I just feel so very out of sorts. The past few days have been very hard on so many levels. I think that the "shock" of it all has worn off and we are just left with raw emotion. It is difficult to get up in the morning and I keep finding I forget things compeletely! Anyone who knows me, knows this is not typical for me. I am the mom who juggles a million things. Remembering where everyone needs to be at what time was always so easy. Now I can't even remember it the kids ate or brushed their teeth.
I've done a lot of thinking and also talking to Hugh. After much thought, I realized why I now hate to cook. The kitchen is the place where Hugh had handed George to me and my nightmare began. I did CPR on him laying on my counter and those immages are so very vivid to me and I cannot get them out of my head. Cooking and using that counter is just torturous for me. I could not pinpoint why I didn't feel like eating or cooking and then it all came to me and washed over me and I just sat there crying. Of course not doing it isn't an option but every single time I do, those horrible immages take over my thoughts and I barely get through making something as simple as toast.
These immages keep coming back over and over again. I cannot get rid of them dispite much trying. Yesterday I came up the stairs in a panic because Hugh was yelling and I heard his feet pounding hard across the floor. My heart dropped into my stomach because that is the same way it was the day he died and the moement he found him. Anytime I hear him get upset or walk hard on the floor panic washes over me and I am thrown into an all out panic attack. Yesterday I just had enough and looked at him and yelled at him to stop freaking out because he is making me go crazy and then just broke down in tears. Medication and talking to people has not helped, time is going to just have to help with this but it is such a nightmare to have to live like this.
So many "what if's" keep flooding my mind. What if I had gone into his room earlier when I went to get Richard ready for school? Would he still be here? What if I had changed his pajamas the night before like I had wanted to? What if I had remembered to do infant CPR rather then adult? Would my angel still be alive and not an angel? Had we called 911 right away would he still be here? If only I had prayed harder or had more faith or done something different would he be here? I know all of this is normal but when you are living it, it is just torture and makes it difficult to just breath. Most of today I walked around crying or with tears in my eyes.
If it was someone else I know I would tell them that there was nothing else they could do but as their parent you just feel so responsible for them. I feel like I failed him and in the biggest way possible. I should have saved him, that was my job as his mom! Being a mom is what I was always good at. I failed in many other aspects of my life but I was good at this. Yet I feel like I have failed at it all now.
I have joined an online support group and looked into several other local groups dispite the fact I am not really a group kind of person. It was nice to talk to other parents who have lost children who really understand where I am with all of this. They assured me that all that I am doing is totally normal and that it doesn't get easier but you cope better. So many things that others just don't "get" are things that only someone who has lost a child can understand. It made me know I was not crazy and that it is ok to feel this way.
I did contact the SIDS foundation that had initially gotten a hold of us. They have not contatcted us since 2 weeks before his autopsy report was finished and I just don't get that. Initially I was so upset that they had our information. It was as if they got more information on my son then I did and I was his mother. In a way I think I was angry becuase I felt that they had more say and I lost all my say the moment he stopped breathing. All of these strangers who did not even know my son had more pull and say in his death then I did. That is really what was very upsetting to me. I know it had to be that way but it was hard to have to feel like we were under a microscope and that everyone else had say and we didn't. I carried him and I knew him, not them.
All of a sudden the calls just stopped with no warning. Yes we can call there but it is very difficult to get up the composure to just make a phone call about something simple, this is so hard. They have a thing where someone comes to read through the autopsy and I want to do that since I do have some questions about it all. I emailed them but have not yet had corospondence back. I did add him to their memorial page today.
Part of me hates to read their page though. It tells you all the things to avoid doing to try and prevent SIDS. Somehow you sit there and question everything you did dispite the fact you knew there was nothing more you could do. Was he too hot in his pajamas and with his blanket...they say that overheating is one of the leading causes. Then I tell myself he had worn those and had that same blanket before. If he did have a metabolic issue then yes his autonomic nervous system could have malfunctioned and then he would overheat but I will never know that. Then I say, we put him to bed on his tummy because he asperated and had horrible reflux that we could not get under control. If we didn't we would never get him to sleep and played huge issues with aspiration...it was a damned if you do and damned if you don't thing. They are suppose to sleep on their backs but that was just not possible for him. So many times I changed his positions trying to make it more of a back sleep but it just never worked. Reading their page makes you feel as if you should have known better even though they don't say that, it is definately self inflicted guilt coming from so many what if's.
He had breathing issues since he was born. Because he didn't do it in front of docs, he was not on any monitoring or any of that. I know that he always had breathing issues but didn't know what it was from, I told the docs a million times I was concerned about it. I would always tell them it was not "normal" and 4 kids in I knew what normal was but it was never long enough to video it or during the times he was in their offices. I regret not pushing with this further but I also know there was nothing much more that anyone could do. He had trouble eating and just had lots of little things but no one could have predicted this.
That entire day seemed as if it was the longest day in our lives. The moments that went by between when we found him and when he was prounounced seemed as if it was an eternity. I still play those moments vividly in my mind and know it was only a few minutes but my got it seems like forever. Someday I hope that these horrible memories are taken over by only good ones. Good ones and bad ones are all painful right now and have been since he left us. Having lost him makes us feel like we are on a different planet. A friend of ours who also lost her child explained it as if you were droped off in some forgein country with nothing but the shirt on your back. You don't speek the language and can't leave and have to learn to find a way to survive.
I would give everything to have him back, yet know that it will never happen until I meet my maker. I've found myself listening to a lot fo Christian music and trying to find comfort that way. Being around others is just hard and I can't do that right now. It is odd because you feel as if you are there they are all sad when they look at you and they have to be careful what they say. This is what makes you feel like an outcast and yet if they make small talk you find you ahve no patience for that either. In many reguards I just keep telling myself it is part of the road in front of us. Today after talking to several people I know this is normal but this normal sucks. Everything is hard to do and you just feel like it is so hard to keep it together and sometimes are just overwhelmed by that very fact. There is a great Christian song called "Everything Falls" by the group Fee and that is where I feel I am right now.
It is then that I carried you...
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