Forever Sad

I think the sad reality of it all is that my heart is going to be forever sad. The past few days I have talked to several mom's who all recently lost their children to SIDS. Many of us have the same feelings and some people are a year of more out from the loss of their child and others are only a few weeks. For me the fog has lifted and I am left in the sad reality I now call my life.

My arms are empty, my heart is broken, and I now live with a heart that will forever be sad. I miss my sweet boy more then words can even express. So many times in the past few days I have just broken down in tears because the reality has just hit so hard. Never again will I see his smile or hold him the way I use to. I won't see him jumping up and down in his bouncer with a huge smile across his face the minute he met my gaze. God I miss those moments so much! My heart aches for those moments that I will never have again and is yet still pained at the thought of the joy that it once brought me, knowing I will never have that again.

I watch other parents with their kids and wonder why my little boy? There are so many people who don't love their children and throw them away like trash and yet mine was chosen. Why? No sort of fairness is there in this thing we call life and I don't think I will ever truly understand it all. Why is my faith tested over and over again...I have been through so much and could truly need a break from the insanity. Now I will never have that ever in my life.

I've contemplated returning to work but still cannot find it in myself to do such. Many people just think that it is easy since I work from home but that is why it is so difficult. It wouldn't be like going back to a job where you don't see your child. I saw my sweet monkey every single day of his life all day long. Every time I would take a break I would come up and there he would be in his jumper and as soon as he saw me he lit up. My God I miss those moments. Thinking of not doing that again is so hard. Working is what I was doing when I heard Hugh's panicked voice when he found him. I still wish I had gone in their rather then trying to finish my hours that day so I could spend time with him that night because maybe I would have been able to do that but rather I was planning his funeral and never did complete those hours. The very thought of work right now is just overwhelming.

Losing a child in this manner has got to be one of the worst ever. You don't get to say good bye. You feel as if you should have saved them or done something different. The tramatic immages never leave your mind. There is just so much left undone and with no answers. I think it just makes you feel so helpless and lost. Realistically you know you can't change anything and somehow you have to move forward but in your heart and every fiber of your being, you can just barely find the strength to breath. You watch others going about their lives and yearn for that innocence that they all have and that you have been robbed of.

I have decided that I hate the phrase "I'm sorry" It has got to be the worst saying that people can say when someone dies. Prior to our angel earning his wings, I myself used that way to cavalier without truly thinking about how it sounds or what to say in place. I know I will never say that again to someone. Saying "My heart goes out to you" or "I'm here for you" is a million times better. I'm sorry is just such a rediculous saying because the individual did not do anything to caue the person pain. It is kind of if you appologize for everything, then the meaning kind of loses something. You know that when people say it, it is mainly because they don't know what else to say and that is what society teaches us to say.

As a society we are so unequipt to handle death, especially that of a child. When it does happen, everyone is so lost because the reality of it all is just so overwhelming. I'm greatful that I can help my chidren to handle death in a much different manner. No matter how good or bad you are at handling death, nothing can preare you for the loss of your own child. The pain is so great and unexplainable...it goes against the very nature of life. Here are two sayings I have come across the past few days that have such meaning to me.

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future Anonymous

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! Neugeboren 1976

We have gotten most of the flowers we are looking for to create his memorial garden. It is our way of finding a place to find peace when we need it and miss him where there are signs of life. I've been looking online for those little garden flags so that I can change them out with holidays and seasons. Since we did not have a headstone or anything and still have majority of his ashes here, it is kind of like having a cemetery in our own back yard. There are only a few more flowers I am hunting for...blue forget me nots...white calla lilies...and blue morning glories. Forget me nots are just very symbolic my name and nature. I love calla lilies(really hate the traditional ones) they just remind me of a uniqueness unlike any other flower. Morning glories are for our trellis to the entrance to his garden because he was born and also died in the morning so they open and close with the morning sun and I can't think of anything more fitting. The stores have not had these three particular ones so I am gonna have to do some hunting and maybe even order online if I can find them. It is coming along but on hold right now because of the rain. It is going to be beautiful and I cannot wait to have it done.

Please keep us in your prayers. We still have a lot of grief work to do but we will make it through even if our hearts are forever sad. We know that one day we will be with our little monkey again when our souls are eternally happy and look forward to that day although we hope it is a long time away. Kind of one of those bitter sweet kind of things.