Long Few Days

As you can tell from my last post things kind of went haywire on Wednesday. In the morning I had some of the typical aches and pains from any abdominal surgery so I thought nothing of it although I felt kind of odd. I got up and walked around the house a little and then took some of my pain meds. Once I was done, I went and laid down for a while but when I woke up my jaw was aching horribly. I wrote that off too thinking it was possible from the intubation tube that they use during surgery and I had such a sore and scratchy throat coming out of surgery that it didn't surprise me if this was just par the course.

I stayed up for a while but felt so run down I stayed in bed other than to go to the bathroom and grab something to eat. After a second nap, I woke up and just felt awful!!! Everything just hurt! I couldn't more my arm without it aching. My legs ironically didn't hurt but my pelvis did and I could barely walk. Richard came home to give me some food for dinner but I was so out of it. I was talking to him and my mom called and as I was sitting there I just kept feeling worse. Hugh had gone to work and I was trying to get him to leave early but they would not let him leave even though I had just had surgery and they knew that I did. Thankfully my mom had the kids for me but it really is a lot for her to do alone all day long.

I kept trying to get a hold of Hugh throughout the day but was not able to and finally I felt so bad that I knew I had no other option. Richard helped me up the steps and I could see the fear in his face as he had never seen me in that much pain ever in my life. He was not going to let me know he was scared or upset but I could tell. I told my mom I was calling 911 since there was no way I could walk to the car not to mention into the ER and sit there, it wasn't happening. My dad couldn't have taken me and I would have been in much more pain so as much as I dreaded calling 911 I knew I had to. Richard would not leave my side even though I tried to get him to go to my mom's with the boys. Hugh finally was able to contact me but still had to drop the car he had off and they gave him a hard time about having to leave.

The squad members that came were wonderful! My nosy neighbors were outside watching as I was taken away in the squad. None of them talk to us because of the neighbor across the street other than the one family on our one side but they were all out in droves watching me being taken away. It is such a shame that our neighbors are like that and that they are all controlled by one woman on the block and don't talk to us even though we never did anything to them. Thankfully the little boys were not here because the whole experience was just emotional from start to finish.

I just sat there crying and sobbed as I was in the ambulance. All I could think of was George and the day he died. The combination of pain and all the terrible memories just ripped at my heart as I sat there thinking of how my sweet baby boy was whisked way in the ambulance to the same ER I was headed to the day he died and all of the events just flooded back along with so much of the anxiety. I apologized to the EMTS for kind of being a basket case and explained the situation and the gentleman in the back just wiped my tears for me and told me it was ok while he held my hand. I was so thankful for him at that moment...he was definitely a person God put in my life at that moment to be with me even though he didn't know it.

I didn't think that Richard and my dad were coming but they met us at the ER. Every part of me just prayed that I was not in the same room that George died for. Thankfully we were not on the same side. They were so busy that I was in the hallway for quite a while even before I was given any pain meds. Hugh finally got there and the whole time as I was trying to focus on trying to work through the pain, I just kept looking over at Richard. He is so much like me and his emotions are just written on his face but only certain people know how to read them.

In between a few waves of pain, I turned to him and told him to come next to me and I told him it was ok. With that he just started to cry. I had forgotten it had been the first time he had been in the ER since George died. It hurt so bad as I hugged him but I could have cared less about myself at that point in time. With that I turned and told him I wanted him to go home and that I was proud of him and he could stay home the next day. He reluctantly left but I could see the relief on his face. Richard is such a wonderful child and I am so proud of him especially during these moments...he is so much like me in so many ways and I thank God for the special heart that he has and am thankful to know him on such a different level than others.

I was moved around a couple of times but somewhere in all of it I was found to have a fever and they had to check me for blood clots just as a precaution. Everything came back normal via tests and labs but it was apparent there was something still wrong so I was admitted overnight. Hugh went home and got Gabby from my mom and the boys stayed at my mom's house. I did not sleep at all and was finally moved at 4am but by the time I got settled rounds started and the only time I had a nap was for 2 hours during my one test. My roommate was a wonderful woman who had a knee replacement and he husband was a very nice gentleman who spent most of the day up there with her. Hugh visited with the kids in groups of two's for a short period of time. Michael made me a get well picture that I now have in my memory box.

Not much changed throughout the day and I was kept on no food or liquids just in case I had to go back into surgery. Finally my nurse at 5pm hunted down my doctor after I finally got annoyed and told them I wanted answers as to what was going on. He had gotten the test results at noon and I knew it since I had spoken with the technicians after my test and she said they were not busy and that there was not going to be a delay and that he would have the results by noon. I was feeling worse as I was given more pain meds but no food and could feel that I needed to eat. When the doc did my surgery he didn't even come in and speak with me after so by that point I was just annoyed by 5pm with no food and no answers as to a plan of action. The nurse finally got a hold of him where he gave me clear fluids and kept me another night. I was fine with that but needed an action plan and felt I deserved one.

My roommate and I had the worst room in the place. There was no shower at all in our room and we were across the hall from the break room!!! That is the worst place to have your room, especially at night. THey all go in and out a million times and stand there chatting while you are trying to sleep and they don't realize it. My poor roomate had knee surgery so there was no way she was getting up to shut the door so it was always left to me to do it when our nurse or another staff member left it open. It took forever for them to come in and check in on us when we pressed a button but I was so sore after last nights ups and downs that we both kind of got short with the nurses and every time they left asked them to shut the door behind them. Without being curtious to the other person in the room the staff would just flip all the lights on and the other person was woken up too. If we got more than a few hours of sleep total we were lucky!!!

The doc did come in finally and see me when I was sound asleep so I was not really with it enough to ask questions or say anything when he woke me up. He checked my stomach and told me I could have normal food again and that he had no idea what was going on with me but that as far as the surgery went that there were no leaks or any of that so he was just going to send me home. He said it may be a reaction to anesthesia but he was not really sure why all my joints had hurt. I was so out of it I didn't think to ask anything as far as asking to see another doctor but I really wanted to just get out of there and at least get some sleep and see if it helps any, the food did help quite a bit and once I got home today and took a shower and got some food I could actually eat, I felt so much better and less lethargic.

The boys went to my mom's with Hugh so I could get a nap in and that helped but I think it is just going to be a long process and I have to give myself the ability to give my body a break. I have just been going non stop for so many years with stress on so many levels that I think my body just finally said..."slow down" and didn't give me the choice in the matter since I definitely ignore it! The doctor said no lifting Gabrielle or any strenious activities for my own safety and also Gabby's/everyone else's. I am just very week right now and I have picked her up a couple of times since I was here alone for a while today when Hugh ran out but I could really feel it in my body. I was smart enough to sit with her and have her lean on me but it is surely tough!

Hugh is headed back to work tomorrow after several issues with the job. I know people think he needs to be at work but when you have 4 kids and your wife is unable to even work there is so much you can do. We cannot ask my parents to keep watching the kids, they do become too much to take care of all the time and shy of that there really aren't any other options for us. Hugh's mom came today to help out but she can't lift Gabby either and can only tolerate the boys energy for so long. The kids are high energy and others are just not used to caring for so many kids at once and not for such a long time so it is very difficult. Hugh even had a hard time doing it, I know them and have them down to a science but being out of it has just left them able to do their own thing. It is hard to have a baby and kids with special needs and minds of their own.

I am going to try and make it through the weekend and see how I feel on Tuesday. I'm going to make an appt to see my general practitioner and try to get to the bottom of this all. My appt for follow up with the surgeon is that day too but I still have no idea how in the world I am going to get there since I can't drive and Hugh has to work and my mom will have to watch the kids while I go there but I will figure it all out somehow. It is a shame that I feel so run down because I don't even have the energy to deal with this sort of stuff either. My whole body just feels as if it has just said...enough...physically,mentally, and emotionally! Hugh is trying to figure out what to do with work and keeps asking me and right now I just need him to be here but understand he can't be so I just keep telling him to do whatever he needs to do...at this point I really don't care one way or another I am just so wiped out on all fronts.

You never realize how many people depend on you or how much you really do actually do until something like this happens. On a daily basis you just keep making it happen and working through it all. You start out with carrying a small bag and as items are added you keep finding ways to carry them too...you run out of hands so you start to balance things on your head or find ways to make it work. Eventually you get so overwhelmed you drop it all and that is what finally happened to me. I want to do all that I was doing but I just can't do that and don't have a choice, it is so humbling and hard for me to do. Right now, faith is what I am running on. Things are just not in my hands right now on all fronts. We had to cancel appts for the kids and the house stuff by no choice of our own so I am just praying about it all and going to trust in God that he has plans for us! I can do anything with God and this too is something I will get through, one step at a time and in his time, not mine!

Please just keep us in your prayers, we really need every single one we can get right now. Over the next few days I will update here with several things I went through during this whole process and things that changed me emotionally in just a few short days but for now I am headed back to bed to relax before tomorrow comes and Hugh is gone for the day which always brings its own set of obstacles.