Every single day I miss my little monkey and it saddens me to know our lives will just never be the same ever again. There will forever be this sadness in our hearts. Last night I was sitting next to Hugh and turned my head to realize he was looking at pictures of George and had tears streaming down his face. Every time I think I have it hard, I know he has it so much more difficult with very few friends and family that call or support him the way he needs to be. I tend to actually find our situation of sheer loneliness more the norm rather than the other way around. It definitely explained why many people divorce after the death of a child. Thankfully for Hugh and I it has been the opposite and has brought us closer than ever before. I sat there with him, both of our hearts breaking for the son we lost and the life we now lead.
Yesterday he finished the flooring in the baby's room. It has been so very difficult for both Hugh and I to work on Gabrielle's room. There are just so many unexplainable mixed emotions. Part of you is excited and thankful for the wonderful gift of life and yet sad for the loss of life too. As he worked on the floor, I worked on refinishing the furniture. We had wanted to just get new baby furniture since it is so hard emotionally to use George's things. With the two of us both not working and my unemployment in an appeal stage, there just is no way we can afford it. That has led me to trying to find a creative way to try and make it possible for us to use his things.
We have bought a new crib since there is absolutely no way in the world we could ever use his crib again. We are still saving money for a mattress that is not toxic since they are quite expensive but after what I now know there is no way I will put this baby on another mattress that isn't. There was a dresser that we took from the boys rooms to use but it is too tall to use as a changing table too, so we are left finding ourselves using the table. That is hard for Hugh since he has a lot of memories with the little monkey on there. For me it is the rocking chair. I used to rock him and sing to him in the chair and more than with the other kids. The other boys were just not into cuddling with mommy much when they were little like George was...they were all daddy boys. I think so often of the times I would sit in that chair with him trying to get him to sleep and thinking he was but only to find as I looked at him, he was just laying there wide awake and calm and peaceful resting on my chest as I sang to him.
The hard part is that although they were George's, they were also Michael's. He of course doesn't know that but it is so hard to try and find some sort of middle ground. Every single part of me was aching as I sat their painting and redoing my boys furniture. I took a break and went with the boys to my mom's since they were making it more difficult for Hugh to finish the floor. She asked me about it and if it was hard and I said yes and couldn't talk or think about it without tears welling up in my eyes. To think that something so simple can be so hard amazes me.
On another note, we have been working on the Comfort Zone fundraiser. Tickets are finally put together for the brunch. If you are interested please email us or check out the web page for more details www.komfortforkidzcampaign.blogspot.com We are in need of raffle items and covered dishes along with forms of entertainment that are kid based. There are some wonderful people, including the officer who responded to our house, trying to help us make this such a wonderful family event. We really want it to be a great event and a way to celebrate his first birthday here on Earth without him but honoring his memory and keeping his spirit alive.
We did also have a good moment last night. For the first time Hugh was able to feel the baby move. It was quite exciting for both of us since in so many ways it has not seemed real. You can't miss the baby belly but it has been just a very surreal experience to this point. It has been very different for many reasons. We know George is in heaven watching down over all of us. On so many occasions we have felt his presence or seen symbols of his presence in our lives and dreams. I pray to God every day for our strength and his guidance in our lives. Some days are better than others and some moments are the same way. This is the longest most exhausting path in life to be walking.
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