There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of my little monkey and how much I miss him. The past few days I have found that our front room will smell like his room did around the time he died for a brief moments in the morning. It makes me wonder if he is coming to visit or just letting me know that he knows how much I miss him. I made a candle that I light when I am thinking of him and every morning the sun shines in the window and the beam lights up the colored glass as if the candle is glowing. The rest of the room is not lit up, just that glass piece and it is always at the same time that the smell of his room is there.
Today I decided to go through and pull out Gabrielle's next size clothing and see what we have for her. We have been fortunate that some great people have given us things for her to use. Mixed in among the clothes were items that were George's that he never wore but that would work for a little girl. I pulled out the t shirts and knew they were his immediately or a sports tee that I know I had bought for him but he never made it to wear. I cannot tell you how very heart breaking it is to know you had such plans for something so simple that never came to fruition. There is some sort of bitter sweetness that comes with sharing these things with Gabrielle.
We are getting closer to the age George was when he died as Gabby hits her 3 month mark. I remember that George weighed less but that I had just pulled out his 3-6month clothing for him right before he died. The closer we get the more anxiety I tend to have with Gabrielle. He was Gabby's age now right around Christmas time and all I think of was how I didn't know that time was limited and that it would be my only holiday season ever with my son. Somehow in all of this, it makes me cherish the time with the kids in a way much different than ever before. I don't want to ever have regrets like the ones I now carry for the rest of my life for things that I wished I had done with him thinking I would have more time to do it.
He has taught me so many things that I didn't know before or just took for granite. There is a special place in my heart for him and a gratefulness to God that I will always have for letting me be his mommy. I pray that he help me to do his will and use this tragedy to change the world in a positive manner. The other day I had a visit from a woman who has become part of our family over the past few years. It was so nice to visit with her and talk to her. She reads a lot of what I write and told me to keep doing what I am doing. It made me know that keeping this blog and sharing those raw feelings and all that has come since George died has been a positive thing and even though others don't realize what this really is all about, there are many who do and appreciate the way I allow people into our world and hold nothing back. I think in some ways it shows the human part of emotions, good and bad, and how God changes us through good and bad feelings that we have.
I have looked back on the person I was before my son died. Now, over a year later, I am such a different person. The feelings and the pain are there but they are different now. Shock has worn off and I have had to deal with the reality that he is gone and all the obstacles that have also been placed in our way. There were times when I read what I wrote and realized misplaced anger, lack of understanding, frustration, and other times full of hope, inspiration, and strength. No matter my feelings the one thing that has not wavered has been my faith. I have watched my faith change but never has it wavered but has actually become stronger with each obstacle. I think that before all of this I thought I was a strong person and that all of the struggles were my limit of strength, but I was wrong. Somehow in all of this I learned that I am capable of anything that God wants me to do. It isn't always what I want to do and it is not always easy but putting my faith in him at all turns of life has been a huge lesson. I cannot plan things myself, they never turn out that way. Instead I have learned to listen to those subtle whispers and heartfelt nudges towards the path God wants me to follow. Somehow I am learning to not doubt myself and just know if this is what he wants it will happen no matter what.
The most important thing is that we love one another and work through these things we are faced with together. Even if we loose everything, as long as we have one another the rest of it is all just things. We can't take our house with us or any other materialistic things. It is scary to face the thought we may no longer call this house our home and it breaks my heart to think that it is even possible. Somehow even if we do loose our house I know that God sees the greater picture and I don't. I remember when Hugh lost his job and how I just had faith that it would all be ok, something I didn't usually have, but I thank God every day that he did loose his job. God gave him such a gift by allowing him to spend time with George before he took him back. Hugh never would have had that time and as hard as it was for our family, I thank God for it ever single moment of the day. I remember going through my divorce and all that came before it and didn't understand any of it and yet now I thank him for the gift of guidance and putting my life on a different path than it was on.
Among all of the life tragedies we have faced, none is grater than the death of our son. I know that if we can get through that in tact and stronger that there is not a thing we cannot do. I am not building my home here on Earth, I am working towards the greater picture and the home I will return to in Heaven...my son is already there creating a place for us...one of the passages I picked for his service was about just that and now every time I hear of it I think of how much more meaning that passage now has to us. It is going to be the most glorious day when I know I have done all that God has called me to do for that is the day I will be with my son again...until then I will continue to do all that I am called to no matter how impossible it may seem. All things are possible through Christ!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."
- Proverbs 3:5-6
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