I have really been thinking a lot lately about all that has transpired in my life thus far. Often times I wonder how in the world it is fair and why have I been chosen to carry these burdens. The other day a friend of mine came over to sit with me and help me out. Ironically she is my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Over the past year or two that we have known one another, she has become one of my best friends and is there for us no matter what. She is a friend to me like I am a friend to others and that is odd for me since it isn't often I find that. What that means is that she gives of herself unconditionally and would drop anything no matter what for the other person.
Right now she is going through a tough patch in her life and I remember being there myself years ago. She is a wonderful person and is now learning how to love herself rather than continually looking for approval from everywhere else but within or from God. This is such a hard thing to do and I remember going through this after my divorce. That of course got me thinking as to how odd it was that we are both friends due to my ex-husband. This man had created such problems for the two of us and great pain in our hearts but in the end also gave us the gift of a friendship that we never would have ever had otherwise. Even if I had to do it all again just to meet this wonderful person, I would.
In all of that I began to think about how the trials of your past are not what define you but rather help contribute to the person you are meant to be as long as you allow that. It is when you wallow in the pain and sadness that trials bring do they get the better of you and you are actually putting more obstacles in the way of being that person you are to be. No matter all my poor decisions or things that others just don't understand, I am proud of who I am and all that I have accomplished in my life. It may not look like a lot to many people but spend a little bit of time with my children and you will see what I am talking about. They are all so very special and I am not saying that just because I am their mom. God has allowed me to help in his plans and blessing me with these wonderful gifts and there is no way I would trade them to not endure all that I have been through.
Many people can pass judgement but I know I don't have to answer to anyone but God. That is such a wonderful thought. He knows why I do what I do and I that all the things that have gotten me to this point in my life are what is actually creating the person he wants me to be. It is also such a wonderful feeling to know I am loved so unconditional and in the way I need to be loved even when I don't love myself. I thought alot about death and where I would be if I had gotten so sick and been called to heaven. Standing there I know I could be proud of who I am because I have learned to love myself and do all that I do trying to do what I feel I am called to do.
The death of George has even contributed to the person I am meant to be. I miss him terribly but he has given me a whole other part of myself that I did not have before he died. It was devastating and I had compassion before but never like I do now. There have been wonderful people I have met up with that I never would have if he had not died. It also taught me to appreciate all the small things and to not take things for granite because none of us have tomorrow. Today is a gift from God and tomorrow is just an added blessing should you be able to see it. All of it could be changed in one single instant and so I have learned to make it all count. I can also see where he has changed the lives of others and that there was more God has created from this tragedy than what I have taken from it.
By allowing all the bad things/choices to define who I am that means that they have won and taken over all the good in life. I refuse to allow that to happen. Embracing the pain and the bad actually makes me a stronger and more well rounded individual. I'm going to have my moments and so does everyone but that is ok as long as they don't take over our lives and we take those moments too and keep moving forward. Life isn't meant to be easy but it is great and I will surely allow all moments, good and bad to add to the wonderful person that I am and am meant to be. It is hard but try to not beat yourself up and look deep inside and try to find a way to love who you are and if there isn't something figure out how to change that. God loves us all for who we are not who we or others think we should be...that is such a wonderful gift!
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