God do I miss him. It has been so hard the past few days to honestly not cry randomly. So many times I sit here and just miss him. I could be doing something but I keep finding my mind wandering to my angel and how much I miss him. How can my sweet baby boy be gone? My heart just aches so bad. I just want him back and I know I can't have that now.
Yesterday I went and sang in a concert for my old chior director. It went well and we all had a good time. For a few fleeting moments, I was consumed all the way to the core of my being and just sang that song from my heart. It was called "Children Will Listen" The wording that struck me the most was "How do you tell your child in the night, nothing's all black but then nothing's all white, How do you tell them it will all be alright when you know that it might not be true...What do you do? That is how I feel every day of my life right now. I can't even help myself through this, how in the world do I do it for my kids and help them? Music has always been theraputic for me and I truly enjoyed myself for the first time since he died.
My sister and I had decided not to go out after even though we both kind of wanted to, but we were both tired. We got back to my house and sat in my van just talking. I sat there thinking of the days when our lives were simpler. Our biggest worry was mom not finding out we didn't do something or that we did do something. What I would give to have those days back! Here we were now, two grown women, with huge holes in our hearts relying on one another to make it through some of the most difficult trials of our lives. Things that we never thought we would ever be doing all those years ago as we sat in our room when days were simpler. I'm so greatful for her and our relationship. I realy don't think I could have gotten through this without her. She does understand my pain and the things she does not know first hand, she at least understands my response and the way I am handling things or doing them without any expaination. She will always be herself, a worry wort to the core, but above all she has a heart of gold and I thank God for her every day. I know our two boys are up in heaven together playing and keeping one another company until the day their mommies come to be with them again.
Today I had one of those all over the place days. I was helping my aunt and her mom with thier Medicaid issues. Tonight we had dinner at my mom's to go over the details with their daughter/sister since she was unable to be there today. The boys were there with me. They were outside playing on the deck. Before we knew it they had soil, from a pot from last year, all over my parents deck. It was a big mess. I went out there to get them to stop. When I asked them what they were doing and why they were making a mess, they looked at me puzzled. Josh looked up at me and said "Mommy, we aren't making a mess, we are making Georgie's garden here too!" Well I just wanted to cry and didn't know what to say to him. There was no way I could even say anything and let the two of them work hard on their "garden". They have helped so much with the one here at the house and I am going to post a few pics that I downloaded off my camera today...they are just adorable...they miss their little brother so much.
The other huge even for the day was a call from a lawyer that I had inqured about weeks ago. There were several questions I had about George's death/autopsy/recent vaccinations. A huge part of me really feels that my boys have an adverse reaction to their vaccinations due to their underlying metabolic disorder. I know that getting the disease itself could kill them but is that possibly the thing kicking their disease into high gear? Could that have been what killed my son? Could that have been what caused Josh's seizues and permanent developmental delays? I don't know but this lawyers office specializes in vaccine court cases. They will not take on any case that they do not feels has merit and could not win in court. It does not have anything to do with the docs or staff of any facility(I will never sue a place/person that does something accidentally or because of lack of knowledge. To me that is "blood money" and people are human and make mistakes and can't be expected to know everything) but actually the federal government's court for vaccines.
Since I had not heard from them since my inquiry, I just assumed that they felt our case was not worth looking into. I had honestly forgotten all about it. This afternoon they called me and told me that they want to get further information but based on what I had said, they felt it was worth looking further into. They are sending me paperwork in the mail this week. If they feel that the case has a chance then they will pursue it if we want to. It will be no cost to us because the federal government put money aside when they began to mandate vaccine use for damage to people and they pay the lawyer fees if you win your case or don't. It truly makes me wonder what truly is going on behind it all. No matter what, I feel it is worth looking into. This is all they do and they specialize in these cases but only take on certain ones.
I just can't get past this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are still to many coincidences with it all. All of my boys had serious issues after thier vaccines. Michael could not walk for 3 days and had horrible fevers after this same particular set of vaccines...Josh had seizures within the same time that George died out from their vaccines. After reading up on the reactions of these particular ones, many of them are issues my children have had. It makes me wonder if I had not given them to them would they have these issues? Children with underlying metaboic predisposition to cellular dysfunction have higher chance to sustain damage from their vaccines. God I wish there was a better way to test children when they are first born. A parents instinct doesn't count and they are years from being able to do that unfortunately. I just think of all the families that will go through these same issues especially if it can be prevented or at least detected early enough to have them watched closer without docs thinking the parents are nuts.
Nothing will ever bring my baby back or mend the hole in my heart. I have learned that my gut instincts are usually right and I really feel this is something I have to look into further. I've learned to not ignore these things because they only keep haunting me until I get to the bottom of them. I knew something was wrong with George and I was right, but let other's oppinions sway my gut feeling, and now he is dead. Never again will I ignore the feelings I have about things, dispite the fact I will always second guess myself. Making decisons for others that are life altering is such a huge responsibility. When they go wrong, you are left with regret and a heavy heart for the duration of your life dispite the rational part of you telling yourself somthing else.
I do not know if I will update the rest of the weekend, it is going to be very hard for me. My angel would have been 8 months old on Mother's Day and just the fact that it is Mother's Day without him here is just going to be a huge challenge for me. If it was my choice I would sleep through the day but that is just unrealistic and truly not in my personality. With us having the other kids it is important to still keep moving forward. I hope you enjoy the pics of the kids working hard for their little brother.
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