Letter to God

God,

I will never forget the moment my son awoke in your arms for he left mine. My heat broke that morning and the immages will forever haunt me. The arms that use to hold my sweet baby now ache and yearn to hold him again. Pain like this is just so unimmaginable to those who have never walked this road. I use to be one of those who didn't get it and I would give so much be able to rewind the clock and for you to change your mind so I could have my baby back. The very thought of living the rest of my life without him in just makes my heart break all over again.

There have been moments where I just felt utterly alone. So many try to understand but just cannot even begin to immagine. I know you understand for you have been down this road yourself. When I feel all is lost and I can go no further I can hear your messages in my mind telling me that you are with me. There are days and moments where even breathing seems impossible. My thoughts will go back to many of your messages you left here on Earth and those that you keep reminding me of. At those moments I somehow breath in and continue to live as you have planed for me.

So many times I ask why and what makes you choose me. My life has been difficult to say the least, so many things and dreams have been taken from me already...when is my fair share up. I watch others in envy wishing I could have their luck and innocence. From time to time I wonder what I ever did so wrong to deserve the pain I now live every day and will forever live. Realistically I know nothing is the answer but being left with no answers is so difficult. I have struggled on so many levels and cannot understand the lesson you are trying to teach me at times. Then there are moments where I try to understand that it may be a lesson for somene else but then why my baby? I watch people beat and abuse their own children and could not understand why you would not take that child rather then my son who was loved unconditionally. Yet, your voice still rinds in my mind reassuring me it will be ok.

Sometimes it seems as if he was a dream. The only lasting prof I have happens to be the scar from where he was born. He came from love and was loved the time you entrusted him to our care. We have pictures and belongings but they mean nothing anymore and only bring more pain. That is when I think about the passages that say to not worry about earthly things and worry about what you will be building in heaven. Never did I anticipate my "house" would begin being built without me there first.

I know you have him in your care and there is no better place and I would never take that from him. I hurt for myself and the sadness that I will now live with for the rest of my life. People talk about the grief process and how it is just differnet when your child goes home before you do. You can try to understand and prepare yourself for this sort of thing but nothing can prepare you. The sudden loss makes it even worse...we never got to say goodbye or give him one more kiss before he took his last breath the moment he grew his wings and flew to be with you. I remember kissing him that night and doing the sing of the cross on his forehead as I do every night on all my children. Please kiss him for me and hold him tight and sing to him...those were the things that made him so content. I miss being able to be the one to do that and care for him.

Many moments come when I wonder if only I had done something differnet whould he still be here. I know I beat myself up and wish I could go back just to see if he could have stayed. The moment he was given to me, I knew he was already in your care. I tried all I could to keep him with me because I loved him with all that I am but dispite all my efforts I could not fix it. As I held him you just kept telling me it would be ok. I still don't know how it is going to be ok although I trust you.

I don't know how to be whole again. This entire thing is just so foreign to me. The very thought of him makes me cry knowing what I lost. The thought of lossing something important is such a terrible feeling and then you are so happy when you have found it again. I pray that when my day comes that I have that feeling when I am reunited with my angel. It is always auch a great feeling when you find something you lost rather then knowing exactly where something is and being able to walk up and grab it without much effort.

Please stay with me and carry me when needed...I cannot do this alone and you are the only one who knows my heart. Tell my little monkey to save a place for me, that I love him more then life itself, but that I still have to take care of things here but I will be there, I promise!