My heart is just breaking today. The events of last week just keep replaying in my mind over and over again. I miss my beautiful baby so bad that my whole body just aches for him. I want to see that smile that was invoked just by him catching my gaze. He lit up anytime he would see his mommy. I would pick him up and he would just snuggle up under my neck with a finger or his thumb in his mouth and it was is the rest of the world didn't exist for either of us.
There is nothing that anyone could do or say to make this better. I can't bring him back and I so desperately want my little boy. For whatever reason, things just keep happening to make this all so much worse. His obituary was printed incorrectly where his date of birth was and I know it is stupid to rerun it for the extreme $395 cost but God it hurts to even look at it. It was no ones fault but I feel responsible since I didn't do it myself and in some way I feel as if I let him down. It means nothing to anyone else but me and I know it is something stupid to be upset about by I just don't know howelse to be right now.
As strong as I am, there is just no way for me to be able to cope and deal with all the stuff that goes with someone dying. I know people want my input and I have to do it but God knows every part of me just doesn't want to. I want to curl up in my bed and forget that the rest of the world just doesn't exist. People keep telling me to be strong but I just want to yell and say I am strong, that is why I am here and I am doing this all. It takes everything in me to just get out of bed right now.
I felt bad because I know my mom is trying to help but feels so helpless herself as she sees me suffer. Watching your child suffer is just so hard, I do that on a regular basis. I felt terrible when she called to tell me they were not going to rerun the baby's obituary since it was a mistake on our part and we would have to pay for it all over again. It was just yet another feeling of the total inability to control the things that happen. My heart didn't care I wanted it fixed by the logic in me just kept saying it was such a wast of money and would not bring my baby back, which is what I truly want. It has been as if one thing after another has just seemed to unravel and it is as if I have to relive that horrible day every single day and the helplessness that I felt.
We are suppose to be getting this horrible snow storm on the very day his service was suppose to be. As much as every single part of my being needs to have this whole thing completed, I knew logically we needed to postpone it. Everyone kept saying that it gives us more time to get it together. I get that but Lord why do I have to suffer even longer? I'm glad we had the option to do either but the reality was we knew it was just better to move the date. His little body has already been cremated and he has already gone; I saw that they day we went to the funeral home.
It was very odd to see him and all I kept saying he didn't look like himself. He looked like a baby doll. I know he was there with us though. Thinking back I remembered how hard it was for me to just leave him laying on the table there, knowing what the future held for his little body and that I could not walk that path with him. I felt as if I would have stayed there forever and yet I couldn't. It was as if I kept looking at him and saying to myself that this was all a dream because he didn't looke like my baby yet I knew it was my angel, and his body was just a vesel for his spirit that had left after we left him at the hospital. As I put him in my arms for the last time to bless him and kiss him, I turned his face to the side to kiss his chubby little cheeks, and for a brief moment I saw my son there. It was as if he was giving me that last moment with him to let me know that it was ok and that he would be alright. As quickly as I saw his spirit, it left again. My angel had earned his wings.
We have gotten cards, calls, people stopping by, and all sorts of other things. I've been so greatful for them and so thankfu for it all, but as odd as this sounds, I know everyone else will leave and I will be left to figure out how to continue living this hell here on earth without my son. Logically I know it will get easeir to deal with but the pain will never get easier. Everyone tells you to call them if you need anything but will Hugh or I really do that, no, we won't pick the phone up and say that I am having a crappy day. It is as if in some way we have found our solice in prayer and God because he "gets it" He knows when we are sad and how we truly feel without us having to say a single word. It is he who is embracing us without any spoken words and carrying us through each of these moments.
As things have replayed in my mind I have found so many similarities in Joshua and George. Both of them had their issues trying to come out of sleep. Josh had a seizure and George died. I do not know if there is something more to that but I read an article two days ago about how they think part of the issue with SIDS is lack of production of seratonin which helps you to wake. WE took the boys to the neuro office at St Chris yesterday and talked to the docs there. They of course were of no help and I just about wanted to punch the neuro himself but all that said. The reason we went was to continue the research they are doing there in order to try to diagnose Mito via mouth swab. It is so important that parents know and don't have to go through the hell of trying to get a biopsy done. The researcher was absolutely wonderful and I talked to him and told him how importnat I thought his research was. He said he was going to be talking to another doctor to look into setting up a fund in George's name for those who want to help the funding of this research. Even if it never happens, I am just greatful enough that he thought enough of us to even think of that.
I did finally find a necklace that I want to put some of the baby's ashes in so I can wear them around my neck and feel as if he is close to my heart all the time. Yes I know he is in it but I need that symbolic representation right now. One of the biggest hurdles is that I don't get paid for the time I am off from work and we are already behind on payments for things since I had taken time off to spend it with George(I do not regret a moment of it) so I just don't really know what to do or where to begin. God I wish I was a millionaire to be able to do what I want to do but I knowI have got to be practicle. In the very end, I know it will all make sense and work out in the end. I just feel for so may people who have to go through all of this and are in worse situations then we are.
I pray for strenght as we have to endure another week of pure torture. It is in me and I rely on it every day but God knows I need it today for the immages of a week ago and all the days following keep flooding my memories and just make every part of me hurt. Thank you all for the prayers and support, we truly appreciate it.
No comments:
Post a Comment