up to it is just so great.
To add to it, my niece will celebrate her 1st birthday and it will be the same weekend we would be doing George's if he was here. I love this little girl with all my heart, as I know how precious she is and in some ways she makes me feel close to George and her big brother Gavin who I love with all my heart too. Watching her grow up this past year gave me a glimpse into what would have been had George lived and it was full of such bitter sweet moments. The hardest of these is yet to come and that is the birthday I never got to plan for him. It is going to be one of those bitter sweet moments as I am happy for her and sad for my son.
George's birth has just been running through my mind a lot lately. He is the only child of ours that we actually have a video tape of his birth and a picture in the OR of Hugh and I with him. I knew he was going to make his mark on the world just because of the dates he was born 09/09/09. I would always joke how being 4 boys in, he just wanted to make sure that we never forgot his birthday! That very thought now just brings such sadness, I had so many hopes and dreams for him that he never got to do. Birthdays for my kids have always been special to me and I always wanted to make sure that they were special for the kids, especially after the boys were diagnosed with Mito and I never know if this will be their last birthday that they will celebrate. It just saddens me that George didn't get to even celebrate one.
I have also had quite a few panic attacks lately. Thinking of George always comes with the nightmares of the day he died. For the rest of my life his name and thoughts of him will always be associated with the horrors we lived that day. These thoughts are so hard to not have. It doesn't even have to be a panic attack regarding him but it could be me worrying about something bad happening to the kids or even Hugh. A panic sounding voice or even laughter that can be taken as the sound of crying will just trigger something in brain that starts down that road and I have got to make sure whoever I am worrying about is ok by checking on them. Last night for some reason I kept thinking I was hearing this beeping noise. I tried to talk myself down out of the attack but had to go and check on Gabrielle just to make sure that it wasn't her monitor going off. In reality there was not even a noise anywhere in the house and I have no idea what I was hearing but it woke me at 2am.
Simple things like parenting are difficult to do right now also. It is such a feeling of pure exhaustion coping with all the emotions that I have rolling around in my head and doing the day to day things. Loosing the house of course adds quite a bit of stress and its own set of emotions to my plate. I am sure that all of this is hard for the kids too and we have seen them with their own set of melt downs and all sorts of behavior that is not usual for them. There is all sorts of adjustments going on as we all try and figure out how to live with my parents again along with all the other obstacles that we face on a daily basis. So many days it seems as if one more thing will make the glass overflow and I tend to just need to be alone in order to be able to survive. Keeping up the strong front all the time and having to deal with all the other stuff just creates so many feelings and puts this pain in my heart that I cannot explain. Right now God is carrying me every single step of the way as I try to just survive the life we have been handed. Please keep praying for us as we walk this path and difficult time right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment