I missed you a lot today. We celebrated your big brother's 6th birthday today with our friend Vanessa and her family. The two of us have always been pregnant together and she always had the opposite sex baby than I did every time. We have had 4 and 1. Today it was the first time I realized how hard it was to be there and not have you. The missing number was just so much more apparent.
I watched her little guy running around and thought of you immediately. You guys should have been the best of friends doing things together. Ironically you changed her life and made Vanessa hug her children tighter at night and her heart breaks for me and our family all the time. Whenever I see her I think of you and know how much you have touched her life and I know she thinks of you all the time. Being there celebrating was wonderful but made me really realize how much you not being there with us made me miss you.
Vanessa has become even closer to us since you died. She honors your memory ever single chance she gets. She is the one person who has stopped by on all major events and supported us in any capacity possible. I remember all the times she stopped by with a gift or small token of her sentiment. She never really knew what to do but always made the effort and it always meant the world especially when no one else tried. On her son's birthday she had a balloon there with your name on it and monkey cupcakes and lollipops since she could not imagine not planning her child's first birthday. They honored you in such a special way that my heart just swelled with so much love for them. She even told her sister who is pregnant with a boy that she can't use monkeys since they are yours:o) Her saying that just made me smile.
The ride home with Gabrielle babbling in the back made me realize how blessed we really are to have had you for the short time we did. Life is so very precious and although I want more I am grateful it wasn't any less time. God has blessed me with your brothers and your sister and although they don't take the pain of your loss away, they make me appreciate all that I do have and you taught me how to do it in a different way. There is this love for life that I have now that I didn't have before. I hurt in some ways but have gained other life pleasures. The life trails we face mean nothing since nothing is worse than not having you here with us. They can take my house and everything else but nothing can hurt anymore than the day you went to heaven no matter how sad it is.
People look at us with this pitty look but little do they know as much as we hurt we still praise God and appreciate what we do have rather than what we have lost. Your life here is gone but your eternal life is forever. Our house will be gone but he memories never will be. Life as we knew it just a few short years ago has changed beyond belief and is nothing we ever anticipated but in some ways it was what we needed rather than what we want. The hard stuff makes you appreciate the simple things and learn to live in the moment not the past or future. This is such a hard life lesson to learn and I still work on it every day. Every day of my life I will miss you but I missed you a little more today. Love you little monkey...play freely in heaven and know I am sending you hugs and kisses every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment