Missing you so much...had a hard day today...on the way to taking Joshua to the doctors, an ambulance drove by with is lights and sirens on. Just hearing them brought me back to the morning you left...it hurts so bad today. I was fine only to find myself with tears running down my face and trying to keep it together at the doctors office. That siren just kept blaring in my mind and the events of that morning just came flooding back yet again.
No one will ever really know what that does to me. Daddy yelled the other day and it was just like that morning when he screamed for me after he found you. My god this is nothing anyone should have to bare in their lives. You weren't suppose to die. I wasn't suppose to live my life like this. Every day I try to do what people want me to do and live life as best I can but living without you is like having to live without air. I'm told to look at the brighter side of things and be happy for the things I do have and I really want to but it doesn't work that way and being told that only makes all of it so much worse. I'll have my moments and should just be allowed them...God will get me through it even if it is during some moments by just helping me to breath and put one step in front of another.
Tonight I went to get Josh a milkshake since he has strep throat and the guy at the window told me how I have beautiful blue eyes. I thanked him but could not think past how this boy had no idea what these eyes have seen and how they have really lost the happiness that used to be there. Never again will they shine with joy like it used to be, true joy without pain. You had those same blue eyes that God blessed me with and all I kept thinking was how beautiful they were and how much I missed seeing them. I see them in pictures but they are not the same...I miss seeing that love and connection that we had with one another that no one else did or knew. It was funny because I remember having you in my belly wondering if you would have mine or daddy's eyes. All those moments are gone.
I think with all the other things and having to drive past the house all the time now since the RV is parked in the driveway, I just die all over again. We used to park in the driveway so it didn't matter what way we came down the road but now it does. I'd be lying if I said when I got in the van or coming home, I don't try to find another way to not have to go past our old house where I felt your presence...it's like you are in arms reach but just ripped way each time I drive past. Today I looked at your garden and just cried...it was so overgrown and resembled nothing like it used to when we took care of it and tended it.
I had to leave so much behind but that is one of the hardest...especially the boulders that no one would go get for me. After we found out Gabby was going to be part of our family, we bought one for each of us to put in your garden. I asked over and over again for daddy and poppy to get them but they told me they couldn't. We got them back there but no one could bring them back...just another sad thing that breaks my heart when I think of it. In the end I was really the only person they mattered to and there was a lot of meaning behind them to me. I know you knew...I'd sit on one next to your plaque and talk to you or just spend quiet time there trying to just make it through another day.
It seems just as I have it together something happens and I am back ten steps just praying that God will get me through because I know I can't do it. Never do I feel more alone than the moments where I miss you the most. I don't know how they say that it gets easier because for me it has just gotten harder. I'm not sure if all the other stuff like loosing our house and generally crappy life circumstances adds to it but I keep waiting for a time when it doesn't have to be so hard and we don't have so many challenges. I know you are with me in my heart but it is nothing like when I had you in my arms...they feel so empty when I miss you. I know that heaven is great and I am so glad you are there but I want you here and I'd be lying if I said anything different. Besides your daddy, you are the love of my life...just in a different way...our connection was so unique and I was the center of your world...you left this world knowing your mothers love...something that was never changed because you never got to grow up. I know you understand even if no one else does. If only I could hug and kiss you right now!!! For now I will just go as tears run down my face and yet again I pray to God to help me through all of this.
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