Survived

Well, we survived the holiday. It was much different than any of our other holidays. It was kind of low key and solemn. The kids spent most of the day at my mom's and Hugh and I were here at the house. The first half of the day I was cooking the turkeys until around 4 when we went over to eat. We did not stay long since Hugh had to be out the door by 3am to work Black Friday. The kids stayed there and enjoyed themselves like usual while Hugh and I returned home. It felt very disjointed and odd but we made it through and that is all that matters.

The next day Hugh worked for quite some time. I went to my parents with the kids for a while since I have been having trouble with my right leg and the veins in it. It finally got to the point I could not walk and when Hugh went home I called the docs office. They had me go straight to the ER. We were there for about 6 hours and found that I have several superficial blood clots but thankfully no DVT at this point in time and are trying to keep it that way. The doc we saw was very nice and he told me it looked like it hurt like hell and gave me some meds and told me to stay off it. If it gets worse or I am short of breath I am to get back to the hospital to have it checked again since these can turn into the bad kind at any moment.

My family has been great and my mom has been watching the kids while Hugh is working. I have been having a hard time staying off of it but know my limits and know I just can't do anything. It is so frustrating when I have so much to do around here yet know I can't do any of it and am particular about things. Hugh has been so wiped out by the time he gets home we have been ordering a pizza or something else to eat and calling it a night since I cannot be on my feet to cook. I go to the OB's tomorrow morning and will see what they have to say. They checked the baby and she is fine rolling around like nothing else is happening. I've never had a problem with this before so it is truly interesting to say the least. My leg now hurts worse than it did but only from where they did the ultrasound since they have to push very hard and almost down to the bone to make sure there isn't something else going on.

The boys have not minded at all since they have been able to spend time at my parents and would probably live there if they could. For me it is a little hard to just have the silence. I'm getting better with it than I used to be. The silence just reminds me that George is gone and I miss him so much more. The pain meds have however made me tired a lot and I sleep quite a bit and have done a lot of thinking about how to still celebrate life and not let it all get the best of me. It is so hard to do that but I know that I don't have much of a choice.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and also the two year anniversary since my grandfather, who George was named after, died. I listen to my mom and how she does not want to celebrate her birthday because it is the day of her dad's death and part of me feels sorry for her. He would not want that for her and he looked forward to the day he returned to heaven. I don't want to carry that sort of animosity towards a certain date or day and has really made me contemplate how I want to react to these sorts of things. Grief is very personal though and I respect that however I have found that I need something more. God has placed a different desire in my heart and has called me to face the day in a different manner. I know if my grandparents could talk to me they would want us to find good in it because they loved the Lord so much and looked forward to the day they joined his kingdom.

My mom was not really happy with us choosing January 29th for Gabrielle's baptism and was against us baptizing George last year on tomorrows date because of the pain it carries for her. She personally has a hard time with the 29th of the months since we have had many losses on those days. However, I think I look at things slightly different,which is completely fine, and want those days to carry some sort of happiness rather than just total sadness. We are looking at Gabrielle's baptism in a different light and want to bring joy to that day rather than sadness. It will be a hard enough day but I think knowing she will become a child of God that day her brother had his heavenly birthday will be a testament to God's love and promise for each and every one of us. I have to find a way to not let it get the best of me and after George's birthday being so lonely, I just knew I didn't want to do that for his heavenly birthday and sit here and just feel sad and sorry for myself and my loss.

I think of my grandfather and how two years ago I was sitting at the ER with him. He was joking with the EMT's and doctors like nothing was happening. The two of us however knew that he was not staying. The end part of his life I got to know him for who he was as a person and I thank God for that time with him. We gained a special bond that I cannot explain. When I left that night, I looked in his eyes and knew that was the last time I would see him and I kissed him on his cheek and told him I would see him again and he just smiled. He knew I knew God was calling his name. I was the first person to the hospital after he had died that morning and there was this peace in the room that I cannot explain that left as others began to show up to say goodbye. I remember asking the nurse for a comb and telling him how my grandmom was going to yell at him when she saw him because he didn't shave. I did not find sadness when I was with him although tears fell from my eyes, I was happy, his chains were gone. His death for me was very different than my grandmother's and even George's.

Joshua had a special place in his heart and gave him the chance to be the father/grandfather that he had always wanted to be but never was. He brought him more joy in a month than I think my grandfather knew in a lifetime. You could see that the time he was given was God's gift to him and allowed him the time he needed in order to finish his job here. The other day Joshua started to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and I knew my grandfather was smiling in heaven and crying. Had he been here to listen to it I know you would have seen tears streaming down his face behind his coke bottle glasses that graced his tired and worn face. It is so great to think that he is in heaven now enjoying the company of my son who was named after him. I can see him just bragging and walking around like a proud peacock because that is who he was. He would never outright come and say something but you could feel it in his presence.

Please keep us all in your prayers, especially my mom as she faces her grief head on tomorrow which is a very difficult day for her on many levels.