Christmas Tree

Today we took out our Christmas tree. I think I was just completely unprepared for the emotions I would feel having to do this. Hugh and the boys put the tree up. Richard cleaned off the top of the mantle where George's urn is kept so we could figure out what we were going to do for Christmas. Usually I put my precious moments Christmas village up there but will no longer do that. This year they will just stay packed away. I don't know what to do with them and don't have the room for them anywhere else. The mantle has become his special place where we try to still find ways to celebrate earthly things we no longer can do with him in person.

Once the tree was up we started to look for the ornaments. For the life of me I could not even and still don't even remember packing the things away last year...that entire time following Christmas was a whirlwind since we had gone to Disney and George was dead only a few weeks later. We did find the box with the ornaments in them and I started to hand them out to the boys. Each boy has specific ones that are theirs that they have acquired over the years and has special meaning to each one. Mixed in there were a few of George's...the beginning of his collection. I remember thinking how he would get to put his on this year with his brothers but I was so wrong. The boys continued to decorate as I sorted through and pulled out the ones that were George's for his tree. I think there were about 4 that I put on his tree.

For now we have an artificial tree but I want to get a real one with the roots attached. We will plant it in the yard after the holidays as a remembrance. I just want to have something that is living for him this holiday season. We have had a few people drop off ornament gifts for us to put under his tree. Some of them were not wrapped and I sat down today and wrapped them. The boys are getting excited by them being there and I am grateful for that for them. I hope that we get some more but if not, that is ok too, they are just very excited that he has gifts but I told them they have to wait until Christmas to open then and then they get to decorate...that made their day! I will have to still get some other decorations for the fire place now that there is just a different purpose for it than last year. We might have to wait until after the holidays to get things on sale but right now it just is missing something or a few somethings...I just haven't figured it out yet.

I was really ok for a while and then wham it just hit me! Right now I have not figured out if it is a combination of things but I stood in the kitchen crying and not knowing what to do with myself. My mom had sent part of dinner over and I had to finish it up. The kids were in the other room whining that they were hungry as I waddled around the kitchen in pain trying to finish making dinner(a huge obstacle for me with my leg being a mess). It seemed like the room just started to spin...my leg just hurt so bad and so did my heart and my head just felt so foggy. I didn't know what else to do but just cry so overwhelmed by it all. It was like this was all a bad dream but it wasn't and I knew I couldn't escape any of it and that it was only going to get harder.

I took my plate downstairs to my room and put my leg back up and collected myself. Randomly I would still find tears running down my face and it was just out of my control. Hugh came down to check on me and hugged me. He knows I am physically exhausted and at my whits end with dealing with my leg and the pain that I am in at the end of the night along trying to stay off of it but at times having no other choice but to get up and do the mom things I have to do along with all the emotional parts. He asked me what was wrong and I just cried and said I didn't know...I am in pain on many levels, and am just so overwhelmed that all I know to do is cry at times. It isn't all the time but when these moments come they come without warning and it is like a huge wave washing on the shore with no warning.

Hugh is back to work again tomorrow with Friday off again and a list of things he has to do especially since I can't do a lot of them. I am glad that he has been doing day shifts though because he is home to get the kids to bed. It is such a task to do that and requires more than I can do right now. They go to my mom's after school and Hugh picks them up when he is done work. I try to stay off my legs but usually have to make dinner or come up with something for them that is quick. Fast food is getting old and is way to expensive to keep doing even though it is so much easier but making meals proves to be difficult for me right now. Just making the sides tonight and spaghetti last night proved to be a lot physically. I think these guys will just become familiar with oodles and noodles soup and mac and cheese. They don't mind since they like it but I don't know how long it is going to be like this and they need something more nutritious. We were smart enough to freeze food from Thanksgiving dinner that I can use and I do have some home made soup I froze so at least there are a few options but I just have that built in mommy guilt that I am letting them down even though I know better.

Here is to tomorrow being a better day! I have come to realize that this entire season is going to be difficult even the things I don't anticipate to me such. There are probably be a lot of things we just don't do or opt to do differently. Just like my village,they will find there just is no place for them anymore and we will have to find new ways to do things and create new memories and traditions. I am just not sure how to do that yet and think it may take a few tries before we even figure it out if we do at all. Accepting that is the hard part but at least knowing that is putting us on the right path. I will just put my faith in God and pray for his guidance with it all.