Thinking About You

I have been thinking about you a lot my sweet little boy. Try as I might, I find myself thinking of you all day long and have random moments I am pulling back tears most of the time. I miss you so very much and don't know how to not feel like I am missing you all the time. I'm trying not to give myself a timeline but somehow I really thought I would have it together by now. I was so very wrong to think that I would be better at this because you meant the world to me and how are you suppose to learn to live with part of yourself missing every day of your life?

I talk to other mom's who's babies are there in heaven with you. We all ache the same ache and although we cry for different children we cry the same tears. I look at their pictures of their babies and the one resounding similarity is that we all have that one picture. It is the picture where we all had to say goodbye to our babies. The faces are different but the pain written on our faces is exactly the same. I look at their pictures and see the one that I have of daddy and I holding you.

It is all so very difficult but I know I have promised to make you proud of me. Each day I do something in your honor/memory even if nobody else knows it, I know you do. There are times it is just getting out of bed in the morning. To some people that seems stupid and easy but I know that you know how hard that can be for me to do some days. You were my world and still are but you just happen to only be a part of this world now in the hearts of those who knew and love you.

I have one favor to ask you. Please watch over your brothers and sister. Your big brother misses you so much and is having a very hard time right now. I don't know what else to do for him right now as we all struggle to find some sort of way to live in a world that keeps spinning when our world has stopped. There are so many things I can't fix for your siblings so when I can't fix it just let them know you are with them and love them even worlds away. Joshua has nightmares and just has crying spells we haven't learned to help him with them other than to hold him and assure him that it will be ok. Michael has such anxiety about people leaving and worries they won't come back. It is so hard to not be able to explain to them that we will all see you again some day and that God has a plan for us all...they just don't understand it...I don't always understand it. Your little sister will never know you until we are all in heaven again together. She had her first vaccine today and I am very worried since you, Josh, and Michael all had problems following yours. I will never know if it was what took you to heaven but I don't want to take that chance so please keep an eye on her for me and let her know your love in her heart as she grows up so that even though she never got to meet you, she knows you in her heart.

I know that there is a greater plan at work but it surely wasn't part of mine. I am not mad and have never been but am maybe very confused. How in the world and why in the world has God chosen this path for us? Somehow, things have always been hard for me and daddy. We know we are very blessed and that as long as we have one another and you guys that it will all be ok since we believe in God's plans for us but it is so hard sometimes to understand it all not knowing the full picture. I know this is where we are suppose to be right now by the feelings that God gives me in my heart. Every part of me just questions Why? I am not happy about any of the life challenges thrown our way and part of me envies those who seem to have life easier. I then try to remind myself that things always seem greener on the other side and not everyone is as blessed as we are and not everyone knows God the way we do. I am also so grateful that God has already began to call your siblings to his table so that we can all be together someday again.

I guess until that day I will just have to put my faith in God's plan and know his promise that I will be with you again. You are up there preparing a room for us and I cannot wait to see the place you have prepared for us all to share in such a wonderful place. I send you my hugs and kisses all the time, I hope that you get them and know how much I love you. Know that I think of you every day and that I am keeping the faith no matter my personal pain and I will be able to hold you again and I can't wait! Love you so much monkey.