We created this magnet in Memory of George!!!
The Car Magnet 20 x 12 I designed on CafePress.com
Friday, September 21, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Am Blessed!!!
If I am honest with all of you and myself, this past year has been a year full of me fumbling through the grief process. I've been praying a lot coming up to George's birthday knowing we are coming up to what I call our season of grief. Deep in my soul, I know this past year was not how I wanted to handle it all for so many reasons. This process of grief is not easy and it comes with so many ups and downs and trials and errors along the way as we try to find a way to live this new life we have been given. Life is not what I wanted for myself and my family and I have not found it fair and where George was concerned, I felt cheated.
Until recently, I didn't realize that I was so angry with God and all the trials he has given us. We are good people who would give the shirt off our backs or our very last penny to a person in need. Growing up, I thought that being good was all it took to not have bad stuff happen and even a small part of me wants to believe that now. The thing is that God didn't promise that and so often he is using the trials for his own glory. I was angry that he did not save us from this pain and suffering...I've done what he has asked of me and been "good" and yet I hurt more the day he died.
The pain I talk about is such a deep rooted pain, down to the very core of my being. There were days I had wished I could have just curled up and died. I would lie in bed and just beg God to take the pain away and to help me through this to make it so I am able to find a way to glorify God through all of this because otherwise there is no purpose to all we are going through. It took me so long to want to do that through George's death but all along I have been trying to do that through the fundraisers, donations, random acts of kindness, and other things we have tried to do in George's memory. What I was really asking God was to allow me to do this not only on special days but every single day of my life.
I have come to realize that I can't wait for God to do this or help me do this for that matter but rather I know I need to take each day and live it for not only George but myself and my family included. George needs to live on through me and all that I do...I know he has but now I cannot count on others to help me through this because they can't. So often we have felt alone in this journey because so often when we did fundraisers or had a special thing in his memory not many people would respond or help us with it and so many times it came down to begging. His birthday really made this apparent to me when we asked people to tell us how George changed their lives or to even donate items for our stocking project and there were only a handful of people who did. This past week my niece had her 2nd birthday and I sat there thinking of how many friends and people my sister and her husband have in their lives as we went to my nieces second party and saw the gifts that where piled under the table from the day before. A part of me was jealous of this sort of love and support they had because so often I feel like we don't even have that when we are trying to do something good like our stocking project.
People so often misjudge us, not knowing our whole story, rather than embracing us for who we are all the way down to the worst part of who we are. Last night as Hugh and I discussed this, I said the same thing and as it came out of my mouth, I realized there is no one that will be able to ever do that except God. I spend my life worrying if I am doing things right or wrong by everyone elses standards worrying what they will think but not ever listening to that voice/gut feeling I know is God calling me to allow him to live through me and I live for him. He knows our story and loves us for our worst flaws and things that we do that are "good" will find a way of coming to fruition because he has placed them on my heart and I will do what I am called to no matter how much support there is and I will cherish those who do support us and love us no matter the number. This is hard for me but I have really prayed about it and plan to work on this part of myself. I know I have to just put my faith in God and do what he wants me to do rather than what I think others want or even what I want. My life is so far from what I wanted for myself and yet I would not change any of it because it made me who I am today and no matter what anyone thinks, I know I can stand before God today and be proud of who I am and what I have done.
I've come to find that the harder I try to listen to God the more opportunities I have had to be called to show love and support to someone else. Without George's death, I would not know how to connect with those who have had a significant loss in their lives and I know first hand how hard it is to find support and love because no one understands unless they have walked this path. We all grieve differently, myself included and there is no where for judgement from those who have not walked this path...we have a RIGHT to grieve how we need to...there is no map or directions on how to survive your child dying. This past year was not how I wanted to live but it has also taught me how NOT to live this new life. I needed this year of feeling lost because without it, I would not know what it is like to be found. Never will I be the same person I was before and at one point I yearned for that but now I am learning how to embrace the new me and the new life we lead. It isn't easy but I have to trust that God will provide what we NEED not what we want. God is using all of these trials to glorify him and also to show me he is here ALWAYS, especially when I feel so lost and alone.
I know I get tired of being the one there for so many others and when I need it or ask for it, it just isn't there or people are busy with so many other things. I'm sure that others judgement of us comes to play in some of this but I have come to realize that if God places things on my heart than he will make them happen. He will provide a way and support me no matter how I FEEL inside. Life is really all about perception because if it is real to that person in their mind(even if that is not truly how it is) than that is their truth and what they are working with in their life. So often we discount people's feelings and tell them that they shouldn't feel that way when in fact we are just denying them the ability to address their feelings so they can move forward. I've done so much work since George's birthday and so much personal reflection and really praying.
Since that time and now each day, I have been given some very great opportunities to show God's love to someone else by simple acts of kindness. It is about showing God's love and getting past our own hang ups in life. I don't need someone elses support to be kind and show love to others. The other day I paid for a mans bill at Walmart. He was in front of me and his card wouldn't work. He was not well dressed and you could tell that life had hit him hard and I could feel it in his spirit. This man was embarassed and fumbling to pay the bill. With that I just asked the cashier how much it was and I don't even know why I did because I was going to pay that bill no matter what it was that we had in our bank...I knew God ment for me to do that. This stranger to me just kept telling me no and I just swiped the card and told him to let me do it as my gift to him because I could not buy my son a birthday gift since he was in heaven and I wanted to do that for him. He just kept thanking me and I handed him a card I carry in my wallet that had George's info on it and asked him to pass along the gift when he could in whatever manner he could. I didn't need his thanks nor did I want it...I knew I was meant to do it.
Today I had to speak with a woman from the welfare building in order to do our yearly update. Yes we get public assistance and I am not hiding it...my husband works hard and just doesn't make enough money. He still pays taxes out of his paycheck and we contribute to the world in a way we are called to do. This woman was calling me to do her job and at the end of the conversation I just told her I needed to thank her for her job today. With that she told me how much she needed to hear that today. Every day she has to tell people how she can or cannot help them...they are in there often times in tears at their rope end. She hears stories like ours and yet can barely do things to help these people like us. People have such a horrible perception of those who need help...we aren't just living on the system and drug addicts, we are eveyday people who life has happened to. I'm not going to deny that there are people who take advantage of the system but most of them are people who life has tossed around and who are grasping for something or someone to care or who can help. This woman was not the person who was suppose to call me, that person got transfered today last minute and she was given her desk plus the work she already had! She was having such a bad day and something in my heart compelled me to just thank her.
Why did I post about these moments I was given to show God's love? I don't say this to get sympathey or praise but rather the employ you to make a differenc in someone elses live just because you have listened to the holy spirit calling you or for those non believers, that "gut feeling" You could be changing someones life and not even know it. You never know where your simple act of kindness can go and how it may be passed on and change so many lives. How do I do this and why do I do this...I can do this because of the compassion I have learned through my life trials and why do I do this, because I know what it is like to be that person in need even just for a simple hug or kind word...it doesn't have to cost a dime!!! When I do this, that is when my son is living on through me...I get my strength, love, and understanding from my little monkey in heaven who still and will always live in my heart.
When I give part of my spirit to a person out of kindness, it is then that my son lives on and still changes lives...a 4.5 month old little boy has changed lives and yet he didn't speak, walk, or own a thing. Immagine what you can do...and if you choose to do something just based on reading this, George lives on through you too! It is amazing what love can do and how it can change the world! Reflect and consider all of this and see if you can find that place in your heart to share with others. If you ever feel compelled to share how you may have taken something from any of my postings, I would LOVE to hear from you...it just lets us know how much further our love and our son's love lives on through the world and changes it. May God be with you all today and always and you feel his love and show it through your own actions...this is not always easy but allow him to do his will and even mistakes will somehow be glorified or changed.
Until recently, I didn't realize that I was so angry with God and all the trials he has given us. We are good people who would give the shirt off our backs or our very last penny to a person in need. Growing up, I thought that being good was all it took to not have bad stuff happen and even a small part of me wants to believe that now. The thing is that God didn't promise that and so often he is using the trials for his own glory. I was angry that he did not save us from this pain and suffering...I've done what he has asked of me and been "good" and yet I hurt more the day he died.
The pain I talk about is such a deep rooted pain, down to the very core of my being. There were days I had wished I could have just curled up and died. I would lie in bed and just beg God to take the pain away and to help me through this to make it so I am able to find a way to glorify God through all of this because otherwise there is no purpose to all we are going through. It took me so long to want to do that through George's death but all along I have been trying to do that through the fundraisers, donations, random acts of kindness, and other things we have tried to do in George's memory. What I was really asking God was to allow me to do this not only on special days but every single day of my life.
I have come to realize that I can't wait for God to do this or help me do this for that matter but rather I know I need to take each day and live it for not only George but myself and my family included. George needs to live on through me and all that I do...I know he has but now I cannot count on others to help me through this because they can't. So often we have felt alone in this journey because so often when we did fundraisers or had a special thing in his memory not many people would respond or help us with it and so many times it came down to begging. His birthday really made this apparent to me when we asked people to tell us how George changed their lives or to even donate items for our stocking project and there were only a handful of people who did. This past week my niece had her 2nd birthday and I sat there thinking of how many friends and people my sister and her husband have in their lives as we went to my nieces second party and saw the gifts that where piled under the table from the day before. A part of me was jealous of this sort of love and support they had because so often I feel like we don't even have that when we are trying to do something good like our stocking project.
People so often misjudge us, not knowing our whole story, rather than embracing us for who we are all the way down to the worst part of who we are. Last night as Hugh and I discussed this, I said the same thing and as it came out of my mouth, I realized there is no one that will be able to ever do that except God. I spend my life worrying if I am doing things right or wrong by everyone elses standards worrying what they will think but not ever listening to that voice/gut feeling I know is God calling me to allow him to live through me and I live for him. He knows our story and loves us for our worst flaws and things that we do that are "good" will find a way of coming to fruition because he has placed them on my heart and I will do what I am called to no matter how much support there is and I will cherish those who do support us and love us no matter the number. This is hard for me but I have really prayed about it and plan to work on this part of myself. I know I have to just put my faith in God and do what he wants me to do rather than what I think others want or even what I want. My life is so far from what I wanted for myself and yet I would not change any of it because it made me who I am today and no matter what anyone thinks, I know I can stand before God today and be proud of who I am and what I have done.
I've come to find that the harder I try to listen to God the more opportunities I have had to be called to show love and support to someone else. Without George's death, I would not know how to connect with those who have had a significant loss in their lives and I know first hand how hard it is to find support and love because no one understands unless they have walked this path. We all grieve differently, myself included and there is no where for judgement from those who have not walked this path...we have a RIGHT to grieve how we need to...there is no map or directions on how to survive your child dying. This past year was not how I wanted to live but it has also taught me how NOT to live this new life. I needed this year of feeling lost because without it, I would not know what it is like to be found. Never will I be the same person I was before and at one point I yearned for that but now I am learning how to embrace the new me and the new life we lead. It isn't easy but I have to trust that God will provide what we NEED not what we want. God is using all of these trials to glorify him and also to show me he is here ALWAYS, especially when I feel so lost and alone.
I know I get tired of being the one there for so many others and when I need it or ask for it, it just isn't there or people are busy with so many other things. I'm sure that others judgement of us comes to play in some of this but I have come to realize that if God places things on my heart than he will make them happen. He will provide a way and support me no matter how I FEEL inside. Life is really all about perception because if it is real to that person in their mind(even if that is not truly how it is) than that is their truth and what they are working with in their life. So often we discount people's feelings and tell them that they shouldn't feel that way when in fact we are just denying them the ability to address their feelings so they can move forward. I've done so much work since George's birthday and so much personal reflection and really praying.
Since that time and now each day, I have been given some very great opportunities to show God's love to someone else by simple acts of kindness. It is about showing God's love and getting past our own hang ups in life. I don't need someone elses support to be kind and show love to others. The other day I paid for a mans bill at Walmart. He was in front of me and his card wouldn't work. He was not well dressed and you could tell that life had hit him hard and I could feel it in his spirit. This man was embarassed and fumbling to pay the bill. With that I just asked the cashier how much it was and I don't even know why I did because I was going to pay that bill no matter what it was that we had in our bank...I knew God ment for me to do that. This stranger to me just kept telling me no and I just swiped the card and told him to let me do it as my gift to him because I could not buy my son a birthday gift since he was in heaven and I wanted to do that for him. He just kept thanking me and I handed him a card I carry in my wallet that had George's info on it and asked him to pass along the gift when he could in whatever manner he could. I didn't need his thanks nor did I want it...I knew I was meant to do it.
Today I had to speak with a woman from the welfare building in order to do our yearly update. Yes we get public assistance and I am not hiding it...my husband works hard and just doesn't make enough money. He still pays taxes out of his paycheck and we contribute to the world in a way we are called to do. This woman was calling me to do her job and at the end of the conversation I just told her I needed to thank her for her job today. With that she told me how much she needed to hear that today. Every day she has to tell people how she can or cannot help them...they are in there often times in tears at their rope end. She hears stories like ours and yet can barely do things to help these people like us. People have such a horrible perception of those who need help...we aren't just living on the system and drug addicts, we are eveyday people who life has happened to. I'm not going to deny that there are people who take advantage of the system but most of them are people who life has tossed around and who are grasping for something or someone to care or who can help. This woman was not the person who was suppose to call me, that person got transfered today last minute and she was given her desk plus the work she already had! She was having such a bad day and something in my heart compelled me to just thank her.
Why did I post about these moments I was given to show God's love? I don't say this to get sympathey or praise but rather the employ you to make a differenc in someone elses live just because you have listened to the holy spirit calling you or for those non believers, that "gut feeling" You could be changing someones life and not even know it. You never know where your simple act of kindness can go and how it may be passed on and change so many lives. How do I do this and why do I do this...I can do this because of the compassion I have learned through my life trials and why do I do this, because I know what it is like to be that person in need even just for a simple hug or kind word...it doesn't have to cost a dime!!! When I do this, that is when my son is living on through me...I get my strength, love, and understanding from my little monkey in heaven who still and will always live in my heart.
When I give part of my spirit to a person out of kindness, it is then that my son lives on and still changes lives...a 4.5 month old little boy has changed lives and yet he didn't speak, walk, or own a thing. Immagine what you can do...and if you choose to do something just based on reading this, George lives on through you too! It is amazing what love can do and how it can change the world! Reflect and consider all of this and see if you can find that place in your heart to share with others. If you ever feel compelled to share how you may have taken something from any of my postings, I would LOVE to hear from you...it just lets us know how much further our love and our son's love lives on through the world and changes it. May God be with you all today and always and you feel his love and show it through your own actions...this is not always easy but allow him to do his will and even mistakes will somehow be glorified or changed.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Happy 3rd Birthday Little Monkey
Sunday was George's 3rd Birthday. It was such a hard day for me...probably the worst birthday since he died. I kept going back to the day he was born and could not get those images out of my head. The pain was so real and so deep in my heart that tears just rolled down my face throughout the day. We shouldn't be doing this...going to his grave and having cake without him here.
I had to sit back and think about why it was so hard this time around. Afer some contemplation, I realized it was because less and less people recognize it and celebrate it with us. Our confirmation was that morning but we invited people back to the house to have cake with us and very few people showed up. The only three people that were here, besides my parents and our little family, were my mother in law, sister Tara, and niece Talia. No one else came. We did have a few people send a card but most of them were strangers to our family. My one friend did send us an edible arrangement because she had the shingles. All in all, I have never felt more alone and my heart hurt more than ever but at least I know now why...Hugh and I have tried not to be disappointed in others but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother us at all.
We have asked people to do a good deed in George's memory and I don't even know if anyone did or did not. I had asked people to leave a message on his page or on our facebook event page but no luck and yet more disappointment. It hurts enough to know you are celebrating the life of a dead baby but to think that people couldn't find a way to come and support us on such a horrible day. From now on I think I am not going to invite others and just opt to do something with our little family because the let down feeling is so hard to cope with. Even with our confirmation, only a few people showed up to the church for that too. It was very important for us all and I am glad we did it and knew we at least had people there from our church family and also also my mom, my uncle, Richard's father/father's wife, and Barbara(a woman we met through one of Joshua's fundraisers) Richard's big brother from grief camp had wanted to come but I didn't get his email asking for our address until Monday. My Aunt Cathy did email me.
My brother said to me "I figured it wouldn't be bad since you have already done it twice before." That very question was what made me really think about why it was harder and when I realized it was the total lack of support that we felt this time around. I also could not get the thoughts of how three years ago he was alive and I got to meet him for the first time. I'm hoping that this season of grief isn't as bad as last year because I thought last year was worse than the year before and the way this season is going, I am praying that it only get better from here not worse.
I've found myself throwing my pain into cleaning and things like that to keep busy instead of being sad. At the end of the day it doesn't really help but it does make it so I can get through the days at least. My next big goal is to begin work on myself inside and out. If Hugh and I want one more baby than I want to be in the best shape all the way around. I know it seems odd to even be talking about that but we both want our last child in the next two years. I've gained quite a bit of weight because of medications I've taken and now it is time to get rid of that part of it. Part of my feelings will hopefully be worked through during that time because I want to work on my mind and body.
Please pray for strength and understanding on our part...we want to not feel let down by other people. It is just so hard to watch as no one shows up for things that are special to us and yet they show up for things others in our family do. Often it feels like a slap in the face. When we went to the rainbows program, the people there couldn't believe this sort of thing but I told them that in general that this is my life. I am there for others and yet when I need it the most I am often let down and sometimes that hurts even more than anything. You would think that since this has been pretty much my whole life, I would be used to this by now but I just am not. As we move forward, I pray for myself and my own feelings of inadequacy that comes with this sort of thing and the strength to look beyond all of this and to work on myself as a whole person. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I'm not sure how much I will be updating the next few weeks since it is so much harder right now to sit down and write.
I had to sit back and think about why it was so hard this time around. Afer some contemplation, I realized it was because less and less people recognize it and celebrate it with us. Our confirmation was that morning but we invited people back to the house to have cake with us and very few people showed up. The only three people that were here, besides my parents and our little family, were my mother in law, sister Tara, and niece Talia. No one else came. We did have a few people send a card but most of them were strangers to our family. My one friend did send us an edible arrangement because she had the shingles. All in all, I have never felt more alone and my heart hurt more than ever but at least I know now why...Hugh and I have tried not to be disappointed in others but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother us at all.
We have asked people to do a good deed in George's memory and I don't even know if anyone did or did not. I had asked people to leave a message on his page or on our facebook event page but no luck and yet more disappointment. It hurts enough to know you are celebrating the life of a dead baby but to think that people couldn't find a way to come and support us on such a horrible day. From now on I think I am not going to invite others and just opt to do something with our little family because the let down feeling is so hard to cope with. Even with our confirmation, only a few people showed up to the church for that too. It was very important for us all and I am glad we did it and knew we at least had people there from our church family and also also my mom, my uncle, Richard's father/father's wife, and Barbara(a woman we met through one of Joshua's fundraisers) Richard's big brother from grief camp had wanted to come but I didn't get his email asking for our address until Monday. My Aunt Cathy did email me.
My brother said to me "I figured it wouldn't be bad since you have already done it twice before." That very question was what made me really think about why it was harder and when I realized it was the total lack of support that we felt this time around. I also could not get the thoughts of how three years ago he was alive and I got to meet him for the first time. I'm hoping that this season of grief isn't as bad as last year because I thought last year was worse than the year before and the way this season is going, I am praying that it only get better from here not worse.
I've found myself throwing my pain into cleaning and things like that to keep busy instead of being sad. At the end of the day it doesn't really help but it does make it so I can get through the days at least. My next big goal is to begin work on myself inside and out. If Hugh and I want one more baby than I want to be in the best shape all the way around. I know it seems odd to even be talking about that but we both want our last child in the next two years. I've gained quite a bit of weight because of medications I've taken and now it is time to get rid of that part of it. Part of my feelings will hopefully be worked through during that time because I want to work on my mind and body.
Please pray for strength and understanding on our part...we want to not feel let down by other people. It is just so hard to watch as no one shows up for things that are special to us and yet they show up for things others in our family do. Often it feels like a slap in the face. When we went to the rainbows program, the people there couldn't believe this sort of thing but I told them that in general that this is my life. I am there for others and yet when I need it the most I am often let down and sometimes that hurts even more than anything. You would think that since this has been pretty much my whole life, I would be used to this by now but I just am not. As we move forward, I pray for myself and my own feelings of inadequacy that comes with this sort of thing and the strength to look beyond all of this and to work on myself as a whole person. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I'm not sure how much I will be updating the next few weeks since it is so much harder right now to sit down and write.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Happy Birthday Request
To all our friends and family, and those who read our blog...we are requesting that you find it in your heart to send a card for George or a small gift of some sort for his birthday. His big brothers feel he deserves birthday gifts/cards even though he is in heaven. They will be so excited to see cards coming in the mail. I know this is last minute but we just had this coversation not that long ago so I have just now posted the request. George would have been 3 years old if he was still with us on September 9th. The address that your heartfelt mailings can be sent to is:
7 Ellis Avenue, Lumberton, NJ 08048
We thank you in advance for thinking of us and being willing to share this special day with us in this manner. I also wanted to remind people about doing a random act of kindness in his memory on Sept 9th...it doesn't have to cost a dime to do something nice. If you would like a card to give to the person please email me at garman_family@yahoo.com and I will be glad to email you the cards we are using.
7 Ellis Avenue, Lumberton, NJ 08048
We thank you in advance for thinking of us and being willing to share this special day with us in this manner. I also wanted to remind people about doing a random act of kindness in his memory on Sept 9th...it doesn't have to cost a dime to do something nice. If you would like a card to give to the person please email me at garman_family@yahoo.com and I will be glad to email you the cards we are using.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Getting Closer
George's birthday is getting closer with each passing day. The only thing that I can think of is how three years ago he was safe and sound, alive, and in my womb. Now he is dead and my life is full of pain and such a huge hole in my heart where he took part when he left us here. This was not suppose to be our life...he was suppose to be here running around and he isn't. All that excitement of his arrival three years ago is now a time each year where I just have a sad feeling fill my heart because I remember what joy I had then but now it is all just pain. We have lost so much these past few years and no one will ever truly understand the extent of it all.
We did find out that this year our family will have something special happening on his birthday. Richard, Hugh, and I will be making our confirmation at our church. It came as such a surprise to find that it was scheduled on George's birthday. These moments when things like this happen, I know he is sending us signs that he is with us but it still hurts so bad when I think of how we should be having a birthday party but that won't be happening. I am glad however that this is the date we will make such a huge step in our faith and that we get to do this as a family. It will be very special and meaningful for us on so many levels, even now as I write this tears run down my face.
There are so many times that I wish I could visit him or just hear his laugh one more time. It hurts to think I can't even remember what his voice sounded like and how I never got to hear him say mommy or even just say his first word...we lost out on so many firsts and got dealt a whole year of firsts full of grief after he died. So often I have to just stuff my feelings away to be able to live but they always come back on such a greater scale. The closer we get to his birthday, the harder it is on me. Now I find myself crying in the shower or when I go to bed at night and even during the day there are times I just can't keep it together. I try to draw from my faith but sometimes I just don't know what God is thinking and feel it so unfair that we have had to endure all of this. Just three days before his birthday our house goes up for auction...how is that fair??? Why in the world do we have to endure this all right now. I'm trying to stay strong but every single part of me wants to just fall to pieces.
As we get closer to the 9th please pray for all of us...it isn't easy for any of us. I miss my little boy so much and my heart just hurts so bad right now. I know I need all the prayers I can to make it through this horrible time in my life...I know this will just be the way it will always be for me but I know God will get me through the moments when I want to just die and be with him so that I can still be here and do what I am being called to do. God's will is not always easy but it is also the road that will eventually lead me to my son again some day.
We did find out that this year our family will have something special happening on his birthday. Richard, Hugh, and I will be making our confirmation at our church. It came as such a surprise to find that it was scheduled on George's birthday. These moments when things like this happen, I know he is sending us signs that he is with us but it still hurts so bad when I think of how we should be having a birthday party but that won't be happening. I am glad however that this is the date we will make such a huge step in our faith and that we get to do this as a family. It will be very special and meaningful for us on so many levels, even now as I write this tears run down my face.
There are so many times that I wish I could visit him or just hear his laugh one more time. It hurts to think I can't even remember what his voice sounded like and how I never got to hear him say mommy or even just say his first word...we lost out on so many firsts and got dealt a whole year of firsts full of grief after he died. So often I have to just stuff my feelings away to be able to live but they always come back on such a greater scale. The closer we get to his birthday, the harder it is on me. Now I find myself crying in the shower or when I go to bed at night and even during the day there are times I just can't keep it together. I try to draw from my faith but sometimes I just don't know what God is thinking and feel it so unfair that we have had to endure all of this. Just three days before his birthday our house goes up for auction...how is that fair??? Why in the world do we have to endure this all right now. I'm trying to stay strong but every single part of me wants to just fall to pieces.
As we get closer to the 9th please pray for all of us...it isn't easy for any of us. I miss my little boy so much and my heart just hurts so bad right now. I know I need all the prayers I can to make it through this horrible time in my life...I know this will just be the way it will always be for me but I know God will get me through the moments when I want to just die and be with him so that I can still be here and do what I am being called to do. God's will is not always easy but it is also the road that will eventually lead me to my son again some day.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Third Day - Agnus Dei
This was played at George's service by my brother in law and it has always had a profound impact on me whenever I hear it. It brings me to the very moment when I felt God's presence during communion at our son's life celebration. I know He was with me during the most difficult time in my life...the day I burried my son and had to completely let him go to God. We are however coming up on what I call our season of grief that starts with his birthday and ends in February around when we had to completely release him into God's loving arms. Please pray for us as we go through this because this past year it was just horrible and I need to get back to that place where I find comfort in knowing he is with God rather than utter pain and saddness that he is gone from my arms.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
September 09...George's Birthday
As some of you know, George's birthday is coming up. George was born 09/09/09 and every year we try to do something special on his birthday to celebrate the blessing he was to our lives and the joy he brought to our family that day he joined it. I've been tossing around ideas as to what to do and I think I'm going to ask people to preform a random act of kindness in his name like we did last year. I've set up a Facebook event where you can leave comments on what you chose to do in his memory. We had very few people leave us comments last year and it was hard because we were hoping to read them on his birthday and know that he was being thought of and still changing the world so I am asking again that you take just a few seconds to leave a comment on the facebook page or here on his page.
We are also asking that if you feel it in your heart to send a card to the house so we can open them on his birthday, that would be greatly appreciated. If they arrive early we will just make a pile and open them as if we would open a gift. Also, should you find any monkey themed items, we always love to get them and the kids are always so excited to get packages/gifts in the mail, even if they are for their brother. These items can be sent to : The Garman Family 7 Ellis Avenue, Lumberton, NJ 08048 George's sibblings are young and still feel he deserves a gift/cards and I have to say it helps us all as we celebrate here on Earth without George here with us on such a special day.
Last but not least we are also going to begin to collect toiletries so we can continue the now yearly tradition of making Christmas stockings for the homeless at a local soup kitchen. This past Christmas was the first time we did this but it was so successful and helped us to get through the holidays without George being here. We are also going to allow people to sponsor a stocking again this year in honor/memory of someone who has touched their own life. If you would like a little blurb added about the person who you are sponsoring the stocking in honor/memory of we will gladly place it inside the stocking so they can be recognized/remembered by those who's life they touched with this simple gift. Sponsoring a stocking will be $5 again this year and donations can be made through the paypal account listed at the right.
We thank you all well in advance!!!
We are also asking that if you feel it in your heart to send a card to the house so we can open them on his birthday, that would be greatly appreciated. If they arrive early we will just make a pile and open them as if we would open a gift. Also, should you find any monkey themed items, we always love to get them and the kids are always so excited to get packages/gifts in the mail, even if they are for their brother. These items can be sent to : The Garman Family 7 Ellis Avenue, Lumberton, NJ 08048 George's sibblings are young and still feel he deserves a gift/cards and I have to say it helps us all as we celebrate here on Earth without George here with us on such a special day.
Last but not least we are also going to begin to collect toiletries so we can continue the now yearly tradition of making Christmas stockings for the homeless at a local soup kitchen. This past Christmas was the first time we did this but it was so successful and helped us to get through the holidays without George being here. We are also going to allow people to sponsor a stocking again this year in honor/memory of someone who has touched their own life. If you would like a little blurb added about the person who you are sponsoring the stocking in honor/memory of we will gladly place it inside the stocking so they can be recognized/remembered by those who's life they touched with this simple gift. Sponsoring a stocking will be $5 again this year and donations can be made through the paypal account listed at the right.
We thank you all well in advance!!!
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Me With My Prince Charming In Front of the Castle
