Tears

So many times I wonder when will the tears ever end? I know the answer is never...but keep praying for an end to this sort of pain. The sad part is I know I will carry this pain for the rest of my life...yes it will change but it will never go away. My heart has never been heavier then what it was today. We began to clean out George's room today. I had bagged up his things and that was hard to do but now they are offically not in our house anymore. We took those and his crib to my mom's house until my sister decides if she wants to use his things or we find them another home. It is the hardest thing to ever have to do.

In a way it is even harder then the day he died. I think sometimes the aftermath is worse then the actual event. The memories haunt you and the pain is all to real. When it is happening, you are in a state of shock so it never really sinks in or hurts like it does weeks later. All of the insanity of the events is over and you are left with your own thoughts and heavy heart trying to figure out how to move forward from such a terrible and unexpected tradgedy. Most of the day today I just prayed to God asking him to help me through this because although I knew I had to do it, I knew I could not do it alone.

It was such a big day altogether. Michael went to school for his first day. We thought he would be fine and no snags since all he could talk about for the past few weeks was going to school. This morning came and he cried saying he didn't want to go. For Hugh and I it was hard enough knowing that there was no one else coming up in the ranks to get on the school bus and our heart just ached knowing that George was gone and Michael was growing up. To hear him cry and say he didn't want to go was just torture.

I'm sure that it is kind of how God must feel when we go through trails in life. It has got to be much like a child must feel their first day of school. Many of us don't remember that day since we were all quite young. You don't know what to expect and everything you are comfortable with and use to is changed forever. God, like a parent, knows that you must move forward and take this step no matter how much you cry and want to not do it. It rips your heart out to hear them cry and see them afraid, yet you know you must get them on that bus so that they can grow and become the people they are meant to be. You can't really prepare children since they don't really get the concept but you know after they have done it they will be ok even if they cry for a while after.

I think I am now at the point where I am crying still. For the very first time it really hit me that my little boy was gone. I came across the pictures from the hospital where we were holding after he had earned his wings. The memories came flooding back and for the first time it was all real. I held his lock of hair and looked at his baptism certificate and foot prints that were all done after he died. His crib was taken down at that point and I realized that I would never lay another child in his crib and the very thought of that just saddened me. I remember holding him that day and for the first time the fact that he died just overwhelmed me and reality just set in. I miss him so much.

Hugh and I are both still haunted by the events of that day. Certain things will trigger panic attacks still. Last night I had a horrible dream where I found Joshua dead and in my dream, I thought Oh, my God, not again, I can't do this again! I woke up with my heart racing and had a horrible time going back to sleep. Even when I did and I woke in the morning my heart was still in my throat. Ironically, even in my dream, I kept thinking of Job and how he lost everything and although I feel like I have lost everything, in reality I have not and I am so greatful for the things I have. That does not change the sheer fact that the panic attacks are still going to be there and that I have to find a way to live with this weight now in my heart and the bad memories in my mind.

Hugh is out tonight at his friends house. He had planned this for a while so there was no way I could even ask him to stay home tonight. Emotinally, I kind of needed him here but I know he needs his time away too. It is time for me to just pray and try to find an inner peace that I have been seeking since George left us. I know he is here in my heart but it does not help the fact that my arms are empty and yearn to hold him still. He was so beautiful, and I look at pictures and cry remembering how happy he made me and how we had a special connection.

There are moments that I get those moments of peace when I get some sign that he is ok. Today, after I had a really good cry looking at those pictures, I continued to go through his room. I came across his diaper bag and started to clean it out. Well, I went through every pocked and cried over the toys hanging off the side which were the last thing I took off. Once again I went through the pockets to make sure I didn't miss anything before I put it in the bag of things to go to the church for the rummage sale. I had thought everything was out and as I looked in I saw a penny heads up in the bottom of the bag. Anyone who knows our family, knows that it was my grandmom's thing. To me it was her way of letting me know that he was ok and was with her. It may sound odd or stupid but I found some sort of comfort in that. It was like the dream I had the other day with George in it. I was holding him again but it was different then any dream before, he was letting me knwo he was ok and that I would hold him again someday.

I know that each day will hold its own challenges but I am so greatful for my faith because I cannot immagine going through this witout it. I feel sorry for those who do not have faith and walk this road because I cannot immagine it completely alone. Even though many times I feel very alone, I know that Christ is walking with me so deep inside I don't feel so alone. People who don't have faith must really have a very difficult time finding peace and a way to move forward after something like this happens to them. I have actually added those people to my prayers at night because I cannot fathom the pain they must feel.

Tears streem from my eyes because I hurt inside but I also cry tears of joy knowing my baby has eternal life. I cannot think of a greater gift and I would not want to take that from him. He never knew the pain of this world like so many of us do. I would never want him to have the pain that I now carry and I would endure this pain a million times over if it meant that none of my children or loved ones/friends had to ever endure this. I especially would not want this for him and I know that the day he died, the only thing he ever knew was love and what a great thing that is, he went from know is heartly family's love to know his heavenly family's love and never knew true sorrow or pain and I would not take that from him to just be selfish and have him back for myself.