Our sweet baby left us 12 weeks ago. It seems just like yesterday that I was holding him in my arms and yet it seems like an eternity has gone by if you actually think about that very moment it all happened. It seems as if each week marker holds an obstacle for us on an emotional level and yesterday was no exception. Both Hugh and I had rough moments yesterday.
The two of us went out with Michael. He had a dental appointmnet to check his teeth out. We finally found an awsome dentist for the kids. He will be going into the hospital to have his work done but he was such a good boy. We had told him if he was good he could have McDonalds. He of course didn't forget that and held us to our word so Hugh drove to the closest one. We pulled up to get our order and Hugh pulled forward to be able to get Michael settled. Suddenly he realized the last time he was there and emotion just flooded him. The last time he had been at that particular one was on his way up to the hospital to see me when I had given birth to our little monkey. With that we both just sat there crying. Something so small can evoke such a huge emotional impact.
We went back home since my mom called and told us that George's life insurance policy information had come in. Hugh and I had litterally just added him only a short few days before he earned his wings never expecting to ever collect anything on it. I cant tell you how hard it was to go into my mailbox and pick it up. I didn't even want to open it. Hugh was waiting in the car since we had needed to go buy some basics from the store. I walked over and just stood there crying. It was so bad that the neighbor had asked Hugh if I was alright when I ran inside quickly to get some tissues. The drive to the bank was one of the longest drives ever. It was such a bitter sweet moment. Usually you are happy to get money but we didn't really want this money, we would have rather had our little boy back. We would have given anything to just have him back and not a piece of paper on an envelope.
Hugh went in with me while I deposited it. My hands were shaking as I signed the check and handed it to the girl. I told her that it was a life insurance check for my son who had passed and I needed to know when it would be available because we are very behind on our mortgage. She just looked at me saddly and handed me their breakdown sheet. It will still take almost two weeks to be available but at least we can finally call the mortgage company and tell them we can pay them. They have been udnerstanding(even though it will still show on our credit, but after your child dies you could care less about a stupid number that everyone judges you by) and I wanted to be able to give them a timeframe.
One of the tellers happened to know me because I was her son's cub scout leader. The last time I had seen her, it was at the drive thru and I had passed her pictures of the baby. She turned to Hugh and asked him how the baby was and Josh was. He said Josh was doing well but the baby had died. She just didn't know what to say and felt so bad for asking. I told her to not feel bad, that it is tough but she did nothing wrong in asking. I proceeded to tell her that I want good to come of his life not bad and what our plans are We told her what had happened that day and by the end almost all the indoor tellers were over there listening with tears in their eyes in utter disbelief. None of them knew it was 12 weeks to the day we had said goodbye to our little monkey.
We made our way back to the car to continue with our day still very emtional but with a feeling of finality and helplessness all rolled into one. The money will be enough maybe to just about catch our bills up that have not been paid since almost the time he died, put together his memorial garden, with maybe enough to buy his brothers beds and that is about it. It was odd to look at that check and think, this is what my sons life was worth to this company but to us we would gladly take him back and give that back to them. Hugh and I sat there talking about the irony in it all. The very reality of it all has sunken in harder and harder as each day passes and we have more of these moments.
We still had to do what we were set out to do, go buy some things for the house. It has been extrmely tight for us here with me not working. Then this week I double paid a bill which put us in the negative and whe had to wait 3 days to have any money. It was terrible because we had to pay 3 overdraft fees and I was so mad at myself for making such a stupid mistake!!! It was the second time since George did that I did this.
Lately, it has been getting worse in terms of remembering things. I was actually more together in the immediate weeks following his death then I am now. Our credit cards were maxed between the boys medical bills and the cost of his funeral so we didn't even have that to fall back on. Ironically, I didn't care. I never thought I would ever say that. We had enough to get enough gas in the car and milk for the boys so that was all that mattered for those 3 days. Hugh's unemployment check came in for the week and we used some of that to go get some basics yesterday.
The one card we had a reasonable amount of money on was the Lowes card we have. We don't use it for a lot of stuff. Hugh and I decided that we were going to go there yesterday and use it to begin getting plants for George's garden. By the time the check clears, we can just pay off whatever we spend. I think we both needed somthing happy to do and the availabitiy was there so we just went with it. It had pressed so much on my heart that I didn't care we needed to do, I knew we needed to do this.
Richard had a hard day yesterday and went with us to pick out flowers. I huged him in the store and he just started crying and I told him I was sorry I couldn't take his pain away and that I couldn't fix it. We sat there crying and holding each other in the middle of the isle. Our little truck had a bunch of flowers but we still need quite a few more. We are going with a white, yellow/orange, and blue color scheme. They did not have the blue forget me nots we want to get or the white calla lillies that I want to get so I will have to email the guy from the nursery. Richard and I picked out some beautiful plants and can't wait to see them all in place.
We made our way to check out when an employee asked us if we found everything ok, I said yes and she made a remark about the flowers. I told her they were for our son's memorial garden and he had passed away in Jan. Several of the other shoppers had overheard it and the sympathetic but approving faces surounded us as we walked to the line. People don't really know how to handle it when you say your child died and sometimes you handle it better then they do. I'm not afraid to say that my son died and I am going to talk about it. I've decided that I want to make it part of my mission to make this not such a taboo to talk about. We even bought one of those vinyl stickers for our car that has his name and dates on it.
We are going to have to go back today and get some more plants. I want to get them all now since it is harder to find quality and what you are looking for later on in the season. Hugh began planting some of the flowers/bushes yesterday. It is starting to look good! I had purchased a few angel garden statues and precous moment ones. They are so adorable and are going to really make the whole thing look beautiful. I bought ones that were little boys or boy angels and they are just perfect. It is going to be a huge task but it is going to be well worth it. We may have a dedication once we are done and maybe see if the deacon who was with us at the hospital when he died would help us maybe bless the garden. We have our work cut out for us today as we continue with our work out there.
I woke up this morning when Hugh's alarm went off. For a brief moment I forgot that he was gone. My first instinct was to go check on him. I hate those moments because they are immediately followed by...he is gone. It was one of those mornings that I would have brought him downstairs with me and played with him in my bed. He would have snuggled under my chin and just lay there on my chest content and calm sucking his thumb. God I miss those moments more then anything else. Those moments of quiet where we are just there enjoying one another's presence. It seems like only yesterday we were doing that.
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