Today is Infant loss awareness day. 1 in 4 will say goodbye to their child way to soon. This whole month is awareness month but often times it is overshadowed by breast cancer awareness. Although there is purpose behind that cause too, I feel more passionate about this and hate the fact that it is given very little recognition. As a mother of a child gone to soon, I have lit candles all day today remembering all the families missing a member and a child in heaven's playground. I wish that more people would recognize the importance of this day/month since it touches so many lives.
My mind of course goes to my monkey in heaven. I've missed him a lot lately, especially with the holidays around the corner and remembering his short little life while he was here. We were blessed to have him with us for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas but it is also so hard to not feel his presence this time of year. I have yet found a good way to celebrate and incorporate him in some capacity without feeling a great sadness during these times that should be happy. I'm really trying to keep it all into perspective and still be the mom for my children that are here and living. This really is a difficult task to do sometimes but I know George would want that. I thank him for helping us to recognize that the small moments are really the big ones and the ones that matter the most.
It is so very hard to live your life constantly yearning for something you cannot have. I cannot have my son back and now need to learn to stop wanting that and rather live for what I do have. Giving up on a dream that you had for yourself and your life is so very hard but to keep grasping for something that cannot happen makes it hard for you to move forward and embrace the things that are yet to come. This does not mean I have to forget my son and what he meant to me but rather find a way to be grateful for the time I had with him rather than grieve the loss of my dreams for him and our family. Nothing is harder than giving up a dream but nothing is greater than embracing a gift either.
I don't want to live life without him but I don't have a choice in the matter and I have to learn to live without him here. It breaks my heart and he took piece of me with him but I also have found some inner strength and love that I did not know I had. All of my children are a blessing and God has chosen me to teach them about life and how to live. They have also each taught me something that God wanted me to learn. Right now he is teaching me a lot through Gabrielle and she has been such a blessing. In some ways she has taught me how to live again.
George's death devastated me and rocked me to my core. I wanted to die with him and could not find a way to live without him in my life. My pregnancy with Gabrielle gave me a reason to live and she continues to show me how much God loves me and how he is with me all the time. There is a different appreciation for life an a new way of looking at it all that came with her. As much as I am raising her, she is teaching me. I will still celebrate these moments and his life but now it will just have to be in a different way. Today I will remember all of those who are walking this path with us.
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