ok, I officially feel like Job. All that has happened in my life I would always take solace that I at least had my health and that I was ok. Today I went to the docs and that all changed for me. I had decided after I had Gabby that I was going to start taking care of myself so that I could take care of my family better. That being said, I knew it included my health and I had not been to the doctors office in a while for a basic check up.
At the visit I told him about back pain I have always had and trouble I started to have with my hips during my pregnancy with Gabrielle. He ordered an xray of my lower spine and hips. The hips came back fine put the spine said I needed further evaluation. I had a Cat scan on Friday which came back with a whole host of problems and now I am going to have to have a lot of other things ran. We are starting simple with another cat scan of my pelvis and abdomen hoping to knock out some of the questions about my kidneys and also take a look at my small intestines and stomach for IBS/Chron's Disease vs Lupus. No matter the case, at least I know I was not crazy and needless to say I was surely thrown for a loop with it all.
Personally I am just so emotionally exhausted after the continual ups and downs we have had to face. It seems as if there is never a break in all the chaos. What I wouldn't give for a few days of just me time where I don't have to do anything for anyone and could just lay in bed and forget the rest of the world exists for a while. There are times when I sit here and ask God what in the world he is thinking, wasn't George dying enough or putting our house into foreclosure enough...no now my health too? Come on man! Every part of me could just give in and say I am going to let this get the best of me but I can't allow that and know in the end I will yet again rise since I know God is walking with me.
Right now as of the moment and for the next few days I am sure I am just going to feel very overwhelmed with it all. In the end however, it won't get the best of me and I will overcome this too. I know God has a greater plan for me and as long as I keep doing his will and trying to do what I am called to no matter how bad things get than that is ok. My faith does not waiver even though I don't always understand my calling or why things happen to me. I have walked with this pain now for quite sometime...getting the news is only putting a name to what I have been dealing with. I just pray for God's guidance and help through whatever it is that my future holds. I won't let anything get the best of me no matter how bad it seems and I am going to continue to be the person I am.
In so many instances good and bad, I know God was at work. People would judge me without really knowing the path I walked. I will never forget how so many people have turned away from us especially in our time of need just because they didn't understand choices or decisions we made. They didn't realize that often times there was more than what they knew was involved and that even though things seem cut and dry they aren't for our family. I am glad that God is my judge and not people because often times they just don't get it. I am also thankful that I know how hard it is to be judged by other who don't understand because it has made me a less judgemental person towards others. I may not agree but I accept that we all have free will and I may not be seeing it all.
I just ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I walk this path.
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