I hate the way that I feel these days, especially because I have no control over it. I'm hoping that after the 29th I can finally find some sort of peace. Reliving the nightmare all over is all I can seem to do and it will come out of no where at all. Today was going fine until wham got hit hard yet again. Usually I find it happens when Hugh isn't home but this was just the anticipation of him going out today that sent me over the deep end.
His mom has been calling him this past week telling him that he needs to get a haircut and that she already made an appointment for him. Personally I like his hair longer and the way it is but he just can never tell her no. She surely means well and has a heart of gold but often times she can be demanding and want things done right away without giving much warning or takes it upon herself to do what she wants done(she has rearranged my house on numerous occasions when she didn't like where things were even though they worked for me) I love her dearly but she has admitted that she does these things on purpose and knows she will get her way because people won't be rude to her or tell her no(words from her mouth). Normally I just suck it up knowing I have to take the good with the bad and deal with it but for whatever reason, today just came and hit me like a ton of bricks.
We had to go to Michael's school for a gathering they were having since the kids had made soup and baked bread. Hugh took off so we both could go to this event and my parents watched Gabrielle for us. It went well and they made wonderful soup! We got done and went to my parents house to pick up Gabby and as soon as we walked in the door his mom called and told him he needed to come over early so he could watch his brothers wedding video with her. Being who he is, Hugh said fine and hung up the phone but looked at me knowing he had to tell me that there were yet again more unexpected plans(I've not been dealing well with anything out of the ordinary lately, kind of like I have no control over anything and right now that just isn't good for me. I know logically I shouldn't feel this way but right now logic is out the window!)
For whatever reason sitting in my parents house and these plans just sent me over the edge and I felt as if I was reliving the days leading up to George's death. My mother in law had insisted that Hugh drive her to Atlantic City the days prior to his death. It was snowing so she was not comfortable driving but had comps that she needed to use that would expire. He tried to tell her he was busy but that didn't work and he had to drive down there and drop her off and then come back only to drive down again the next day to do the same thing. That put me in a bad place since I was working and had tons of docs appts with the kids earlier that week and was already behind on hours. I was forced to try and find a way to juggle the hours so he could take her, which left me almost no time with George that week at all. I had planned things for Hugh's birthday that had to be juggled and canceled because of it and I was quite resentful at the time.
In order to help me try and finish up my hours, my parents took George for me. My mom is not a big baby person and prefers the toddler and up ages. That was huge for her but I had no choice and while Hugh went back down to pick his mom up my parents watched George. I think the boys went with Hugh for the ride but I am not 100% sure, that part is a little fuzzy to me. Once I was done my work, I remember vividly going over to pick George up from my parents house. He was sitting there with my mom and dad who were sitting in their recliners(that is exactly where they were today) and he was all smiles sitting there. My mom even said how good he was and how they had to take him a little more often. Hugh came back late that night and I was still working to make up hours I had missed so that I could spend his birthday with him the next day.
The next day I worked hard all day so we could all spend the night together for Hugh's birthday. Part of me was irate the whole time that I had to work so hard over a trip to get a comp from Trump and that my plans had been altered without me having a saying. I spent the day working with a break to make dinner, only to work again that night. There were still hours left but I had worked hard enough that I was going to be able to finish working my hours Friday by the early afternoon so that I could just finally spend time with my little family and was looking so forward to it. I was exhausted when I came up to take a shower but heard my little monkey crying as I was taking my shower.
After I got dressed I came back upstairs to find him still crying, which was not norm for him so I headed to his room. Hugh gave me a dirty look telling me he just needed to cry himself to sleep but I had missed him so much that whole week I had to go in. I picked him up and he quieted down so I brought him out to the couch to play a little bit. Hugh of course gave me a look and then said "I thought you were tired?!" With that I ignored him and just smiled and continued to spend time with my little boy. Never did I think it would be the last time I would hold him alive! He was playing with his ear(he had an ear infection that was found on his autopsy) and had a little odd behavior that made me tell Hugh,"if he is still fussy and doing this tomorrow I am taking him to the doctors." Tomorrow never came and I never finished those hours of work for the week.
These things cause flashbacks that I cannot control. It is good to know I am not alone in this and many parents who have gone through this do the same thing and have many of the same feelings. There are times I am mad at myself for not spending that time and saying the hell with the money or that I am mad that my mother in law couldn't give up that comp or that Hugh couldn't tell her no but I know in the end it was no ones fault even though there is some internal need for someone or something to blame. Having no answers at all leaves you scrounging for answers that you will just never have and I think in some ways makes it harder to find some sort of peace with all of it.
In the end I have been told by many mom's that all of these things are par the course since it falls along the same lines as post traumatic stress disorder. I try to tell myself that it is only a year and there are mom's that have had to live with this for years by no fault of their own. Somehow I need to give myself some sort of leniency and allow myself to fall apart from time to time. I hate that there is nothing I can do to fix this and that there really is no end to any of it. I get impatient and want and end to it but then again I don't. I want it to be back the way it was and I want my son back and in my arms alive not in ashes in a box. Unfortunately I can't change any of it so I have to live with it and try to give myself some sack and tell myself it is ok to feel this way and not have it together all the time.
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