Friday, January 13, 2012
Prayers Please
Right now I am having such a difficult time with my anxiety...my heart has not stopped racing since yesterday. I did not get to sleep until 5am and even now I can feel the anxiety through my whole body. This is so much harder than his first year. I'm in need of as may prayers as you can muster for me to get through this hard time!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Insomnia
I cannot tell you how hard it is to function on such little sleep. There are moments I am exhausted but cannot sleep. Anxiety and my mind running away with me just make it so hard to wind down enough to find sleep. Tonight is one of those nights. The closer we get to George's death date the worse my anxiety gets and the simplest thing will start my heart racing. Last night my parents came in the house and I was sound asleep only to wake with such panic in my heart the minute I heard the door shut. Today I had several attacks...one Hugh was upstairs and I could hear his voice but not what he was saying and I started to panic...later that day Joshua knocked something over and I was sent on another attack trying to calm myself down. These attacks are just awful and you cannot prepare yourself nor talk yourself out of these things.
The attacks when George first died were different and although they were more frequent they were not to the core of who I am. These attacks I can feel coming on and I try to talk myself down from them but can't and don't say anything to anyone for fear that they just won't really understand. People will always say that they understand but they are wrong unless they have been down this road. How can I say that? I was in their shoes before and what I thought was completely wrong and things were so different then I could ever realize. Watching my friend walk this path there were moments when I thought she was crazy and I now feel horrible about it. My heart now breaks for those who do walk this path and thank God that those who don't, really don't have to know what it truly is like and that they can only empathize.
I think one of the hardest parts in all of this is watching it all unfold but having no control over any of it. In my mind I am a totally different person than I am on the outside. It is like the outer part has to protect the inner vulnerable parts. I've gotten good at playing the part but it is like watching someone else live my life. One part of me is stuck with my son and yet part of me moves on every single day even if I don't want to. I cannot bring him back and not only do I mourn his death, I mourn the death of the person I once was. It is so hard to sit back and know you have to be patient with yourself as you try to relearn to live life and yet not squander any moment of it. I see others around me hurting but I have nothing left of myself to give sometimes. There are days when all I can do is get out of bed and trudge through another day. I thank God for the day and his guidance to bring me to the place he wants me. It seems so selfish to not be able to get past yourself but it is also a blessing to realize this.
Lately, I have been realizing that God is teaching me how to laugh and smile again...not like before...but different and not a bad different. It is however hard to see how much my family has needed me and yet I have not been able to give to them like I was so used to. This trip to Florida on Monday with my friend is one I know is much needed. It feels so selfish to be going away by myself and I am having quite a bit of anxiety about it. I often don't wonder if this does not also add to my anxiety attacks since I have not left my children without me for more than a day or so. This is actually the first time I will leave Gabrielle and that is really causing me a lot of anxiety. We have met a lot of the milestones that I had hoped to but I once found some false sense of security in those types of things only to find out that was all they were, false.
Tonight I sat here thinking about children and the gift they truly are. You cannot learn this sort of love without having a child and you cannot face death without facing birth. Everything comes on its own balance and without taking the risk of one, you cannot reap the rewards of the others. If God had told me I would have George but only for a short time, I would have done it willingly although I would have been apprehensive and probably kept my distance from him. I often wonder why we didn't know ahead of time and I truly think it was because God wanted us to give him unconditional love with no fear of holding back. George got to know our souls, especially mine in a way like no one else had. I really think this is why it hurt so bad when he died...I had to get a lifetime of love crammed into 4.5 months and if given the choice I know I wouldn't change things as much as I say I would.
Without George dying I know Gabrielle would not be here. With everyone in my family always giving Hugh and I a hard time about additional children, I never would have even thought of it that soon if I had wanted to keep my sanity. Every single time I was pregnant I was happy but dreaded telling anyone since I knew the minute they knew all my happiness was gone out the window as I face judgement and ridicule. It was so hard to tell people about Gabrielle not because I feared their negative reactions but rather didn't want positive ones now just because my son was dead and it was ok by their standards. If it were up to me, I would probably never tell anyone until the baby is born so that I could have reveled in my joy without wondering if people were talking behind my back like they always did taking away the simple joy of being happy for myself and my husband and the wonderful blessing from God that I felt growing deep within.
In the end I have to trust in Gods plan for all of this, even the inability to sleep at times. Some of the times I find myself closest to him is during these waking hours that I will surely regret in the morning. I'll probably be thinking something different in the morning when I am dragging Josh out of bed kicking and screaming and Hugh goes off to work while I miss having him home. Our lives have changed so drastically in the past two years that it is barely unrecognizable other than the love the two of us have. His time that he was laid off ultimately lead to a lot of things but the things I will forever cherish are the moments that we all got to spend together and how he got to spend all that time with George. He would have not known George if he was working like he is now. His job loss was the best gift God could have ever given him. I pray to find sleep soon enough but until that time comes, I will sit here just praying for all of the moms across the world doing the same thing I am right now for I know I am not alone and that is unfortunate.
The attacks when George first died were different and although they were more frequent they were not to the core of who I am. These attacks I can feel coming on and I try to talk myself down from them but can't and don't say anything to anyone for fear that they just won't really understand. People will always say that they understand but they are wrong unless they have been down this road. How can I say that? I was in their shoes before and what I thought was completely wrong and things were so different then I could ever realize. Watching my friend walk this path there were moments when I thought she was crazy and I now feel horrible about it. My heart now breaks for those who do walk this path and thank God that those who don't, really don't have to know what it truly is like and that they can only empathize.
I think one of the hardest parts in all of this is watching it all unfold but having no control over any of it. In my mind I am a totally different person than I am on the outside. It is like the outer part has to protect the inner vulnerable parts. I've gotten good at playing the part but it is like watching someone else live my life. One part of me is stuck with my son and yet part of me moves on every single day even if I don't want to. I cannot bring him back and not only do I mourn his death, I mourn the death of the person I once was. It is so hard to sit back and know you have to be patient with yourself as you try to relearn to live life and yet not squander any moment of it. I see others around me hurting but I have nothing left of myself to give sometimes. There are days when all I can do is get out of bed and trudge through another day. I thank God for the day and his guidance to bring me to the place he wants me. It seems so selfish to not be able to get past yourself but it is also a blessing to realize this.
Lately, I have been realizing that God is teaching me how to laugh and smile again...not like before...but different and not a bad different. It is however hard to see how much my family has needed me and yet I have not been able to give to them like I was so used to. This trip to Florida on Monday with my friend is one I know is much needed. It feels so selfish to be going away by myself and I am having quite a bit of anxiety about it. I often don't wonder if this does not also add to my anxiety attacks since I have not left my children without me for more than a day or so. This is actually the first time I will leave Gabrielle and that is really causing me a lot of anxiety. We have met a lot of the milestones that I had hoped to but I once found some false sense of security in those types of things only to find out that was all they were, false.
Tonight I sat here thinking about children and the gift they truly are. You cannot learn this sort of love without having a child and you cannot face death without facing birth. Everything comes on its own balance and without taking the risk of one, you cannot reap the rewards of the others. If God had told me I would have George but only for a short time, I would have done it willingly although I would have been apprehensive and probably kept my distance from him. I often wonder why we didn't know ahead of time and I truly think it was because God wanted us to give him unconditional love with no fear of holding back. George got to know our souls, especially mine in a way like no one else had. I really think this is why it hurt so bad when he died...I had to get a lifetime of love crammed into 4.5 months and if given the choice I know I wouldn't change things as much as I say I would.
Without George dying I know Gabrielle would not be here. With everyone in my family always giving Hugh and I a hard time about additional children, I never would have even thought of it that soon if I had wanted to keep my sanity. Every single time I was pregnant I was happy but dreaded telling anyone since I knew the minute they knew all my happiness was gone out the window as I face judgement and ridicule. It was so hard to tell people about Gabrielle not because I feared their negative reactions but rather didn't want positive ones now just because my son was dead and it was ok by their standards. If it were up to me, I would probably never tell anyone until the baby is born so that I could have reveled in my joy without wondering if people were talking behind my back like they always did taking away the simple joy of being happy for myself and my husband and the wonderful blessing from God that I felt growing deep within.
In the end I have to trust in Gods plan for all of this, even the inability to sleep at times. Some of the times I find myself closest to him is during these waking hours that I will surely regret in the morning. I'll probably be thinking something different in the morning when I am dragging Josh out of bed kicking and screaming and Hugh goes off to work while I miss having him home. Our lives have changed so drastically in the past two years that it is barely unrecognizable other than the love the two of us have. His time that he was laid off ultimately lead to a lot of things but the things I will forever cherish are the moments that we all got to spend together and how he got to spend all that time with George. He would have not known George if he was working like he is now. His job loss was the best gift God could have ever given him. I pray to find sleep soon enough but until that time comes, I will sit here just praying for all of the moms across the world doing the same thing I am right now for I know I am not alone and that is unfortunate.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Time Marches On
Time marches on with you or without you in it. The very thought of that is dumbfounding to me sometimes. You find yourself saying you would die if this person or that person died or was harmed when in fact that really isn't the case. Your heart will never be the same, that is true, but time will march on either way. Some people find strength in themselves while others draw from their face. As you have come to learn by following my story, I choose the latter. I really do believe everything happens for a reason in this life and that is the good and bad. Every situation comes with a good-side and a bad-side to them.
I stood in the mirror today staring at myself thinking about how years ago I never would have ever planned to be where I am right now. Richard just turned 13 yesterday and I wanted to make it as special a day as possible. Girls have their sweet 16 but boys don't have much so I have decided that the day they become a teenager, I will consider that a special day for them. We sent him a "flower bouquet" made out of cookies and had it delivered to the school. He called the moment he got them and thanked me for them. I had them make them purple(Rich's favorite color) and put a monkey in as one of the cookies It was really cute, almost so cute you don't want to open it! I love these sorts of little gifts, they are practical and don't die even though you can eat them. It is a little more expensive but I now it is appreciated and will be put to use.
I've been thinking about what we want to do for George's death date. Last year we had Gabrielle baptized that day and I was grateful for that but there is now something else we have to do this time around. We are asking people to do a random act of kindness in his memory and if you feel compelled to do so please send something to us here. I want to put together a collection of "angel monkeys" to decorate his mantle with. Please also consider the boys and Gabby and how there might be something special you could do for or send to them. That day I want to sit together as a family and open the things sent to us and remember the good memories that we had with him. I'd also be hopeful to share what we did that day in memory of George to do something nice for someone else. If you have chosen to help in this capacity please email/call me and let me know what you did in George's memory. Hopefully we will have some tangible stories and can put together some scrap pages and start a scrap book. If you happen to have pictures of George or of something that means something to you please send that along so we can make this part of our project.
I know we can do this and make it a good day rather than a day full of dread. It is going to hinge upon others participating so it may be limited since often times I have to make these things happen or beg for participation. I am praying that this time people will find it in their hearts to do something that speaks to them in some way and share it with us. Feel free to share this with anyone you may feel would like to help out. Something that may not be a big deal to you could be a huge thing to us! Please share your stories or mail card/item for the mantle! Thank you all in advance.
I stood in the mirror today staring at myself thinking about how years ago I never would have ever planned to be where I am right now. Richard just turned 13 yesterday and I wanted to make it as special a day as possible. Girls have their sweet 16 but boys don't have much so I have decided that the day they become a teenager, I will consider that a special day for them. We sent him a "flower bouquet" made out of cookies and had it delivered to the school. He called the moment he got them and thanked me for them. I had them make them purple(Rich's favorite color) and put a monkey in as one of the cookies It was really cute, almost so cute you don't want to open it! I love these sorts of little gifts, they are practical and don't die even though you can eat them. It is a little more expensive but I now it is appreciated and will be put to use.
I've been thinking about what we want to do for George's death date. Last year we had Gabrielle baptized that day and I was grateful for that but there is now something else we have to do this time around. We are asking people to do a random act of kindness in his memory and if you feel compelled to do so please send something to us here. I want to put together a collection of "angel monkeys" to decorate his mantle with. Please also consider the boys and Gabby and how there might be something special you could do for or send to them. That day I want to sit together as a family and open the things sent to us and remember the good memories that we had with him. I'd also be hopeful to share what we did that day in memory of George to do something nice for someone else. If you have chosen to help in this capacity please email/call me and let me know what you did in George's memory. Hopefully we will have some tangible stories and can put together some scrap pages and start a scrap book. If you happen to have pictures of George or of something that means something to you please send that along so we can make this part of our project.
I know we can do this and make it a good day rather than a day full of dread. It is going to hinge upon others participating so it may be limited since often times I have to make these things happen or beg for participation. I am praying that this time people will find it in their hearts to do something that speaks to them in some way and share it with us. Feel free to share this with anyone you may feel would like to help out. Something that may not be a big deal to you could be a huge thing to us! Please share your stories or mail card/item for the mantle! Thank you all in advance.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Speaks to My Heart
Yesterday Hugh and I went to see a lawyer about the house and bankruptcy. There is still nothing we can do about the house since we don't have enough money to pay the mortgage each month but he can stay the sale that was scheduled for the 12th to give us about 60 more days to get our stuff out. It has been hard to do that since Hugh has had to work so much for the holidays and we are always swamped with things on his days off. We have not been able to get help from other people so it has taken longer than we thought it would but we are down to only one room left so that is a good thing. The lawyer had to ask questions and of course it gets down to how you got this way and once he heard our story, he just wanted to cry. He kept saying to us with each addition of struggles that he could not believe our story and how he was going to get in his car and cry the whole way home! You know that is bad when a bankruptcy lawyer says this to you.
Prior to this Hugh and I were out in the van and I picked up a book that I had intended to read but just had not gotten to and eventually forgot about. It is called Prayers of Comfort, Healing Words of Hope. It is a religious based book talking about all sorts of life struggles. I know that God wanted me to read this because it just spoke to my heart right then and there and even after reliving our story with the lawyer, I still left in a better mood than I went in with. I wanted to share some passages with you that have truly spoken to my heart and I hope you too will be able to take something from this.
What happiness there is for you who weep, for the time will come when you shall laugh with joy! Luke 6:21 TLB
It was so odd to read this because just the other day I sat there with Gabby watching her in a completely new way and finding myself really smiling again. The very thought made me realize how I am learning to smile and laugh again for real and how I had lost this. Even in my darkest despair I have found that I still have these moments and I appreciate them in a way like never before. I got so used to faking it for everyone around me that I had not been able to even realize it when it did happen for real. With that I prayed to God and thanked him for this gift.
My Creator, I know in my heart that these tears will one day give way again to joy, yet for now I know only pain. Help me to find the courage to let these tears flow, to feel the loss and heartbreak, so that I may come out whole and cleansed again. For on the other side of my sorrow I know life waits for me. I want to laugh again.
I am like two halves of a walnut, God. I am of two minds:despairing and hopeful. Help me feel your hand holding me together as I rebuild my life when at first it seemed too hard to even try. In order to get to the meat of a walnut, it must be split into halves. May the brokenness I feel get me to the nourishment-the meat-I need in order to move on. Amen.
This explains it all to the core...so many mixed emotions and knowledge that only God can help you through this.
Father, make me resilient like the sandy beach upon which the waves crash. Make me strong like the mighty willow tree that bends but does not break in the high winds. Give me the patience and wisdom to know that my suffering will one day turn to a greater understanding of your ways, your works, and your wonders.
Prior to this Hugh and I were out in the van and I picked up a book that I had intended to read but just had not gotten to and eventually forgot about. It is called Prayers of Comfort, Healing Words of Hope. It is a religious based book talking about all sorts of life struggles. I know that God wanted me to read this because it just spoke to my heart right then and there and even after reliving our story with the lawyer, I still left in a better mood than I went in with. I wanted to share some passages with you that have truly spoken to my heart and I hope you too will be able to take something from this.
What happiness there is for you who weep, for the time will come when you shall laugh with joy! Luke 6:21 TLB
It was so odd to read this because just the other day I sat there with Gabby watching her in a completely new way and finding myself really smiling again. The very thought made me realize how I am learning to smile and laugh again for real and how I had lost this. Even in my darkest despair I have found that I still have these moments and I appreciate them in a way like never before. I got so used to faking it for everyone around me that I had not been able to even realize it when it did happen for real. With that I prayed to God and thanked him for this gift.
My Creator, I know in my heart that these tears will one day give way again to joy, yet for now I know only pain. Help me to find the courage to let these tears flow, to feel the loss and heartbreak, so that I may come out whole and cleansed again. For on the other side of my sorrow I know life waits for me. I want to laugh again.
I am like two halves of a walnut, God. I am of two minds:despairing and hopeful. Help me feel your hand holding me together as I rebuild my life when at first it seemed too hard to even try. In order to get to the meat of a walnut, it must be split into halves. May the brokenness I feel get me to the nourishment-the meat-I need in order to move on. Amen.
This explains it all to the core...so many mixed emotions and knowledge that only God can help you through this.
Father, make me resilient like the sandy beach upon which the waves crash. Make me strong like the mighty willow tree that bends but does not break in the high winds. Give me the patience and wisdom to know that my suffering will one day turn to a greater understanding of your ways, your works, and your wonders.
The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11 NRSV
God let this sorrow wash over me like cleansing water. Let it rush over my rough-hewn heart and turn me into a smooth and polished stone glistening in the sun. Amen
When each heartbeat hurts and each breath aches, I pray, God, that you will take some of my blinding pain away. Lift me out of my pain, and give me peace. Amen.
Oh God, I know you will never give us a burden to bear without giving us the grace to endure it, but some burdens just seem so heavy we find ourselves wondering if they can be survived. I ask that you send an abundant amount of strength and grace to all those who suffer so. Let them feel your presence in a very real way, Lord, for without you, they have no hope. I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12 NRSV
Heavenly Father, help us examine every passing day in order to find purpose in our lives. We want our time to be worthwhile. Remind us to count all our blessings, big and small. Amen.
God I hold fast to you at this present moment, for it is the only way for me to have perspective and hope for life beyond this pain I have. And yet, come quickly for I am tired. Fill me with your strength for I feel weak. Add meaning to these days of pain, and finally call me to a new day and then I can swerve you with a renewed purpose and passion. Amen.
This short time of distress will result in God's richest blessing upon us forever and ever! So we do not look at what we can see right now, the troubles all around us, but we look forward to the joys in heaven which we have not yet seen. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 TLB
I pray that you can find something here that speaks to your heart as it did mine...it doesn't fix my problems but it helps me to endure them. As I read further I will share more of these passages that speak to my heart. Life for us has been so hard and as of late, I have just been so overwhelmed by it all and the mixed emotions I have on so many levels. As George's Heavenly birthday becomes closer, the pain that I feel for his loss becomes greater, however I have learned to laugh and smile again amidst all of this. I can feel God's calling in my heart to things and now feel the ability to do some of these things even if I don't feel I can do all of them. Lately I have been feeling the calling to have another child but I know that right now it just isn't possible however I do know we are suppose to have one more child...for what reason, I have no idea, I just know we are suppose to. I've told myself that I need to get my body back in shape and I have got to get off of some medications in order to make this happen. I'm determined to start this process so that I can fulfill God's calling in my life for this. People may think I am crazy where this is concerned but truly I tell you that God speaks to my heart and it has never been wrong when I listen to it.
I am posting a picture of the kids I took today. It was a sunny day out but where I was there was no glare at all. Later after looking at the picture for the first time, I found these sunshine hues coming through...it was the oddest thing and then I thought how it must be my little monkey visiting us. I leave you this beautiful picture and will let you see what you think.
God let this sorrow wash over me like cleansing water. Let it rush over my rough-hewn heart and turn me into a smooth and polished stone glistening in the sun. Amen
When each heartbeat hurts and each breath aches, I pray, God, that you will take some of my blinding pain away. Lift me out of my pain, and give me peace. Amen.
Oh God, I know you will never give us a burden to bear without giving us the grace to endure it, but some burdens just seem so heavy we find ourselves wondering if they can be survived. I ask that you send an abundant amount of strength and grace to all those who suffer so. Let them feel your presence in a very real way, Lord, for without you, they have no hope. I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12 NRSV
Heavenly Father, help us examine every passing day in order to find purpose in our lives. We want our time to be worthwhile. Remind us to count all our blessings, big and small. Amen.
God I hold fast to you at this present moment, for it is the only way for me to have perspective and hope for life beyond this pain I have. And yet, come quickly for I am tired. Fill me with your strength for I feel weak. Add meaning to these days of pain, and finally call me to a new day and then I can swerve you with a renewed purpose and passion. Amen.
This short time of distress will result in God's richest blessing upon us forever and ever! So we do not look at what we can see right now, the troubles all around us, but we look forward to the joys in heaven which we have not yet seen. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 TLB
I pray that you can find something here that speaks to your heart as it did mine...it doesn't fix my problems but it helps me to endure them. As I read further I will share more of these passages that speak to my heart. Life for us has been so hard and as of late, I have just been so overwhelmed by it all and the mixed emotions I have on so many levels. As George's Heavenly birthday becomes closer, the pain that I feel for his loss becomes greater, however I have learned to laugh and smile again amidst all of this. I can feel God's calling in my heart to things and now feel the ability to do some of these things even if I don't feel I can do all of them. Lately I have been feeling the calling to have another child but I know that right now it just isn't possible however I do know we are suppose to have one more child...for what reason, I have no idea, I just know we are suppose to. I've told myself that I need to get my body back in shape and I have got to get off of some medications in order to make this happen. I'm determined to start this process so that I can fulfill God's calling in my life for this. People may think I am crazy where this is concerned but truly I tell you that God speaks to my heart and it has never been wrong when I listen to it.
I am posting a picture of the kids I took today. It was a sunny day out but where I was there was no glare at all. Later after looking at the picture for the first time, I found these sunshine hues coming through...it was the oddest thing and then I thought how it must be my little monkey visiting us. I leave you this beautiful picture and will let you see what you think.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
