Lately, my heart has just been so very overwhelmed by mixed feelings. I feel my son's presence alot these days and can feel him in my heart much more prevalent than ever before. Gabrielle is getting close to the age he was when he died. I'm not sure if that is the cause of all the emotions or just the very meaning of this season and how it has changed me in a great way since George died.
May 1st Gabrielle will the the same age George was when he died. Originally I told myself I was not going to count the days but something made me do it yesterday. George was 143 days old, the same age Joshua was to the very day when he had his first seizure. For whatever reason there was some significance to all of that to me. To see her meet that milestone will bring a mix of it's own emotions...joy for the fact she passed it and sadness to know that George never got to do anything after that day that she will do. It is something that others who never had a child die would never think of as significant, I know I never did.
Last night for whatever reason was a rough night for both Hugh and I. Hugh was eating a piece of chocolate cake that our friend Sarah had bought for him when the two of us went out to lunch. I looked at him and saw him crying and asked him what was wrong. It took a little prying but he sat there in tears saying that the last thing he ate before George died was chocolate cake for his birthday. My heart just went out to him as I held him knowing the pain in his heart and wishing that I could take it for him.
Gabrielle was kind of fussy so I was up late with her and had her in my arms. As I stood in the living room holding her all I could think of was George. Just as I was trying to get myself to not feel the way I did, she tucked her little head under my chin just like he used to. Tears welled up in my eyes as I stood there thanking God for her and the time I was blessed to be George's mom. Right as I thought that and almost started to full out cry she took her little hand and grasped my necklace that has some of George's ashes in it. It just overwhelmed my heart so much, I didn't know I could feel so much all at one time. She just held tight to it and put her head under my chin and rested her head on my chest...it was as if she just knew how bad my heart just hurt and was full of joy.
She also has a small little red spot above her eyebrow. As a kid I had one next to my eye and it was much bigger. For whatever reason I keep looking at it. The other day as I sat there looking at it, I realized none of the other kids ever had one. In another fleeting thought, I felt as if it was an angel kiss from her big brother as she was sent here to us. This now has a special meaning to me and as I hold her I think of how if George had not died that she would not be here. During her battle with RSV she had several apnea episodes and I think of how we never would have known if she had not been on a monitor. I often wonder if he did not die to send her and save her life and if it was all part of God's greater plan for us all. Time will only tell and I may never really know until I return to heaven some day.
After all the emotions bouncing around in my head and the aversion to not cry, I finally succumbed to it all. I took a shower and headed to bed. As I laid down, the emotions just overcame me and I cried myself to sleep. I miss my son but have such a profound and unexplainable love for Gabrielle. It isn't that I love her any more or any less than the boys but it is just so very different this time around. I will just hold her and be so overwhelmed by my feelings and just stand there thanking God for her and the blessing she is in our lives and how she just brings something different to our lives and it has nothing to do with her being a girl.
I have posted a song here that has been touching my life in such a profound way every single time I hear it. It really personifies the true sacrifice that Christ gave to the world when he willingly went to the cross. This also makes me think of how I will be able to see my son again. I think of what Christ really went through for us and how without him this would not be possible. The season of Lent and Easter all have just a new meaning to me with my son dying. I urge you to allow God into your heart and really think about Christ and his sacrifice this Lent/Easter season. Would you give your life for man kind unconditionally? What does it all really mean to you? Do you have a hope to see those who have gone before you? What would you give for one more day? Allow your heart to know his love for you and allow your heart to overflow with the love he has to give and find a sense of peace within knowing the full meaning of his promise and love for us.
Thank you Lord for all you have given to me and my family! We are truly blessed and cannot thank you enough for your sacrifice and love that will allow us to see our loved ones again and to also life forever with you for eternity. Your love is so great and overwhelms our hearts, we cannot even imagine your love for us. Please help us to do your will and forgive us when our own agenda comes into play. We are truly blessed to be called to your folds and to know you on a personal level. Please watch over us and when things are tough, please remind us of your love and find comfort in your embrace as you carry us through those moments.
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