Today was one of those days...a really tough emotional day. Hugh and I were basically home by ourselves like it used to be when we lived in our house. For the first time in a long time I realized how much I miss what we had...our old life when things were different. It isn't that our life is bad because we all know how others are in a worse position but it always seemed as if it couldn't get worse but somehow we just watched our lives slowly become unrecognizable from what we knew as our "normal". I don't know if I am making any sense but we have come so far from what our dreams were for our life together.
I think of the day we got married and how we had such high hopes that the worst was behind us. We were so wrong and life just got harder. Our marriage has been tested over and over again as we got further and further from our dream of the "perfect family" and "white picket fence" dream. All we ever wanted in life were the simple things and it feels as if all we have worked for to get those dreams have been ripped away in the blink of an eye. It was hard even before George died but the day he died, our world began to crumble. I feel like we are standing in a pile of rubble and aimlessly looking around trying to figure out what to do and where do we go...how do we rebuild our lives?
The stress level was so high for both Hugh and I...it felt as if we were drifting in different directions. Hugh came home, took care of the kids until they went to bed and then would just watch TV and there was very little time for us. I was so exhausted from dealing with the kids, finances, cleaning, and all the other things that come with a family and became so burnt out that I just have been in survival mode trying to find out how to live again. The kids have just been doing whatever works and going through their own daily routines and drifting in different directions to cope with all that we have been through. They are starving for attention and structure that we no longer have since we have lost our house. We have all been trying but with so many great losses in our lives and where we are living up in the air, they are so lost and so are we.
All of this came to the surface today for both Hugh and I. Hugh was able to get his frustration out even though it was with some yelling and an outbreak. I of course yelled back and got out my own frustrations and once we both cooled down we talked about it and of course apologized. We both needed this probably for a long time. The kids were in bed, although Richard did come out to see what was going on. It has just felt like we were all doing out own things and none of us were working as a family and all structure and rules have gone out the window. We need to get our family back on track and try to rebuild all that has been shattered and destroyed. Some things we will need to leave and move on from but other things are salvageable but need to be re-purposed for this new life we have. It isn't what we dreamed of or what we planned and now we really need to hand it over to God and let him work in our lives. I don't even recognize my life or know where we are going with it all at this point and that just adds so much stress and is so scary.
George died and devastated all our lives. Each day I suffer so much pain and yet I have a strong faith and know my son will be waiting for me in heaven. Nothing makes this whole thing easier. People try to give you words of wisdom or make you feel better but it only makes you feel more on your own in this deep abyss of pain. Yet, as I cry for my son, I am reminded of the life I still have to live when I hear the laughter of my kids or feel the gentle touch of a chubby little hand wiping away my tears and hugging me. The kids are what make life worth living. We have to live again for them. Tonight I just melted down after being overwhelmed by all our financial issues, medical problems, and all we have lost...mainly the dreams for our lives which have died. In my despair, Richard hugged and comforted me while Gabby was her little innocent self looking up at me and offering kisses and wiping away my tears. For them we need to figure this out and trust in God. He of course is on his time and not ours and we need to put our faith in him and his plan for us, not our plan.
Our lives that we planned are not distinguishable but that doesn't mean that it was what God had planned and we are right on track where he wants us to be. We are passionate and always willing to help anyone in need as best we can but the reason for that is because we know what it is like to be in need. Had we not been through all we have, we would not be the people we are and although we have faults, we are down to the core hard workers and good people. We love our fellow men and do what we can and lend support to others walking the path with us because we know what it is like but we wouldn't understand all of their pain and be able to support them the way we do. Through our suffering we have grown and learned many life lessons we would not have known otherwise. I remember my sister asking why God would give her a baby she would never meet and for her to suffer such heartache and pain over a baby she loved from the moment she knew he existed. Gavin, my nephew, went to heaven before George and George helped my sister through her loss and yet I thank God all the time for Gavin because my sister knows my pain and we have a bond that not many others know. George was her blessing and Gavin was mine!
I'm ready to put it all in God's hands and allow him to make my life what he wants it. It may not be distinguishable to me but it will be to Him. Please pray for my family and I. We need prayers for God's will in our lives right now. We feel lost but also know we are only lost because we have been following our own path rather than handing it over to God completely. He has blessed us many times and we should know how to do this but after so much pain it is hard to realize he does not cause and it isn't because we did anything wrong. Life happens and it happens to us! Thank you all for your prayers and following our family as we walk this difficult path! God is our compass on this difficult journey we call life.
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