I don't need easy, I just need not so hard!

This is a quote from Eat Pray Love and it just fits my life right now. I miss George so much. This morning I opened the drawer in the kitchen looking for something only to come over a candle and it was a number 2 candle. With that, I just lost it and started crying. It just broke my heart and there was nothing I could do about it. I am at the point where I don't want to be a mom or a wife and need to just be alone but there is no place for that in my life right now. Every day is just another day I survive through and try to still find a way to be happy among such sorrow.

The pain never lets up, I just get better at handling it when it comes. Right now I am relying so much on Hugh and thanking God for him every single moment. I really hate when he has to leave for work because I feel so alone and lost. I've actually been putting on his clothes to just feel secure when he is gone. This morning he witnessed my break down and I just sobbed in his arms. I asked him how he does it? How is he so strong? I don't really know but lord I wish I could be that way. I know he hurts too but I think when I cry I often times cry for the both of us and as he holds me our heats ache together as they have since the day George died.

We also both appreciate and love Gabrielle in such a special way. She brings such joy to our lives and she and the boys are what keep us both going every single day. So often I think he has it more together than I do. I tend to zone out and although I am here most of the times my mind is somewhere else. Alot of my thought has been going to how I want to really spend the actually day he was born. Right now I am so anti social and the thought of having to put on that happy face is such a chore. My mom told me we are having a picnic Monday and I am really just dreading it all together. The boys go back to school and I am dreading that too and having to pull myself together to do the things that I am required to do when every part of me doesn't have any desire to do it.

I think that each year we try something new until we find what works. Last year we did the fundraiser and it was nice but I found that it was not something I wanted to do this year. I still wanted to do something special and that was when I came up with the random act of kindness for the day of his birth. I'm really excited but it still leaves this feeling of needing to do something a little more for the kids. They want to have a party but I am not up for that since the next day is my nieces and that is going to require all I have in me to make it through, especially since Hugh will be working. I'm thinking of maybe going to a hotel with the kids that has a pool and let them swim...then again we could go to the movies or something....I really am lost with it this year. Some part of me just feels as if my heart really isn't in it at all but I can't be that way for the kids.

The boys are so excited and have already started to decorate here at my parents house with balloons. It makes me smile but also makes my heart sad too. They want George to have cards and presents. I tried to tell them that babies in heaven don't usually get cards and presents and that was just not ok. Well when I figured I could not convince them otherwise, I went on wish upon a hero and asked people to mail some cards or small items for George's urn/mantle. There were a few kind hearts who have signed up to do that and I hope it makes the boys happy. I think I am going to leave what happens up to God and go from there...I'm tired of trying to plan things and am just walking away from that sort of stuff right now.

This is definitely much harder than last year was so please keep me in your prayers as I try to find out the best way to handle this. I know it is all going to be trial and error each year so we will see if this year works or if I have to find something new for next year.

Two years ago you blessed our family,

We were all filled with such joy

The moment we heard that first cry.

You were such a beautiful and perfect little boy.

Your smile lit up the room

Life could not get better than this

But one day that all changed

And now instead your smile we now miss.

God called you home sooner than we had planned

We had so many plans and dreams for you someday

God’s were greater and instead he called you to his side

Now in heaven you celebrate your birthday and play

This is not how we ever planned to celebrate such a special moment.

There was suppose to be balloons, streamers, candles, and cake

Decorations were to be hung up high with a banner

Family and friends to enjoy the party we would make

Instead my heart is heaven without you here

We have to celebrate you life with you in heaven

We don’t know how to do this and sometimes the pain is just so hard to bare.

Now as the days come close you are on our minds 24/7

I hope in heaven you can see how great our love is.

We will never forget you no matter how much time goes by

You are so special you still deserve to be celebrated

Even though to heaven you did fly.

A blessing to this world and all the lives that have been touched

Is now how we hold on tight to your memory in our heart

We know you would be proud of how we live life with you there

So celebrate your birthday in heaven and we will do so here…for no matter what happens we will never really part.

Happy birthday little monkey boy!

Celebrate how special a boy and the gift you are

Life isn’t the same but we would never forget

Instead we have to celebrate this special day from afar.

Hugs and kisses to our special boy!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

In Appreciation Of Grieving Mothers

Grieving Mothers this poem is for you.
May God Bless You, for all you do!
You are a safe harbor, where our thoughts can roam.
This lovely site, makes us all feel at home!

We, the mothers, have lost our heart!
The day our beloved children, from us, were torn apart!
Never again will any of us be the same,
But I know our loss is Heavens gain!

With much appreciation, I wanted you to know,
how very much your love does truly show,
So together we will survive,
keeping the memories of our beloved "kids" alive!

Someday, we all will be so glad,
that for this little while we were so sad!
That blessed day, when we all re-unite
Until then, thanks for your guidance, peace and light!

Authored by Shari Soklow

Random Act of Kindness Card

George Charles Garman
09/09/09-01/29/10
www.georgegarman.blogspot.com

You have been blessed to honor the memory of a sweet little boy in heaven on his birthday! He was a gift to all and now lives on through those he touched. Please keep his memory alive by doing a random act of kindness in his name and pass along this card. To find out more about this amazing little boy please visit his web page listed above.

George's Birthday

As you know George's 2nd birthday is coming up. It has been really hard and I have really been toying with what we as a family want to do. I know we will have cake for him but the boys want to have a party. After a conversation with them, they asked me if people will give George cards/presents. I tried to explain that you really don't do that for people in heaven. They still feel that George is getting the short end of the stick and feel it isn't fair! Great another thing I have to try and explain and find a way to work around. It would be a lot easier if they were a little older.

That being said they want to decorate and throw a party for their brother. We are all still doing the random acts of kindness but they want to see a tangible celebration of his life. I figured I would ask people to send cards or small gifts to add to George's mantle so he boys can throw their brother a party. If you are interested in helping us out by sending a card or something small we would really appreciate it. He was our little monkey so if you happen to find something with a monkey on it, that would be extra special. Handmade cards are great also. Mail things to: George Garman 7 Ellis Avenue Lumberton, NJ 08048 if you are willing to make these boys dreams of a party for their brother come to life. Thank you for finding it in your heart to do this.

Helping Children Grieve

Children can accept loss if there is something to hope for, something to look forward to. But if they view their lives as one loss after another, recovery is extremely difficult.

Here are some general guidelines in helping your children grieve:
• Understand that children have feelings even if they do not show them. A child's initial response, like adults, is denial.
• Tell your children about the feelings you are struggling with.
• Tell them they are not responsible for the loss.
• Help them understand what has happened. Share just enough details to satisfy their questions, avoiding anything that would traumatize them.
• Be there for them. They need more than words. Your presence can help them grieve the loss.
• Help them remember the good times and encourage them to share their emotions.
• Empathize with their hurt without condoning any wrong behavior.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (Isaiah 49:15).

Lord, You love my children even more than I do. Give me the wisdom to care for them and nurture them through my grief. Amen.