The last two days have just been a whirlwind of events and emotions. All of the events were totally unplanned our our part but I know that God had his hand in it all along with my little monkey up there. There has been a lot of unexpected moments both emotionally and on working through our grief as individuals and a family. Some moments brought more closure and finality and others were for ways to help us live this new normal.
Yesterday Iwas on Facebook and came across a link that another bereaved mother posted about a retreat place in Minnesota for families who have chronically ill children or those who have lost a child. They have different programs for families and also for couples. You need to get a referral from a medical professional or clergyman or some other sort of organization. After much thought and contemplation, Hugh and I have decided we really want to go there and have asked our minister to refer us for this faith based program. We are still waiting on an answer but if they won't, I will talk to George's pediatrician and have him sing the paperwork. We will have to foot the cost for the flight and there is a donation request of $25 a night but it is so worth it for the two of us to get away and also to be with other parents going through the same thing.
That being said, it sent me on a quest to look for something similar just for Richard. I found a wonderful organization that has a camp for kids who have lost someone close to them. They have several around the US and one is here in NJ. I couldn't think of a better place for Richard to be and a way to help him work through his grief. We have been seeing a lot of emotional and behaviour outbursts with him and I want to help him when possible. But I also realize he is much like me and won't go to those he is closest with since you know they are hurting too. This is a way for him to find a third party place and be able to work through his grief.
It is a non profit organization and it doesn't cost anything for him to go. He will go for 3 days starting May 14-16th. I spoke with a woman from there today and I am so excited for him to go. Hugh and I are going to take him(it is about a 2 hour drive but I would go further then that if needed to get him what he needs) We get there around 4:30-5:30pm and the two of us will stay for dinner with them and meet the staff there. He will stay and we will come back to pick him up on Sunday. On Sunday we will bring the boys and they have a memorial service and a balloon release for everyone. I am so glad he will have a place to be comfortable and also for him ot know he is not alone and can go to others. Traditional conseling is not his thing nor is it anyone else in our families. That is ok and I am so greatful to have come across this place and i look so forward to him going!!!
Today Hugh and I were out and about doing some shopping. We have plans to get this house as free of toxins as possible for so many reasons. I'm not what people call a "tree hugger" but I am a "child hugger" and after losing one child I refuse to lose any due to toxin issues. It isn't harmful to do this but it surely is a huge risk to not do it. I wish I had known this before but I cna't change that I can only move forward and that we plan on doing.
While we were out and about, we got a call from the prosocutors office. I had totally forgotten that I had called them this past Friday. "Bob" told me he got the release form and that we could come up anytime to get George's things. He told us he would be there until 4 today and then there tomorrow. Knowing myself, there was no way I could wait a whole day. We cut our shopping short and dropped Michael at my mom's and made our way to their office. I dreaded the entire thing but am so glad to have his things back. They didn't belong in paper bags in boxes sitting in their closet.
Hugh and I came home and went through his things. They tookt hings he had never even used and other things that just made no sense to us. Some of the items we threw out, including his soiled diaper...still can't believe they kept that! My God it was so hard to go through those things. The blanket the hospital gave us in our "Angel kit" was there and that was what we held him in at the hospital. There was a pair of pajamas and I think they are the ones he was sent to the medical examiners place with...but still have figured out how they got on him or even where they came from. He was naked all but his diaper and the blanket when we held him in the hospital...none of his clothes were there that I can remember. I think my sister may have brought the outfit but I know none of us placed him in them. It just meant so much to know that someone else thought enough of my little boy to put him in his clothing. I know it sounds stupid but for whatever reason it just gives me peace knowing this because I had no say in his death and what happened to him after he died...only a bunch of strangers did.
Hugh and I both looked through his things and cried. What do we do with them? Why do these few things have so much meaning to us? We would give anything to have him back. Our hearts just hurt so much knowing that he will never be here again...he will always be the missing piece to our puzzle here on Earth. It still amazes me at times that he is really gone and then it feels like it was all a dream and he was never here. So many mixed emotions come and go in a matter of seconds.
The were really good to us at the prosecutors office. I was greatful for that. They truly didn't want to do this to us or our family but because there is evil in the world, this sort of stuff has to be done. It makes me so sad to think that athis is how it has to be especially during such a difficult time for people. Two of the guys even carried his things in their boxes to our van for us. "Bob" said..."I''m sorry, and held my hands" I just looked at him and said thank you. He could tell in my eyes how hard it was and how badly I hurt and yearn for my little boy who I loved with all my being. We did not have him go through the things with us there and he was greatful that we opted for that too, I am sure. He didn't want some mom and dad there crying over their dead son's things. The very few reminents to them that proved to them this little boy was in our lives.
I did go out to finish the rest of our shopping. Hugh stayed home with the boys and I was kind of greatful to just have that time to myself. So many things went through my head. I had gone to Target since they carry most of the non toxic cleaning supplies out there. We got quite a few to start with and I am curious to see how well they work. While I was there I had planned to look for a book "the Very Hungry Catipillar" for Josh and Michael since they are reading it in school and in love with it all. While I was there I came across this children's book called My Little Monkey. I just started crying in the isle and had to buy the book. It had a small little monkey with a blanket attached to it. I also purchased a plate for each of the boys to eat on that had a monkey printed on it since dinner time was always family time and that is just not ever going to be the same again. It ws a way to give the boys a symbolic way of having their brother there with them.
After Target I went to Joann Fabric to look for the small garden flag post I was looking for. I finally found one but no flag yet...I think I am going to have to start ordering a few online. They also had a lot of their garden stuff on sale. I got a bunch of cute little stakes for his garden... They are going to be beautiful and make it perfect. There were pinwheels in a heavy duty plastic and I figured a child's garden couldn't be without pinwheels blowing in the wind. The lady at the check out counter looked at me strangely but I didn't say much and got my things and took them home. There were some monkey ones I picked up that I am going to have to paint but I got 4, one for each of the boys. I am going to keep my eyes out for more of these sorts of things, they aren't expensive but just add a childlike feel to a garden and since that is hwo it is for, I just know I want them added. My sweet boy is missed so much and we just need that perfect place to go when we miss him the most. I love the fact that I can change things out for holidays and still celebrate with him.
WHenever I would come across things of his randomly, I would always hate it because it made my heart ache. Well,I began to relaize these moments come from him and God, letting me know he is ok. I came across his hospital bed card and just cried one day, then there were his hospital bracelets, and I cried, and then there was a binky wrapped in a blankie today that was not listed on the papers. It was his way of letting us know he is with us, because of my grief and aching heart, I was overlooking these things and thought of them as just pure torture when in fact they are small momentos meant to remind me of how much he meant to me and no time that he was with me was ever sad. All of the moments i had with him were joyous and that is what I have to remember and look for in our new normal, was to make those unexpected moments, moments of joy rather then sorrow. My heart will forever be sad but that doesn't mean there is not room for more joy then sadness.
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