The last few days I had such a hard time just getting through the days. Looking at all that has transpired in my life over the past ten years really began to get to me. It has been one difficult obstacle after another with very little time in between to even catch my breath. The very thought of it all just became so overwhelming. I was so distraught over it all and what is currently happening to our family. It always feels like I am having to overcome another huge obstacle and it just requires so much energy both emotionally and physically.
Often times I will ask God what he is thinking and how in the world am I suppose to keep pushing through these things. I don't want to have to be strong and I am tired of having to do it over and over again. So many people try to justify all the stuff or tell you that there is someone else out there in worse shape but that doesn't matter in those moments you feel so overwhelmed. People will tell you to call if you need anything but there is no way I am going to do that and somehow it just kind of lets others put it all back into our court giving us more responsibility. We are so busy that trying to find the time to make a phone call or even just catch our breath sometimes that it really isn't something we will do and I am sure most of you know it. There are even times we just don't even know what we need. Other times we ask for help and people just assume others are taking care of it and in the end it winds up just being us yet again(something we found when we did Joshua's wish) People today get so wrapped up in our own lives that we don't do things for others in the capacity that we would...sometimes it is easier to do for a stranger rather than someone we know. I too am guilty of that no matter how hard I try not to be.
All of this moving and taking care of the kids along with getting the things taken care of at my parents and here just becomes so overwhelming especially if you add in the emotional part of it all. I was really feeling the toll of it all and it took all I had to even just get up in the morning to do anything. There is such a huge list of things I have to do with no idea when it all has to be done by. Hugh and my dad have been working diligently in the basement at my parents house in between work and everything, it is like it was when we initially bought our house. You would get random people drop in but it all rested on these two men to finish it all. The other day we did get my sister and cousin to take the kids and it was such a blessing to have one day to not worry about little helpers and a fussy baby that had lots of needs.
Last night, among all of it, I was washed over with God's grace and understanding once again. I worked hard on painting my parents living room(we found mold on the one wall that needed to be taken care of before we moved in.) Half of it is now finished but I stopped for a while and took the time to just spend some time with the kids. I sat on the step of the deck last night and watched Joshua and Michael chase fireflies and play with one another while holding Gabrielle in my lap. For whatever reason, the song Blessings by Laura Story just came to mind and I started singing it without realizing it. Once I wrapped my head around what I was doing, I realized that God was speaking to my heart in those moments. It made me once again realize what it is all REALLY about!
Among all these life storms, I have never truly been alone. Although there are so many that judge us there are those who truly know us and our hearts and have always been there. Those are the same people who have done for us without us having to ask. I don't have to call these people on the phone and say I need help, they just do it or at least have their hearts in the right place and try, which is something I appreciate more than words could ever say. They are the few selfless people that we have been blessed to have in our lives and I thank God for them because I can't imagine where I would be without them.
Watching my children and holding my little angel in my arms just made me so grateful for all I have, not for what I don't. Our house is just an object and could never replace the gifts that God has blessed us with time and time again. His grace is so amazing to me and often times I realize that people in general(myself included) forget that in moments where it seems as if the whole world is against you and ready to swallow you whole. I've watched my life fall apart before my eyes and yet I have survived and I know that is only due to God's grace and all the blessings he has given me. Somehow, even just a simple hug or smile can actually wipe out all the bad stuff happening and that is so amazing to me.
Yes it is sad we are walking away from the house we built but nothing can ever take from the home we have created in our hearts...that will always go with us no matter where we are in life. I know in my heart that this is where we are suppose to be and I know that there is a much greater purpose even though I don't know all the details. I never used to understand this sort of faith but am so grateful for it now. This is the sort of faith where you let go rather than hold on with both hands. It is where you just put it all in God's hands and trust in him to do his will even though every single part of you is screaming otherwise. This was not even something easy that came to Jesus who asked God to change his mind but said that it was not up to him but rather God and that no matter what he wanted for himself, it was God's will, not his.
I have always had a special place in my heart for a particular bible quote. Psalm 23 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." In the darkest hours of life this is what I try to keep in mind, knowing that even if I cannot see a way through that God can. You can take this literally or you can interpret it in another way and I happen to do both. To me the valley of the shadow of death is the walk here on Earth. It is dark and difficult to do but God is with us through it all, walking us to eternal life. I've also walked this psalm literally when George died and still do every single day since I will never stop feeling his loss.
No matter where life takes us or what happens, I know we are together and that God is walking with each of us. Even with all that I have lost and been through, I have been blessed. These blessings are truly the light that shine through the storms of life and keep my pressing forward.
Thank you lord for all the blessings of this life and walking me through the hard things. I thank you for the gift of my husband, children, family, and friends. Your grace shines through them in the storms of life and without them I would be lost in this world.
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