Well, we found out yesterday that you will have a little sister. As happy as daddy and I were, it was so very bitter sweet. We were grateful since your big brothers now understand that she is not you coming back to us like they did for so long. Her name is Gabrielle Grace. I wonder if you met her before she was sent to us.
Daddy and I went to buy Gabrielle her first dress. As we were in the first store, we were both very overwhelmed. The baby isles bring so many mixed feelings for us! Daddy spotted an outfit in the middle of all the girl outfits that was definitely not a girl outfit. It was actually a monkey outfit, one of our favorites that you had worn. I didn't realize it at first since it was up on one of the higher racks. My eyes fell on daddy who just had tears streaming down his cheeks. I just hugged him as I saw what it was he had looked at. He said he knew you were there and you knew you had a little sister.
I cannot tell you how very hard this is for us. One part of us is falling apart while one part is happy. We are trying to keep it together and move forward with life. Your big brothers are happy and can't wait to have another baby but they still miss you and talk about you every single day. It is such an awkward place to be. As daddy sat there picking out her first dress, we both sat there practically in tears as no one else in the store really knew how very hard it was for us nor knew this life we now lead. It was almost as hard as the day I had to buy your christening outfit as the very last outfit you would ever wear and the people behind the counter had no idea and I just burst into tears.
Daddy and I made a very hard decision today. We have decided to use your changing table and rocking chair. It was so hard for daddy and I to want to use them. Part of us doesn't want to because it reminds us of you but than again, we want to give her something special from you too. Together we decided we will paint them so that it isn't so hard for us to see her use something that reminds us of you in such a big way. You were always happy there, except on the changing table that very first bath that you hated so much!
It is so hard to not have you here. We promise to make sure that she knows she has such an awesome big brother in heaven. We will be sure to show her lots of pictures of you and tell her all about you and how wonderful you are. I wish you were here to welcome her into the world but I know you will be there that day with us. I also know you will keep an eye on her just like big brothers do. Sending you lots of love and hugs right now...wishing I could give you them myself...you are always in my heart my little monkey!
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