Tonight Hugh and I sat here talking about how George's death has really put in perspective our lives and those who we can count on and those we can't. It was just amazing how things and the way we perceive them have changed. In some ways it is very hard because the realizations causes a deep pain from sheer disappointment and realization of the way we thought things were vs the way they really are. I think in some ways it has lent itself to our anti social ways that have come about since his death. We have come to know those who are completely uncomfortable, those just doing things out of obligation, and then the very few who do understand and truly make an effort to take time out of their lives to try and help us through our difficult situation by a simple gesture or a listening ear.
For so many, after his funeral, it was over for them. Many didn't know him but were rather saddened that he was such a young beautiful little boy and the tragic events that transpired. Several of our "close" family members never even met him in person. After the funeral was over their worlds went back to norm and ours just stood still and still does to this day. There have been people who have used our son's death as an excuse to benefit them in some manner and never has there been anything more hurtful than to find out accidentally that this little boy , our beautiful son, was someone else's scape goat way out of a situation.
I sat here thinking about his service and the faces that stared back at me as I said his eulogy. Thinking back I can tell who was there because they truly cared vs some sort of obligation because of family or old friendship. Sadly Hugh and I realized that the number is very few. It isn't that they were not sad or touched by his passing but we both realized that not everyone is like we are. At least a quarter of the people there were co-workers of my sisters. Hugh and I have always been the ones in our lives that didn't exactly fit in but had a heart of gold and would do anything to gain acceptance and love. Not everyone will drop things in their lives for others the way we do or would do and that is very hard emotionally to handle in a situation like this.
A lot of this has come about because we have been talking about God parents for Gabrielle. We have truly been racking our brains for people that we trust with our child's faith because we take it so seriously and personally. We always wanted them all to have different God parents and not ones from a couple. Religious denomination has no bearing but rather a strong faith of some sort that our child can go to when they question faith or have questions/need guidance. After much thought, we are seriously considering forgoing the thing all together and just having her baptized without God parents. I hate to have superficial people who will not be part of their lives as God parents, it is to important of a roll, it is our child's basis for eternal life. We know we can give them the foundation but should anything ever happen to us we really want people in their lives who will guide them in their faith.
I always find it interesting how when tragedy strikes you learn these life lessons sometimes the hard way. That isn't to say that there are not people who do step up. We both have had at least one person in our lives that has truly made some effort to find a way to be there and help us in some way even after the funeral. We are fording new relationships with these people but it is hard to let go of the old relationships that we thought we had. I keep telling myself that it is only when we have expectations in a relationship does that relationship fail. Sometimes people are just not capable of what we thought or even what we need so we must seek it out elsewhere. No one really understands how hard that truly is to do because that itself is another sort of loss and grief piled on top of the heartache and grief over the loss of our son.
Somehow our society has made hard subjects the job of a therapist rather than family and friends. In many ways I think that is why so many are not equip to handle these situations when they do happen and why those who it happens to feel so very alone/judged. Churches are now taking a back seat to therapy/counsel and don't really have the same sort of minister relationships like they used to. I am so glad that Hugh and I have one another and our faith and that we are the understanding people that we are. We try not to let it change us but there is no way we cannot let that happen.
In some ways it is sad that we have decided to no longer make the efforts in relationships that we used to but we just no longer have the energy to do what we used to do. Those relationships that survive are the true ones and all the others were just not meant to be and had their purpose in our lives but no longer do. I think we have learned what is important and that is our family, Hugh and I and the boys. We used to take time from that and drop things at a moments notice for others who we have come to find out wouldn't do the same for us. There is nothing wrong with that but we just have learned to refocus our efforts and energy.
The loss of a child is very unique in so many ways. Parents who have lost a child all say that they feel more support and comfort from other parents who have lost children. I have found that to be true but also to not necessarily be true since my personal experience was not a positive one with the parents I know who have lost children. I've had a mixed batch but have found that even if they are not sportive, they do know your pain and have had the same feelings. Somehow it is like you got cooties, everyone thinks you are contagious, and you have to go to the doctor in order to get it fixed but in fact there is truly no cure! We have become the kids in the school yard!
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