Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tired
I am really at the point where I am just tired. When I say that I mean in every single sense of the word, physically and emotionally. Today for some reason I found myself just trudging through the day with nothing but my little monkey on my mind. There really is no particular reason other than the fact that I miss him more than words could ever express. Several times as I drove to and from doctors offices I found myself cry and recounting the day he left and the night before when I was playing with him.
At the ATU I sat there waiting for my appt to start and they were quite behind. I always bring a book and I have been reading one written by a father who lost his son. It is always interesting to read a man's perspective and I thought that it would help me to maybe understand Hugh and his grief a little better. In the book, he recounted a dream he had about his son weeks after he passed away. He explained how very vivid this dream was and how he knew it was God given. I knew exactly what he was talking about since I had one exactly the same a while after George passed away.
To this day it is one of the most profound dreams I have ever had. It was God giving me a my last good bye with my son. I held him and yet I knew he was gone. He cuddled up with me for my last moment with him and had his say good bye. God was with us and was letting me know he was ok and that he was at peace in heaven. It was different than any other dream in my life...I woke up knowing it was God's way of letting me say goodbye and to know he really was ok and in heaven(I've always had a hang up since he was not baptized). People can think I am crazy but anyone who has ever had a dream like that can tell you how much of an impact that makes on your life and how it stays with you forever.
That dream kept running through my mind today over and over again. What I would not give for that moment back to hold him again. In that moment nothing else mattered and although I knew he was gone he was mine for those moments. I knew I would have to let him go and that I had a job to still do no matter how hard it was for me to get up every morning and live my life without him in it. The moment I woke up it was so very bitter sweet. I was so thankful for that dream and yet the reality of my new life was so painful, I just wanted to go back to sleep.
On days like this where I feel like I can barely breath and getting from moment to moment is just a challenge, I have come to rely on God with everything in me. I cannot do this alone, my heart is breaking and I am to tired to keep going. These are the days you wish you could just have a vacation from life. Never did I understand why people would say that an older person was just to tired to live. Now having been through what I have and knowing how exhausting living a difficult life really is, I understand the true meaning of peace given by death. It has given me a new found respect for those who just want to be "done" something I could never fathom before this. I seriously thought they were out of their mind, why would you want to die? Now I think it is rather the peace of no longer being tired and knowing the promise that God gives us for eternal life of joy with those we love...no more pain or sorrow...what an awesome gift!
I've been reading a lot of passages in the bible and each of them speaks to me differently now then they ever did before. The books I have been reading are very moving and definitely give new meaning to His word. Ever day I am looking for answers and comfort in ways I never thought I would. There are certain songs that speak to my heart and particular passages. For the rest of the night I am going to just try and relax a little and although I know tears will grace my cheeks most of the night I know that I am not alone and that I will make it through this one step at a time.
At the ATU I sat there waiting for my appt to start and they were quite behind. I always bring a book and I have been reading one written by a father who lost his son. It is always interesting to read a man's perspective and I thought that it would help me to maybe understand Hugh and his grief a little better. In the book, he recounted a dream he had about his son weeks after he passed away. He explained how very vivid this dream was and how he knew it was God given. I knew exactly what he was talking about since I had one exactly the same a while after George passed away.
To this day it is one of the most profound dreams I have ever had. It was God giving me a my last good bye with my son. I held him and yet I knew he was gone. He cuddled up with me for my last moment with him and had his say good bye. God was with us and was letting me know he was ok and that he was at peace in heaven. It was different than any other dream in my life...I woke up knowing it was God's way of letting me say goodbye and to know he really was ok and in heaven(I've always had a hang up since he was not baptized). People can think I am crazy but anyone who has ever had a dream like that can tell you how much of an impact that makes on your life and how it stays with you forever.
That dream kept running through my mind today over and over again. What I would not give for that moment back to hold him again. In that moment nothing else mattered and although I knew he was gone he was mine for those moments. I knew I would have to let him go and that I had a job to still do no matter how hard it was for me to get up every morning and live my life without him in it. The moment I woke up it was so very bitter sweet. I was so thankful for that dream and yet the reality of my new life was so painful, I just wanted to go back to sleep.
On days like this where I feel like I can barely breath and getting from moment to moment is just a challenge, I have come to rely on God with everything in me. I cannot do this alone, my heart is breaking and I am to tired to keep going. These are the days you wish you could just have a vacation from life. Never did I understand why people would say that an older person was just to tired to live. Now having been through what I have and knowing how exhausting living a difficult life really is, I understand the true meaning of peace given by death. It has given me a new found respect for those who just want to be "done" something I could never fathom before this. I seriously thought they were out of their mind, why would you want to die? Now I think it is rather the peace of no longer being tired and knowing the promise that God gives us for eternal life of joy with those we love...no more pain or sorrow...what an awesome gift!
I've been reading a lot of passages in the bible and each of them speaks to me differently now then they ever did before. The books I have been reading are very moving and definitely give new meaning to His word. Ever day I am looking for answers and comfort in ways I never thought I would. There are certain songs that speak to my heart and particular passages. For the rest of the night I am going to just try and relax a little and although I know tears will grace my cheeks most of the night I know that I am not alone and that I will make it through this one step at a time.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Miss This Face
I miss his smile and this little face more than words can say. There is not a day that goes by where I don't feel the stabbing pain of loosing him. I still cannot look at his pictures and find the joy in them that I used to. Looking at them makes me cry now. I wish that I could look at them and smile like I used to but now they are the sad reminder of what I no longer have. There will be no more with him in it and this is all I have left of my son besides the love that I carry for him every single day and the pain that was left in the wake of his death. I pray that there will come a day when I can look at these without tears.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Wishing
Wishing I could wave a wand or say a special prayer and it would all be ok and you would be here!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Thinking of You
Thought of you the whole trip to GA and back. God I miss you so much...my heart just breaks every single day you are not with me. I wish there was something I could have done to save you or that God would have changed his mind and given you back to me. It just hurts so bad to not have you with us. I love you more than you will ever know.
Monday, August 9, 2010
11 Month Birthday
Happy Birthday little monkey! You would have been 11 months old today. That very thought comes with so many mixed emotions. I am thinking of you today and everyday and my heart aches that you are not with us here getting ready to turn one and getting into everything. I know God had big plans for you but that does not stop the pain I will forever feel. Another mommy and I were chatting online last night and watching a prayer service together that was just so moving. The minister had lost his soon too and expressed so many of our emotions and the true knowledge of our pain. He was in a stadium talking to thousands of people and yet I felt as if he was only talking to me. Thoughts of you will weigh heavy on my mind today as I pack to head to GA for our visit with a Mito specialist there. Please watch over us and know how very much we miss and love you with all our hearts.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Days Ahead
Tuesday we leave for GA to meet with Dr. Kendall, a Mito specialist. This past week has been nothing but full on emotions and stress. The trustee for Joshua's trust was very hard for us to get a hold of, he is in Guam. We needed to have the money up front since we just don't have it right now to pay first and than get reimbursed. I was suppose to be on unemployment but have been denied thus far but am appealing it. They have said I voluntarily left my job but that is not the case since I am not eligible for employment if I cannot meet the companies standards, which I cannot do right now so I was let go and put on an inactive status. Due to the circumstances the company listed me as eligible for rehire but I would still have to meet their 40 hr/wk min and 95% accuracy rate which is impossible for me right now.
That being said we have paid minimums on most bills and just have not had the money for the mortgage for July or August thus far. I am hoping my appeal goes through though and than things will be ok...it just can never go smoothly without drama for us. Sometimes I sit there and ask God why in the world this stuff happens to us. Can it ever be uncomplicated? It always works out in the end and if I have to go back and work 4 weeks and than get myself fired for poor job performance I can then collect(how stupid is that?!?!) Of course I was freaking out when I got the letter Sat and then again when we had not heard back from the trustee. Thankfully I got the email today telling us he sent us a check on Friday. I'm just praying that we will not have trouble cashing because if we deposit it into our bank account it will take 5 business days to clear and that will be a huge problem!!! I'm taking a deep breath and leaving it in God's hands because I can't change any of this right now and worrying isn't good for me or Gabrielle.
The boys have had a lot of fun since they found out they are having a sister. Joshua has been the most affectionate little boy hugging her, tickling her, and talking to her. Yesterday I just about lost it though. He looked at me with all seriousness and said "Mommy, I don't want this baby to go to heaven like Georgie did. Can you tell God that I love her and want her to stay this time?" I had no idea what to say and nothing could stop the tears from running down my face as I saw the pain in his eyes from the loss of his little brother. Each of the boys have had their difficult moments lately.
Hugh had a hard day today. No rhyme or reason to it, just had a rough day with the loss of his dad, the state his relationship is in with his mother, and the loss of George. Several times you could look at him to see him holding back tears. Other times he was hugging the boys or talking to my belly. He does go for another counseling session tomorrow before we leave. I'm kind of glad for his sake.
Tomorrow my little boy would have been 11 months old. It is so sad to me and just breaks my heart to watch other children born around this time too, getting ready for or having their first birthday parties. Pictures of them make me want to cry. I should be planning his party and he should be here but I'm not and he isn't. I remember being pregnant with him a year ago and was so excited, waiting for him to come. Instead of getting ready and being happy, I am really dreading next month and the sadness that it brings to our hearts not having him here with us on his birthday. We of course have plans to make it a weekend where we celebrate his life but mixed in there will still be a sadness that we cannot explain.
Please keep us all in your prayers as we face these hurdles/stress in our lives and travel to GA in the next few days.
That being said we have paid minimums on most bills and just have not had the money for the mortgage for July or August thus far. I am hoping my appeal goes through though and than things will be ok...it just can never go smoothly without drama for us. Sometimes I sit there and ask God why in the world this stuff happens to us. Can it ever be uncomplicated? It always works out in the end and if I have to go back and work 4 weeks and than get myself fired for poor job performance I can then collect(how stupid is that?!?!) Of course I was freaking out when I got the letter Sat and then again when we had not heard back from the trustee. Thankfully I got the email today telling us he sent us a check on Friday. I'm just praying that we will not have trouble cashing because if we deposit it into our bank account it will take 5 business days to clear and that will be a huge problem!!! I'm taking a deep breath and leaving it in God's hands because I can't change any of this right now and worrying isn't good for me or Gabrielle.
The boys have had a lot of fun since they found out they are having a sister. Joshua has been the most affectionate little boy hugging her, tickling her, and talking to her. Yesterday I just about lost it though. He looked at me with all seriousness and said "Mommy, I don't want this baby to go to heaven like Georgie did. Can you tell God that I love her and want her to stay this time?" I had no idea what to say and nothing could stop the tears from running down my face as I saw the pain in his eyes from the loss of his little brother. Each of the boys have had their difficult moments lately.
Hugh had a hard day today. No rhyme or reason to it, just had a rough day with the loss of his dad, the state his relationship is in with his mother, and the loss of George. Several times you could look at him to see him holding back tears. Other times he was hugging the boys or talking to my belly. He does go for another counseling session tomorrow before we leave. I'm kind of glad for his sake.
Tomorrow my little boy would have been 11 months old. It is so sad to me and just breaks my heart to watch other children born around this time too, getting ready for or having their first birthday parties. Pictures of them make me want to cry. I should be planning his party and he should be here but I'm not and he isn't. I remember being pregnant with him a year ago and was so excited, waiting for him to come. Instead of getting ready and being happy, I am really dreading next month and the sadness that it brings to our hearts not having him here with us on his birthday. We of course have plans to make it a weekend where we celebrate his life but mixed in there will still be a sadness that we cannot explain.
Please keep us all in your prayers as we face these hurdles/stress in our lives and travel to GA in the next few days.
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
