Surviving

All I can say for the past few days is that we are surviving. Breathing in and out and moving through the day is about all I find myself being able to muster up. I thank God that breathing is involuntary cause if it wasn't lord knows if I would be doing that. Throughout the entire day and at night I find myself crying or choking back tears with the reality that this is all not just a bad dream and it is my life forever sinks in hard. I don't know how to live the rest of my life with this sadness forever in my heart. I keep it together for everyone elses sake and put on my "happy" face and even trying to escape by sleeping doesn't work as I wake from nightmares that replay that horrible day over and over again.

I hate the fact that this is all "normal" I don't want it to be my normal, I want my old life back where there was not a looming sadness. I don't want the anxiety or panic attacks anymore, they are exhausting and just a horrible reminder over and over again. What I would give to be able to erase them but instead they are more vivid than the good memories...the good memories grow fuzzier each day and it just breaks my heart. I can't remember his face without looking at a picture, all I see is the baby that was handed to me and lying on that hospital gurney. That isn't the baby that I knew but the baby i knew only now exists in my heart...a baby who's laugh I can no longer hear or remember. I would give anything to have the good memories like I have the bad ones.

Hugh's birthday is tomorrow. We are keeping the kids home and plan to spend some time with them. Hugh didn't want to do anything initially but has decided he wants to take them to Chuck E Cheese in the afternoon. I know it will be one very difficult day for him since I know how I feel and it isn't even my birthday. For me, it brings such a sadness thinking that a year ago he was alive, smiling and playing like he should be. We didn't know he would be gone and it just breaks my heart. I have more anxiety about tomorrow than I do of the day that he died for some reason. I don't remember much of that day to be honest, all I remember are my very last moments with him while he was alive, those are vivid. With me feeling this way, I can only imagine how he is really doing, but he is keeping himself busy with work and the kids.

The kids are their normal selves and can't wait to go out with Hugh tomorrow and have no idea what the day brings for us and I guess that is a good thing. Joshua however keeps referencing things and people dying every single time you turn around. Just about anything you do that seems like it could be dangerous or even things that aren't he will say that it will make you die. Every single time I hear it, it just breaks my heart. Richard knows the day is coming and has his moments but in general he is doing pretty well. Michael and Gabby don't know anything is different.

Lately Hugh and I have been talking about the house. It breaks our hearts to think we could loose this place. We have not heard back from the lawyer that is helping us muddle through my unemployment situation and even with him working we would still be struggling to make payments even if we didn't pay the basics here. I called a guy from our local news station and he told us to just walk away since we owe more than the house is really worth. He has no idea how hard that is, this is the only place our children have known as home, Hugh an I worked so hard to fix this place up, and this is the only place George ever lived. Part of us would like to leave to have a new start somewhere else but even still, doing that would be like loosing part of ourselves in the process.

I often wonder what else will we really have to loose? Haven't we been through enough as it is? These are the times that I have to rely on my faith the most. I don't understand God's plan for us right now. There has got to be more than I am seeing and understanding right now and although I am ok with that, it doesn't take the human part of me out of the mix and causes me to worry and be sad for the things I had thought would be in my life. I often times refer to Job and how he would not denounce God but let him know in no uncertain terms that he didn't get it at all. That is probably the best way to describe how I feel about everything that has transpired in our lives to date. There is also a part of me that knows God has greater plans for us than we did for ourselves and how overwhelming the thought to be called to do his work truly is.

Please keep us in your prayers as we make it through these next few days and survive through the hardest thing since George died.