The Brave Little Soul

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) By the Dixie Chicks with lyrics

Hard Days

The past few days have been very difficult days for me. I could not even bring myself to write. By the end of the day I was just so exhausted in so many ways. It has been so hard to see Gabrielle outlive her brother and surpass him in so many ways. This was truly something I never thought that I would feel and have been taken back so much by it all. Don't get me wrong, I am happy she is doing this and thank God every single day for each day I have with her.

Sunday, was the day she became as old as George was the day he died. Ironically, it was also my nieces baptism and I found some irony as I sat there in the church watching her being baptized and holding my daughter knowing at her age I was holding her brother in my arms lifeless as a stranger baptized his body. My niece is also born just a few days after George was a year later so watching her often times is like knowing what I missed with him. My biggest regret was not having him baptized before he died and that I had planned to do it in the spring but he just never made it. Part of me felt like it was some cruel joke that God was playing on me even though I was so happy for my sister and my niece. I HATE all these damn mixed emotions and how unpredictable they are. It took everything I had to just not loose it. Gabrielle was fussy so Hugh had taken her to the back since I was asked to read during the service. In some deep part of me I was so thankful that Hugh had her because I don't really know if I would have been able to handle it. He doesn't think deeply into things like I do so these subtle things are things he often times doesn't dwell on like I do.

The service ended and family and friends gathered to celebrate my niece becoming a child of God. All of it just seemed so surreal to me for some strange reason. It was another one of those moments where the world around me kept spinning and in my mind I was in slow motion. I had to gather myself so that I did not interrupt things so I walked to the far side of the church where there was a kneeler and candles. By that point I had Gabrielle back in my arms and I just felt sudden rush of mixed emotions as I knelt down and just prayed to God. I thanked him for the gifts of my children and asked him for the strength to carry on each day without my son here. My heart was so broken and I just felt so very lost inside of my own head although I have become great at the pretend face. For a few moments I was there taking it in and gathering myself as I held my little girl begging God to keep her safe and all my other children safe telling him that I could not do this ever again and just begging for his mercy where that was concerned and how I didn't want anyone I love or know to ever have to live this sort of pain.

We left the party after early since it was way to much for the kids and Gabrielle since it was at a restaurant. Tears streamed silently from my eyes on the way home. Hugh and I went home where we spent time with Michael and Gabrielle and got them all ready for bed once Josh and Richard returned home(they stayed with my mom at the party). Once all the boys were in bed Hugh and I sat on the floor with Gabrielle talking about George and crying and remembering our sweet little monkey. Among all the pain and sadness we were feeling right there in those moments, Gabrielle finally rolled over!!!

At that moment we were so excited among all that pain. Those are the moments you really know that God is present and heard my prayers. This is a huge milestone for me to have the kids meet. Joshua did not meet that milestone until he was 10 months old and at the same age that George was when he died, Joshua had his first seizure. Michael had no trouble meeting that milestone and in some weird way when George rolled over when he was suppose to I had some false sense of security. I was so caught off guard when he died a few short weeks after he rolled over for the first time. Gabrielle was starting to scare me and make me hold my breath since she didn't roll yet even though I knew she was capable of it but just put her head down and cried herself to sleep whenever she did tummy time. I was so worried about her especially when that day came up and she still hadn't rolled. That small little milestone made me realize that even though I don't have it all together sometimes that God does so it is ok when I don't. It is such a hard thing to let yourself do when you are a perfectionist and a person who tries to keep it all together all the time.

There is another mom who's son's story was very much like George's but he happened to be fortunate enough to be put on a monitor and is still alive. His heart did stop but because they were prepared he is alive today but docs told her it would have been considered SIDS had he actually died. We have found this friendship with one another. I had posted on facebook a while ago about how much my arms ache to hold my son again. She happens to sew and offered to sew me a monkey and weight it down with sand to be the weight he was when he died. At first I was kind of hesitant but then I thought about it and it will be so wonderful to have the monkey to hold on days like I had Sunday. He is complete and she is mailing him out. Ironically George weighed 13lbs 13ozs when he died...what an odd combination of numbers especially since he was born 09/09/09. I'm going to post a picture of my George that is making his way to my arms and comfort me when I cannot hold my son and have a heavy heart.

Yesterday and today were not as bad as Sunday of course but every single time I look at Gabrielle all I can think is how she outlived him. Everything from now on is new and I have nothing to compare it to. That is good but also weighs down my heart thinking of all the things he never had a chance to do in life. Many mom's happen to do this so I know I am not alone in this but I do have to say it seems like a very lonely thing when you are going through it. Please keep me in your prayers always and also my family since we all have our moments at different times and always will. Grief never goes away, it just changes with time. Counseling can't take away normal feelings and I keep this page just so that people realize this and know that this is a lifelong thing and it never goes away. I hope that someone else will benefit from this because I know how hard it has been for me since many people feel so inadequate to deal with a situation like this so they avoid it all together.

If you know someone who has lost a core member of their family...child, sibling, mother, father, etc. Reach out to them every now and then especially on days like Mother's Day or Father's Day or just any day of the week. Do not judge them for you don't know what it is like to walk in their shoes. They are shoes they cannot take off and are a size too small so keep that in mind as you think they should have moved on with life. Instead of suggesting counseling give them a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear often times that helps them more than any amount of counseling ever will. Share their memories of their loved one even years later. Remember tears are not always bad and often times God's gift to us and help us to heal. Just love them for who they are not who you think they should be. To those of you walking this path, my heart goes out to you and I walk hand in hand with you and hope you find comfort knowing that you are not alone, especially on the "hard days"

Missing

Big Day-143 days old

Tomorrow is a big day for us. Gabrielle will be the same age that George was when he died and Josh was when he had his seizure. It brings much anxiety with it! Gabby is on her monitor and Hugh and I are both on edge but trying not to really think of it too much. They were all 143 days old when they had their issues. I had told myself I wasn't going to count the days but I had to know. It will be a good and sad day all at the same time. How hard it is to think that Gabrielle will surpass her brother's age is just so overwhelming. I never really thought it would be a big milestone but it really is deep in my heart. It brings so many emotions with it. We will be spending the day with my family since my niece Mallory is going to be baptized tomorrow. Today he was on my mind quite a bit since we were at the park with the kids. He never got to go there and today I sat with the kids under a tree to get our picture taken with me and the kids only to just feel as if part of me was missing. I looked at the pictures and you could just see it in my eyes that I was missing him. After some thought I realized that he is always there even if he isn't really physically there because he was there in all our hearts. The kids always say how much they love and miss him and I know how much I do so he was there in our hearts even if he was not in the pictures. Every single part of me misses him every single day. Please pray for us and that there are no major events tomorrow with Gabrielle or any of the kids for that matter and that we can just enjoy the day as we celebrate my niece becoming a child of God.

Carrie Underwood w/ Vince Gill How Great thou Art - Standing Ovation!

Happy Easter!

We never got to celebrate Easter with our little monkey. This is such a sad time for me because there are many reminders of things we never got to do with him and yet I am happy and trying to keep it together for everyone else and myself. Things here have been way beyond chaotic and I can't even begin to explain it all. My poor body and brain are just shot right now to the point I don't want to do anything! Yesterday of all days was so crazy that I am still trying to wrap my head around all that happened. I will go into detail more possibly tomorrow after the boys doctors visit or maybe Tuesday. I am just asking for prayers to help me going and continue moving forward even if it is only a moment by moment thing right now. I am asking God to carry me now through this rough patch...he always does...I am so thankful for his love and sacrifice and that Easter exists.