Tired

I am really at the point where I am just tired. When I say that I mean in every single sense of the word, physically and emotionally. Today for some reason I found myself just trudging through the day with nothing but my little monkey on my mind. There really is no particular reason other than the fact that I miss him more than words could ever express. Several times as I drove to and from doctors offices I found myself cry and recounting the day he left and the night before when I was playing with him.

At the ATU I sat there waiting for my appt to start and they were quite behind. I always bring a book and I have been reading one written by a father who lost his son. It is always interesting to read a man's perspective and I thought that it would help me to maybe understand Hugh and his grief a little better. In the book, he recounted a dream he had about his son weeks after he passed away. He explained how very vivid this dream was and how he knew it was God given. I knew exactly what he was talking about since I had one exactly the same a while after George passed away.

To this day it is one of the most profound dreams I have ever had. It was God giving me a my last good bye with my son. I held him and yet I knew he was gone. He cuddled up with me for my last moment with him and had his say good bye. God was with us and was letting me know he was ok and that he was at peace in heaven. It was different than any other dream in my life...I woke up knowing it was God's way of letting me say goodbye and to know he really was ok and in heaven(I've always had a hang up since he was not baptized). People can think I am crazy but anyone who has ever had a dream like that can tell you how much of an impact that makes on your life and how it stays with you forever.

That dream kept running through my mind today over and over again. What I would not give for that moment back to hold him again. In that moment nothing else mattered and although I knew he was gone he was mine for those moments. I knew I would have to let him go and that I had a job to still do no matter how hard it was for me to get up every morning and live my life without him in it. The moment I woke up it was so very bitter sweet. I was so thankful for that dream and yet the reality of my new life was so painful, I just wanted to go back to sleep.

On days like this where I feel like I can barely breath and getting from moment to moment is just a challenge, I have come to rely on God with everything in me. I cannot do this alone, my heart is breaking and I am to tired to keep going. These are the days you wish you could just have a vacation from life. Never did I understand why people would say that an older person was just to tired to live. Now having been through what I have and knowing how exhausting living a difficult life really is, I understand the true meaning of peace given by death. It has given me a new found respect for those who just want to be "done" something I could never fathom before this. I seriously thought they were out of their mind, why would you want to die? Now I think it is rather the peace of no longer being tired and knowing the promise that God gives us for eternal life of joy with those we love...no more pain or sorrow...what an awesome gift!

I've been reading a lot of passages in the bible and each of them speaks to me differently now then they ever did before. The books I have been reading are very moving and definitely give new meaning to His word. Ever day I am looking for answers and comfort in ways I never thought I would. There are certain songs that speak to my heart and particular passages. For the rest of the night I am going to just try and relax a little and although I know tears will grace my cheeks most of the night I know that I am not alone and that I will make it through this one step at a time.