Heartache

My heart has been aching a lot lately for my son. I miss him so much more than words can even begin to say. In all of this heartache my mind still thinks about many different things. I think of how sad I am that I cannot remember the sound of his laugh or voice and even what exactly happened each day with him. I have a general reference of things and I remember his personality but not specific things other than a few special moments I had with him that I could never actually forget but even in remembering them something is still missing since I can't remember the sound of his sweet voice. I know if I were to hear it I would know it was him, however there is no way in the world for that ever to happen again. The thought of all that just makes my heart ache with sadness as it seems memories of him slip away a little each day. The one thing that I do find solace in is that even if my mind forgets him, I know there is no way my heart ever will.

Hugh has started his tow truck job and that leaves me here at home with the kids at night a lot and that isn't always a good thing. My mind will often wander to that time over a year ago now when I would be spending time with him and I think of how he would be if he was still alive. Gabby of course fills some of the time but always makes me think of how she will never really know him. My heart breaks for her since I know how she will feel like part of her is missing since she didn't actually know him and we all did. I will be sure to tell her about him and how special he was but I am praying every single day for God's guidance with that because even though she did not meet him that doesn't mean that she won't miss not knowing him and I think it could carry a different type of heartache for her.

I have been thinking alot about the song I will praise you in the storm that is posted below. The saying is so true. I thought that by now God would have found a way to fix things and somehow it doesn't seem that way, things seem to keep happening to us. I get so frustrated and angry sometimes that bad stuff has to happen to good people. There have been so many people in our lives who have done some seriously devastating things and somehow it seems as if life is easier for them. I watch as people kill their babies while others can't have any. Somehow I find it difficult to watch the news anymore as I see so much injustice and how unfair the world can really be. I keep asking when will it get any easier, knowing in my heart that it won't and the feelings of upset come back again. I really don't understand any of it to be honest but I keep telling myself that God has a greater plan than I will ever know.

That all being said, I also know I am truly blessed and have been given so much. I thank God every single night and day for the gifts he has given me. I also know that even though things sometimes seem better for someone else that may not really be the case...the proverbial grass looks greener on the other side sort of thing. In the end the one thing I am so grateful for is that God called my name to sit at his table. That sort of gift is a gift like no other and it means that I will one day again be able to see my son. Easter is right around the corner and I always think about the path that he walked and what he gave for us all. On top of that I connect with Mary and how she must have felt knowing her son would die and although it was for the greater good, I am sure it was no easy task to sit by and watch it all unfold. I know what it is like to watch your son die before your eyes and having no control over any of it but knowing he was being called home. The pain does not become any less but it does somehow make you appreciate the cross in a different manner than ever before.

So many times we often forget that Jesus was much like us other than the fact he was God's only son. He did not live in a palace or even a large home, he was rather a salt of the earth person. He knew what it was like to walk this earth with a heavy burden and yet still know God's plan for him. I feel we forget sometimes that doing God's will is not always easy and may ask us to do things that require every single ounce of energy that we have in our being. We are not called to these tasks because we want to do them but because God has called us to his table and given us the promise of everlasting life. The rains may come and things may feel like they are coming in to sweep you away however God will not leave us and that is such a great feeling. We may not see in ourselves what he sees in us and we can be called to do scary and difficult things that we never thought we would be able to do. Alone, we cannot do them but with God's guidance and love anything is truly possible.

The one thing we cannot avoid is the human instincts within each of us. No matter what we do there is always that part of us that feels the same as those who do not have faith. There happen to be doubts, sadness, anger, frustration, and a whole host of other feelings. Jesus exemplified this by saying he didn't want to die and also by asking why God had forsaken him. He didn't get it either and although he knew he was called to a higher purpose that did not even make him exempt from human emotions. I am sure he felt just like everyone of us has felt during his time here on Earth. For that very reason, I feel a deep connection with him and know how great a sacrifice it was that he gave.

I will continue to praise him even though my heart aches and is forever missing part of it. For the rest of my life I will feel this way although it may change as time goes on. Right now I need to focus on things in our immediate future since I know that there may not be a tomorrow for any of us. I've promised myself to really work this lent season to bring myself closer to God and also to work with the boys on knowing him in a special way. In trying to do that I am going to get a calendar or journal for our family and I want to try and have each of us write down each day on it something we are thankful for or something that was good that happened to us during the day. It will hopefully keep things in perspective for each of us, that even though bad things happen, good things do too. It will become our memories/thankfulness calendar/journal. I want us to focus more on the fact that even though the rain may be pouring, there are always rays of hope and moments of sunshine breaking through the clouds or even just a brief pause/let up in the rain falling. The heartache and trials are never ending but there is always something that makes all of it bearable in one way or another. Please keep us in your prayers!