Words

I have come to this page countless times trying to find menial words to express the mixed difficult emotions I have been feeling the past few days. There are no words able to explain it at all. I remember reading a while back in a book about SIDS and how there comes a time when you feel so overwhelmed almost to the point you actually question your own sanity. Reading that I thought they were crazy and I would never go through that but boy was I wrong.

Often times I find myself in tears numerous times through the day without any particular trigger. I've sat here not knowing exactly what it is that I am feeling but just rather being overwhelmed by the numerous and difficult emotions that have come my way. After much thought I have sat here wondering why things are so difficult and I have to say there are several contributing factors. First of all the hormones of being pregnant have always made me more emotional, Hugh is working crazy hours and the boys are at my mothers since I cannot care for them with my leg the way it is right now and that has left me with much time to myself in silence to think, all of the financial issues that seem to keep getting worse, and then there are the holidays.

I sat here wondering why these particular holidays are more difficult. For me I feel it is because he was here with us last year at this time. Easter was hard and left me with feelings of sadness for the dreams I had for him that he never got to do whereas he was actually here this time last year. I think of how he was in love with the lights of the tree and I would hold him and sing to him and the very thought of those moments no longer bring joy but sadness beyond belief. I also mourn the dreams that I had for future holidays and all the things I had planned for him that he will never do. I miss holding him, kissing him, and just loving him with the reciprocation of feelings.

We have put up the tree and the blow ups for the boys but I really have no desire to do more than that. I want to but just can't bring myself to do it still. It is kind of like a kid having to go shopping with his mother in the store but not wanting to go. They don't have a choice but are dragged along sometimes kicking and screaming and other times just suffering their fate. There are those moments where it doesn't seem so bad and they eventually make it through and often times that is how I feel. Words are just not capable of expressing most of what I feel because I don't understand it myself. I just know I miss my little boy and want him back but can't have him back and am left to try and find a way to live without him in it. Please keep me and our family in your prayers each day as we try to find a way to do that without really knowing what will or will not work.