Wish The Pain Would Go Away

Little boy, I love you so much. It is so hard to live a life full of this pain that is in my heart. I wish that this pain would go away but I know it won't for as long as I live. You were so very special to me and we had such a connection that I cannot explain to anyone else. I know that you knew it because I felt it whenever I was around you. In my mind I see you jumping in your jumper with that huge smile you had for me and can feel you cuddled under my chin where you LOVED to rest.

There is nothing in this world I would not give to have you back! It is not fair that anyone should have to feel this hurt or be haunted by those horrible memories. I hate that for the rest of my life that I will never be able to think of you without the bad stuff. Just thinking of your smile makes me see your lifeless body. No parent should ever have to endure a life like this and have a love so deep that your heart is torn to shreds and forever remains that way.

Now when I think of your birth, I think of your death. I try to remember your first cry, laugh, and all the little sounds you made and yet am haunted by the silence I awoke to with daddy screaming as he found you. Never will I forget the first time I held you and never will I forget the very last. I think about filling out the papers for your birth certificate and then signing the papers to have you cremated...something no parent should ever have to do. I remember finding out I was pregnant with you and how happy I was and then feeling helpless as they asked me at the hospital who I wanted them to call when you died.

How is it that every joy now is followed with sorrow? God help me through every day because I cannot do it on my own! I wish that this pain would go away but I know the only time that will ever happen is the day that return to heaven myself. If there was only a way to remember just the good things, I could even live with that but I will instead be tortured and haunted by that horrible day, every day for the rest of my life. I want to remember you without feeling pain and anxiety.