Emotions Surfacing

That ride to the hospital really brought up a ton of emotions for me. The whole time I was there I could only think of George and my grandparents. The images of George and the day he died just kept running through my mind and even images I never saw creeped in as I wondered what he really went through during the moments I was not with him. After posting on a page for other mom's who have lost their children, I found I am not alone in this and that it is actually something more common than not.

The sound of an ambulance always make my heart race but being in one just made me think of what he must have been going through. I could only think of his little body as he laid on a stretcher with them working on him. The image of him being whisked out of my house lifeless and being worked on will never leave my mind. Watching as the worked on him in the hospital and every horrible moment after is just as vivid as ever. Every moment as I sat in the ER, that is all I could think of. We met back up with the doctor that worked on him...once we mentioned him the doctor turned my case over to someone else. You could see in his face the look of pain that brought him back to that day too.

Up in my room I would think of his little body on a stretcher after everyone left, all alone, and covered by a sheet. That image haunts me and I feel for my brother Anthony who actually saw that when he went to be with us but had not known we left. My heart just breaks for him for his own memories that he carries. We have talked about it several times but he was so touched by his death but does not allow anyone else in on that pain other than me every once in a while. Just the mention of George's name brings this look to his eyes that I cannot explain to anyone.

Often times I don't know how many of my family members have taken George's death. I know my Sister Tara was very affected and we often talk about him. My mom and I also talk about him often but I have never talked about him with my sister Michelle or my father. Michelle came to visit me while I was in the hospital and it was the first time I realized that we never even spoke about it. She was there for Hugh and I that day and was there when George was baptized and held me while we waited for everyone else to show up after they were informed he was dead. She drove Hugh and I to and from the funeral home to make arrangements and to see his little body for the very last time. She always has seemed so distant emotionally from me but her eyes give in the pain that she carries. I realized for the first time while in the hospital how much she does care and carries although she never really lets many in on that.

My dad is a whole other story. He talks to very few people at all. Through the years he has confided in me about certain things but has not ever been an affectionate person even though you know he cares. He was at the house when the EMT's took me out. You could see the panic in his face. Richard came with him to the hospital and he stood by my bed watching me in pain and although he was calm on the outside you could see it was bothering him on the inside. It must have bothered him quite a bit since he called my mom on his own at home the next morning while he was at work and checked on me to see if my mom had heard anything.

My mom told me this and then I thought about him and how he handled George dying. He loved that little boy. In the days following George's death I saw tears in his eyes several times but he never really cried. Even now I will mention him and you can see the tears as they come to his eyes. He never took time off at all when George died and kept working through it all even though I cannot even imagine the pain he felt in his heart. I will never forget the last moments he had with him and how he was holding him when I came in my parents house to pick George up after they watched him for a little while. I am constantly reminded of that night whenever I come in their house and see them watching Gabrielle and he holds her. He loves her and my boys in ways I cannot explain, even though he doesn't say it, his words speak so much louder. In my whole life I can count how many times he told me he loved me on one hand and I remember them all so vividly and they mean the world to me. I cannot think what he carries with him after all I go through myself and I express it all the time.

No matter the time or day, you cannot escape it. Talking to all these mom's makes me know I am not crazy or alone in any of this. It is so very hard when you have moments that take you by surprise and the pain surges all over again like it was that day but in a slightly different way now. Just when you think you have gone through everything emotionally you realize that you haven't and life changes yet again. Emotions surface and even though you may have faced them before, each time they come back, there is always a new twist on them and something new you have to think about or work through. I think this is why it is a life long process and not just as cut and dry as so many people would like to make it. It would be so much easier if it worked in the nice little step package that doctors and others like to put it in but really it doesn't work that way and I think it sets people up to feel like they are failures or gives others a place to judge a person yet again. People don't fit in nice little boxes and neither do their emotions and I hope if anything that people take away from this page it is that a dead child is no different than a living child, they are part of your life until you die!