For whatever reason, this has been one of the toughest weeks for our family. Emotionally we found out that there are people who somehow let us down and are not exactly those who we thought they were. In the end when push came to shove their colors were shown and I can't say how hard and disappointing it was to watch it happen. I am no stranger to this, especially after George died, I really found out who was there for us and who wasn't. With all that I have, I try not to judge, but there is that human part of me that does and is hurt by those who we feel have let us or others down. It is so hard to not put expectations on others and to hold them to some standard but I guess in the end that is why God is the judge and not us, and I am so thankful for that.
For the past two years I have been planing with my friend from Germany her trip back here to the US to visit our family. After George died, I really needed this more than anyone will ever know. She really understands me and I can be honest with her about my feelings. We are kindred spirits on so many levels. Over the past few months she has started a relationship here in the US with a family member of mine. This whole trip here was initially going to be to visit here and spend time with us but that all changed once this relationship took place. She has now flown in down south and is an 8 hr drive away.
Initially we thought it would be no trouble to take the trip but after much realization we felt it would just be way to much financially since we just came back from FL two weeks ago and very difficult to pack up over 8 people to drive to see 3, not to mention the countless family members here who cannot make the trip. Now there is no way we can go for sure with a phone call from Michael's teacher yesterday saying she was very concerned about his health. I cannot chance his life and well being no matter how much I really want to see my best friend.
My mom had spoken with this family member about possibly coming up here to see everyone for a few days since this was the initial plan anyway. In no uncertain terms we were basically told that this was their time and that they were not going to waste time driving up here. It was a shock to us all and in a way very hurtful without him realizing this. I feel as if I am having yet another person ripped from my life and I have a feeling that should things work out between them things will never really be the same ever again between us. Throughout the years I have always had some hard feelings with this particular family member for just the fact that we are just very different and view life very differently along with what is important. I've really tried to be open and understanding and I love them for who they are but in the end I don't really feel that we will ever totally understand one another or view things even remotely similar.
Last night I sat here with Hugh and I was trying to figure out why this bothered me so much and then it hit me. First of all it was the possessive unyielding way we were politely told no, this is all my time and I am going to take every moment and if you want to be part of it you will have to be the one to give but only after I say we have had enough time together first. That really bothered me because I felt as if he was cutting us out of her life now that he was part of it and felt more of a right even though I have known her and been closer to her for much longer.
The second thing was because this trip was being planned for over two years, and part of me felt as if I was holding on and keeping it together knowing that eventually I would have the time to sit and talk to her face to face about all that has happened, especially where George's death was concerned. She is a scientist by trade and I had wanted to share his autopsy report with her and
he things that I just cannot share with anyone else. Finding out this news just made my heart sink and feel even more weighted and heavy than ever before. Some of me felt there was an end of the tunnel ahead where my grief was but I have come to find out it is just a turn in the road. This family member has also made it clear to me that George's death really means nothing to him and that hurts dispite being told, "not to hurt your feelings" Anytime someone says that your son's death doesn't really impact me or have relevance to my life, it is like a kick to the stomach and it knocks the wind out of you while you collect all you have inside to not cry or loose it.
At first I thought I was the only one feeling this way and that I was just being selfish myself but I have come to find I am not alone in these feelings. No matter the case, I find it so hard to really let go of the pain, anger, and frustration I have inside to just move forward. All of this recently transpired and I am sure I am feeling this way because it is all new and I now have to relearn how to embrace the change in this relationship however it is not going to be as easy as said. With these new boundaries set, I have to find out where they lie and start all over again. I don't hold anyone responsible but there still is pain and hurt that I have to work through and a general loss of respect that I have to try and change. I am praying really hard about it and asking God to help me through these feelings of abandonment and sadness as I move forward knowing we will not get to see one another and that things in general are just never going to really be the same ever again.
Earlier in the week there was another incident that had me feeling a similar way. It involved my brother and his current girlfriend. They have been together for a few years now but have always had a rocky road with a few smooth places in between. Something happened that a good portion of the rest of our family was very upset by. In the end they did not split up however there was a great loss of respect for both of them that took place in a lot of people's minds, mine included. I have been in my brother's shoes when I was married to my ex-husband and it is not a fun place to be. Even though I have walked the road and I try to keep an open nonjudgmental mind, it is not always easy. I also find that people will forgive but they don't forget and somehow no matter how you try to do this, it doesn't come easy.
It is also hard to sit by and watch someone self-destruct or become a stranger in your eyes when you really thought you knew them. Loving them unconditionally becomes even harder and even for them I am sure it is different. So often when I feel these sorts of things I think I am on my own only to find out I was not the only person feeling the same way. I'm an honest person about my feelings and letting people know it is personal feelings, not necessarily the truth because I know I am not in their shoes. We have been judged unjustly by others and I know how hard it is to feel like an outcast among those you love.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I know for sure everyone has moments like these, we are only human. It doesn't make us non Christians but rather human. I sit here and think of my own feelings and try to think how they must relate to God and his. These people I have been hurt by I will still love no matter the case but that doesn't mean I am not going to have other feelings mixed in there. God must have been pretty upset when Adam chose not to listen or really felt bad after he flooded the Earth during Noah's era. We are made in his image so I am sure that he understands, especially since he sent Jesus here to be our savior. For crying out loud, I know I need one and so does everyone else on this Earth. We become swayed by our own feelings and upsets and make decisions based on them and find ourselves judging without even realizing it. No matter what we do, God finds forgiveness which is not easy to come by. It is easy to say you would give your life for someone else but would you give your child's no questions asked? I know I would say no!
All of the things we feel and do in our lives God understands and takes part in, the good and bad. Ultimately it is up to us to choose the path he has laid before us. When things get tough like they are right now for me, I try to pray for guidance and an understanding heart. It doesn't always work but I can say that God works on my heart and helps me through these types of things and for that I am so thankful. I can't imagine this world without him and having to walk this road alone as humans, it would be even more messed up than it already is. Thank you Lord for helping me through the tough stuff and that you are the judge in the end, not us.
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