Happy Turkey Day!

I have not updated probably for the longest stretch of time since George died. It has been such an emotional week for me for many reasons. Tomorrow is our very first Thanksgiving for us without him here and the sad realization that he is gone just sinks in more as every minute passes. I have found myself just randomly crying with nothing triggering it other than my profound sadness that will overwhelm me randomly. I miss him so much and know that this is the top of that roller coaster ride we will now know as the holiday from now on. We are left to find some balance between living and our sadness. It sounds easier but it is no easy task.

This past Saturday my family had a shower for Gabrielle. I cannot tell you how very hard a feat this was for me to get through without falling apart while I was there. We were grateful for the fact that they wanted to do this for her but it was so hard for me, especially with Hugh working that day...he had always been there for all the ones for the boys. They also opted to ask people for gift cards and that meant I had to brave the baby isles of the stores...it was probably the fastest in and out I had ever had. The boys had a good time though and I guess that is really what it is all about. That night after the shower I came home and was just flooded by all the emotions that I had suppressed the whole day and cried for an hour off and on. I had almost lost it at the shower when Michael and Joshua insisted on sending Georgie balloons. The whole thing was very surreal and kind of felt like the whole world was in full motion and I was in slow motion as the rest of it spun around me, like you see on TV. I was grateful for all they did but it was surely no easy task.

Once we were home, Michael asked me what was wrong when he saw my teary eyes that I could no longer hide, and Josh answered without me having to say anything "she misses Georgie"..."Don't worry mommy, we miss him too." Michael just sat there rubbing my head and kissing me until his melatonin kicked in and he could not keep his eyes open any longer. I am so blessed to have these boys because they have compassion beyond belief. Hugh got home after work and I just sobbed uncontrollably for a while not know what else to do. Being happy, sad, scared, excited, and all sorts of other mixed emotions make you knot know exactly what to do and my typical response is to just cry when I have no idea what else to do. Thank God Hugh has gotten used to this sort of thing over the years and is just there for me.

We took the boys out Sunday after church and let them pick out some things for her. There are still a few gift cards we have and will put towards the cost of her mattress. I know I had said we got it however there was an issue with the computer system at Babies R Us and the company used some disclaimer to get out of the price it was listed for. They are giving me a %20 discount on the mattress itself but we will have to wait another week since it is now more than we had thought we would have to pay. Fortunately, another mom gave us a bassinet to put her in so even if we don't have the mattress we can still bring her home. I have to place the order through their 1800 number to get the discount though and they made a notation on the original order so that we can get the mattress at a later date but still get the discount.

Today we did get a travel system with the car seat and stroller in the mail that we had registered for. I don't know who purchased it for her since it did not have anyone's name listed on it but it was a nice surprise. I have to say I really like getting things that way. It was exciting and kind of like Christmas for us all even though it was a gift for the baby. The boys loved the box! It is so adorable and pink and kind of made all the chaos and sadness melt away for a little bit of time. There is still quite a bit left on the registry even with us purchasing things and the use of the gift cards but some of it is a want vs a need or something we can live without until after she is born and/or older.

There was a woman who contacted me via email who works with a non profit and did give me some things for her to help out with things too. Ironically she lost her daughter at 10 days old to a heart defect. She did not have any other children and works for this organization that helps women and children. I was so grateful to have the opportunity to email her back and forth and she understood where I was with things even though she lost her daughter over 20 years ago. It just goes to say that this pain never goes away you just have to learn to live with it.

This past week was full of holiday prep and teacher conferences for the boys. I was thankful that Hugh was home the past few days because physically I am having some issues with my legs and the veins causing severe pain when I am on them. This has been my hardest pregnancy thus far for so many reasons...we are just now adding in physical problems. I am glad we are getting to the end and can't wait to hold her. I did also talk to the new pediatrician today. She actually was closed and I left a message for them to call me back on Monday but she called me today anyway!!! After this conversation I felt so much more at ease knowing she is on board for Gabrielle and will get to the bottom of anything that may come up. It does take away some of my anxiety although I am still a little worried because of the insurance issues where I will have to juggle things around the minute she is born to ensure that this doctor can see her...I may actually not be able to follow up myself with my docs at the postpartum visit just because I need the baby switched to the new ins ASAP so she can be in the right doc office. I seriously hate insurance problems...it can never just be simple.

To compound the holiday stuff, we got a certified letter from a lawyer today saying that the bank is proceeding forward with the foreclosure on the house. We had anticipated this letter after speaking with the bankruptcy lawyer we saw a while back. Unfortunately, we have to wait to declare bankruptcy until we can prove that Hugh can make enough money to cover the mortgage. I am still fighting with unemployment and dealing with the fact that we have to still reapply for the appeal process. Should it be rectified than I will get one lump sum check which at that point in time we will sign over to the mortgage company.

Unfortunately we are currently accruing lots of interest and penalties until then and they want a little more than 10,000 by Dec 24th to just make it even right now. The lawyer will deal with all of that once Hugh has more income but with him working commission it is going to be hard to prove income. He told Hugh and I that it will take up to a year to go through the courts and finalize foreclosure so we still have some time for him to find a better full time job that will actually be steady and not cut his hours randomly or depend on commission. Ironically Hugh and I are not as upset about it all as we would have been before. It would have been nice to not get the damn letter around the holidays but I think we are just so used to our luck running this way. The lawyer had also forewarned us about the letter we would get so it came as no surprise. We have found faith and just put it in God's hands and will do all we can but not stress over what we cannot control.

We hope that the things begin to work themselves out sooner rather than later. Things are on a slow incline but not coming without many obstacles added to things that should be simple. I have a feeling that life for us is going to be this way until the spring. There is nothing but a gut feeling that makes me feel this way but my feelings are usually not wrong. We will have gotten through the holidays, Gabrielle's birth, George's one year heavenly birthday/Gabrielle's baptism, and I hope from then on things will not be as hard since we will have a better grasp on things hopefully and he will be more established and hopefully in a secure job by then. Until then we are on the roller coaster we now know as our life speeding down the track. Please keep us in your prayers this holiday season and we thank God for all of you and that we can share this ride with so many caring and understanding individuals. May God Bless you and your family. Remember the meaning of the holiday tomorrow and cherish the memories you will make for you never know if they will be your last!