Sunday was George's 3rd Birthday. It was such a hard day for me...probably the worst birthday since he died. I kept going back to the day he was born and could not get those images out of my head. The pain was so real and so deep in my heart that tears just rolled down my face throughout the day. We shouldn't be doing this...going to his grave and having cake without him here.
I had to sit back and think about why it was so hard this time around. Afer some contemplation, I realized it was because less and less people recognize it and celebrate it with us. Our confirmation was that morning but we invited people back to the house to have cake with us and very few people showed up. The only three people that were here, besides my parents and our little family, were my mother in law, sister Tara, and niece Talia. No one else came. We did have a few people send a card but most of them were strangers to our family. My one friend did send us an edible arrangement because she had the shingles. All in all, I have never felt more alone and my heart hurt more than ever but at least I know now why...Hugh and I have tried not to be disappointed in others but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother us at all.
We have asked people to do a good deed in George's memory and I don't even know if anyone did or did not. I had asked people to leave a message on his page or on our facebook event page but no luck and yet more disappointment. It hurts enough to know you are celebrating the life of a dead baby but to think that people couldn't find a way to come and support us on such a horrible day. From now on I think I am not going to invite others and just opt to do something with our little family because the let down feeling is so hard to cope with. Even with our confirmation, only a few people showed up to the church for that too. It was very important for us all and I am glad we did it and knew we at least had people there from our church family and also also my mom, my uncle, Richard's father/father's wife, and Barbara(a woman we met through one of Joshua's fundraisers) Richard's big brother from grief camp had wanted to come but I didn't get his email asking for our address until Monday. My Aunt Cathy did email me.
My brother said to me "I figured it wouldn't be bad since you have already done it twice before." That very question was what made me really think about why it was harder and when I realized it was the total lack of support that we felt this time around. I also could not get the thoughts of how three years ago he was alive and I got to meet him for the first time. I'm hoping that this season of grief isn't as bad as last year because I thought last year was worse than the year before and the way this season is going, I am praying that it only get better from here not worse.
I've found myself throwing my pain into cleaning and things like that to keep busy instead of being sad. At the end of the day it doesn't really help but it does make it so I can get through the days at least. My next big goal is to begin work on myself inside and out. If Hugh and I want one more baby than I want to be in the best shape all the way around. I know it seems odd to even be talking about that but we both want our last child in the next two years. I've gained quite a bit of weight because of medications I've taken and now it is time to get rid of that part of it. Part of my feelings will hopefully be worked through during that time because I want to work on my mind and body.
Please pray for strength and understanding on our part...we want to not feel let down by other people. It is just so hard to watch as no one shows up for things that are special to us and yet they show up for things others in our family do. Often it feels like a slap in the face. When we went to the rainbows program, the people there couldn't believe this sort of thing but I told them that in general that this is my life. I am there for others and yet when I need it the most I am often let down and sometimes that hurts even more than anything. You would think that since this has been pretty much my whole life, I would be used to this by now but I just am not. As we move forward, I pray for myself and my own feelings of inadequacy that comes with this sort of thing and the strength to look beyond all of this and to work on myself as a whole person. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I'm not sure how much I will be updating the next few weeks since it is so much harder right now to sit down and write.
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