Well, things around here have changed quite a bit these past few days. Hugh started his two jobs yesterday. The morning was just insane with his truck not working, Richard forgetting his binder and needing it to be ran up to him, Josh and Michael missing the bus, and an ultrasound appt first thing in the morning. The rest of the day was just as chaotic with the kids bouncing off the walls and trying to settle in to not having Hugh home. It is surely going to take a lot of getting used to for all of us.
Gabrielle is really taking a lot out of me, unlike any of the boys. She is constantly moving and always in a bad spot making it hard to breath. Right now she is breech and the technician yesterday looked at me and said oh my god she is in a really bad spot all the way up to your ribs. I knew that already but it was at least nice to know I am not insane. I don't know if the vacation is adding to this exhaustion or just all the emotional stress and physical stressed coupled together. The good news is Gabrielle looks good and weighed in at around 3lbs 9oz and every organ looking/working well. We got to see her practicing her breathing, seeing your baby on the screen never gets old and brings amazement with it every time and you know there has got to be a God. We can't wait to meet her, it is only a few more weeks away.
All of that said, I have the mornings here to myself right now. Many people say that it is so nice that I have this time when it is quite...little do they realize that it isn't all it is cracked up to be. I can't tell you how hard it is to sit here even though I keep myself busy with housework. All I can think of is how my little boy should be here toddling around getting into stuff. The deafening silence is a cold reminder of his return to heaven way to early. You can try to keep yourself busy but the pain and emptiness you feel is still there. It is just so sad to think of the life we have come to know. Yes there are always positives but there are only so many times you can look on the bright side and try to make the best of the situation...no matter how you look at it, it is sad and always will be. Not only is my house empty but part of my heart is and will forever be missing and that is such a hard realization and reality to live with. I know Gabrielle will be here soon but no child could ever replace another or fill that emptiness.
I do have a lot to still do but being so tired and just emotionally and physically drained really makes it difficult. A simple phone call can be a challenge at times. The thought of the holidays around the corner is just overwhelming. Hugh told me this morning that Sears is open that morning and I told him I want him to see if he can not have to work it. There is no way I can sit through a holiday right now without him here and my baby in heaven. His other job is going to require a lot of time away from home for him too so it is going to be a rough road over the next few weeks/months. I know we will figure it all out but as things stand right now, it all seems so overwhelming.
My mind has wandered back to the very beginning of this journey. My emotions and feelings were so very different than they are now. Hearing a certain song will bring those feelings back and I can feel how very different they are now vs then. In some ways that state of shock after someone dies is such a blessing. It amazes me how very different I am now opposed to then and how life has really changed and sometimes is just unrecognizable. I will often times look at the boys and am so grateful that at least the younger two are the ages they are because their moments of sadness come and go so fast and do not linger like that of us who are older. I think often times that is why God wants us to come to him as children. There is just something special that they have going for them that is so different than what adults have. For now I will just have to keep plugging away making it through every moment of every day relying on God and my faith that there is just more that I don't understand and keep asking him to get me through this all. I can't wait until the day that my house is not empty and my heart is whole again...the day that I get to be with my little boy again...for now I will keep doing God's will until he feels my job here is done.
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