3 Months/13 Weeks

Yesterday was 3 months to the day that our little boy earned his wings. Today it is 13 weeks exactly. Moments like these are the hard things. They make you think of what you lost and how much you miss it. I think about how my life was turned upside down and how it has very little reseblance of the life I once knew. This new life is a difficult one filled with many ups and downs and so many mixed up feelings. It doesn't mean it is bad, it is just different and I am fumbling my way through learning to walk all over again just like a baby learns.

I spent the day at the genetics office with Michael. There are a whole host of things that we will be looking at. She did validate all of my concerns and I didn't even have to bring them up. It was nice to have someone else go over my childrens records with a fine tooth comb like I do and not write off the small stuff. There are a host of labs that Michael will have to have done but he has not had labs done in quite sometime and this one is comprehensive and comlete, rather then piece mailed by several docs. She was sincerely sympathetic to our loss and my concern for the boys, possible future children, and the genetic implications that my children will have when they decide to have children some day. There are more details on the boys care page.

Hugh and I have been working hard on getting the garden complete. It is really starting to take shape and it is so exciting!!! Hopefully we can go and order the stones for the base of the plants. I did find a place that is going to donate the morning glories to us!!! I just about cried when the gentleman from CA emailed me telling me he was going to give them to us. He lost a child 15 years ago and knows the pain and what this meant to us. They will be shipped in the next few weeks and I can't wait. I also ordered a bench to put near his tree that says if love could save you, you would live forever. It is going to just be so beautiful when it is all done.

Yesterday I went to bible study at church, I really enjoy it. We are a very small group but it is more intimate and we get a lot accomplished on so many levels for all of us. I spoke alot about George yesterday. The topic was waiting for just the right moment and also how to deal with your enemys. Both subjects were very close to my heart. I have truly learned to listen to myself and God when I get those"gut feelings" They are not wrong because they are placed in our hearts.

We talked about dreams. It always amazes me when I got to bed at night after a rough day or after feeling overwhelmed about a decision I have to make and I wake up knowing exactly what to do. I also remembered the dream where I know George came to me to let me know that he was ok...I cannot ever explain the feeling in that dream but it just put a peace in my soul I cannot explain. So many times I have just had that guidance...although it took me a long time to figure out what that meant.

It was nice to have that time to talk and not feel funny about it because he died. Having people that listen rather then jump in the conversation with their own woes was also a much needed thing. There have been very few times where I have ever had that without someone else mentioning their sorrow or turning it into a this happened to so and so. Many times I just grit my teeth and bear these conversations while I am screaming inside saying "this is NOT the same!" This is my pain and it is very valid and having someone to share that with and not being interupted and just being allowed to not have to make it about someone else was just such a blessing for me.

I miss my little boy as much today as I did the day he left. The pain is the same and has not dulled any, I have just gotten better at keeping it together. Small things will forever remind me of him but they don't always make my eyes cry but make my heart cry. God is always with me and even if no one else understands, he does. He gives me the assurance that I am doing things the way they need to be done dispite outside criticism and lack of understanding of those who have never been through the loss of a child. Who else could understand that sort of thing better then God.

Below is a poem that my cousin Ashley sent to me and it really just says so much!

To My Dearest Family:

Some things I'd like to say
but first of all to let you know
that I arrived okay
I'm writing this from Heaven
where I dwell with God above
where there's no more tearsor sadness there
is just eternal love
Please do not be unhappy
just because I'm out of sight
remember that I'm with you
every morning, noon and night
That day I had to leave you
when my life on Earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said I welcome you
It's good to have you back again
you were missed while you were gone
as for your dearest family
they'll be here later on
I need you here so badly
as part of My big plan
there's so much that we have to do
to help our mortal man
Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do
and foremost on that list of mine
is to watch and care for you
And I will be beside youe
very day and week and year
and when you're sad
I'm standing there
to wipe away the tear
And when you lie in bed at night
the days chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you
in the middle of the night
When you think of my life on Earth
and all those loving years
because you're only human
they are bound to bring you tears
But do not be afraid to cry
it does relieve the pain
remember there would be no flowers
unless there was some rain
I wish that I could tell you
of all that God has planned
but if I were to tell youyou wouldn't understand
But one thing is for certain
though my life on Earth is o're
I am closer to you now
than I ever was before
And to my very many friends
trust God knows what is best
I'm still not far away from you
I'm just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb
but together we can do it
taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too
that as you give unto the World
so the World will give to you
If you can help somebody
who is in sorrow or in pain
then you can say to God at night
my day was not in vain
And now I am contented
that my life it was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody
who is down and feeling low
just lend a hand to pick him up
as on your way you go
When you are walking
down the street
and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze
or the wind upon your face
that's me giving you a great big hug
or just a soft embrace
And when it's time for you to go
from that body to be free
remember you're not going
you are coming here to me
And I will always love you
from that land way up above
Will be in touch again soon
P.S. God sends His Love

--Author Unknown