Today was such an odd day for me. My aunt came over with her grandchildren. One of them is only a month older than George would have been. I remember how everyone was so leery of bringing her around me when George died. This was the first time I ever met this little girl. She is so beautiful but all I could think of was how George would have been doing all she was doing. It made me wonder what he would have looked like and how he would have been.
This little girl is such a blessing and does not live an easy life. Right now her mommy has a drug problem and cannot care for her sister and this beautiful girl. She has been in trouble with the law and cannot care for her children but knew that enough to have my aunt care for her children, something I give her a lot of credit for. Looking at this child just made my heart swell with a love and want to just be with her. My heart broke for her mother knowing how much she was missing out on and could not fathom voluntarily giving my children away.
I could see this yearning in Hugh's eyes and see that he was thinking the same thing. He went back downstairs to work on the room down there. Part of it was because he wants to finish the room but I could see how hard it was for him. The feeling was so strong. Seeing her made us think of our little boy in heaven. It wasn't a sad feeling like so many people thought it would be. All I wanted to do was look at her and wonder how our little guy would have been. Every part of me just wanted to pick her up and hug her and kiss her. I just wanted to keep her with us even though I knew I couldn't.
After Gabrielle was born, I was very hesitant to have another baby. People already look at us and think we are crazy or look down on our family because of our problems and the amount of children we have. They don't know anything behind our story and why we have made certain decisions and when we made them things looked like they were fine and going to be great and then wham...something bad happens and we are yet again struggling to dig out of the hole. After seeing this little girl it made me realize that I don't care what other people think at all and that eventually I would like another baby. Hugh and I both feel that one more will complete our family. No child could ever replace George but after seeing this girl I realized that we were just meant to have one more child. Right now isn't the ideal time but sometime in the future is now something I am willing to consider when before I really was on the fence about it all.
I really thought that my feelings about all of this would be very different. God somehow took that sadness I thought I was going to have and turned it to something completely unexpected. It made me happy to see this little girl and see how much joy she created. These moments I know God's hand are directly placed in my life and are gracing me with his presence and love to show me the way and follow his calling.
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