Little boy, I love you so much. It is so hard to live a life full of this pain that is in my heart. I wish that this pain would go away but I know it won't for as long as I live. You were so very special to me and we had such a connection that I cannot explain to anyone else. I know that you knew it because I felt it whenever I was around you. In my mind I see you jumping in your jumper with that huge smile you had for me and can feel you cuddled under my chin where you LOVED to rest.
There is nothing in this world I would not give to have you back! It is not fair that anyone should have to feel this hurt or be haunted by those horrible memories. I hate that for the rest of my life that I will never be able to think of you without the bad stuff. Just thinking of your smile makes me see your lifeless body. No parent should ever have to endure a life like this and have a love so deep that your heart is torn to shreds and forever remains that way.
Now when I think of your birth, I think of your death. I try to remember your first cry, laugh, and all the little sounds you made and yet am haunted by the silence I awoke to with daddy screaming as he found you. Never will I forget the first time I held you and never will I forget the very last. I think about filling out the papers for your birth certificate and then signing the papers to have you cremated...something no parent should ever have to do. I remember finding out I was pregnant with you and how happy I was and then feeling helpless as they asked me at the hospital who I wanted them to call when you died.
How is it that every joy now is followed with sorrow? God help me through every day because I cannot do it on my own! I wish that this pain would go away but I know the only time that will ever happen is the day that return to heaven myself. If there was only a way to remember just the good things, I could even live with that but I will instead be tortured and haunted by that horrible day, every day for the rest of my life. I want to remember you without feeling pain and anxiety.
George's Guardian's of Grace Projects
Stocking project is now in full force collecting donations. We have a list of the items we can use. You can also choose to sponsor a stocking in memory or honor of someone else. We will include a paragraph or two in the cards we place in the stockings to let the recipient know about the person that means so much to you. Our paypal account is posted on this page and ready to take donations. Email us for a list of items needed or with any questions or information you would like included on a sponsored stocking/donation.
Video Tributes/Celebration of Life Footage
Here is a link to a video tribute that was made by Richard's dad in memory of George. Get out your tissues!
We Finally have footage from the service up and running:
It is in 4 sections running about 17 mins each. If you were unable to attend, you can now see what you missed. We were so blessed to have everyone there with us in person and in spirit!