Yesterday we went to church with Richard and Michael. It was a good but emotional visit since it was Michael's first visit since George's service. Richard told Michael that we were going to see George...Michael did not understand that and I forsaw a host of problems in our future. I knew what Richard meant but Michael didn't. We were left to have to try and explain things once we got to church.
We took Michael over to George's grave. He stood there and asked where George was. We pointed to the ground and told him that he was under the dirt. Michael just looked at us puzzled and just kept asking since he didn't understand. Every part of me just wanted to cry standing there trying to explain this and hating the fact that I had to do it. This week was just full of moments I did not want to have but was forced to and right now I surely need a vacation.
I think we did finally explain it enough for him to understand at this point. He still was kind of confused but when we got back to my mom's he said he went to visit George at church so I guess he kind of got it. He had thought a doll on a chair in the toy room was George and once he picked it up he realized it wasn't. I think that may have been when he really understood at least as best as he could.
I was quite greatful to finally watch the recent Disney movie The Princess and the Frog. That is the first movie that has someone die in it. For the first time I have to say I was so greatful for something like that because I think it helped for the kids to understand a bit better. The firefly gets stepped on but finds his place up in the heavens as a star next to the love of his life. You saw them have a funeral for the firefly and the firefly return to heaven! I was so shocked but never more happy to finally see something able to explain things to the boys a bit better.
After church we went to my mom's where Josh was. My uncle happened to be there and he happened to have a dog that he was a foster parent for. The dog's family had droped him off at a store and my uncle told the store owner that he would watch it. I had just started to do the rsearch on dogs and service dogs and how to train them and work with them. She was a little shy at first but once she warmed up to you she was all puppy. She is 4 months old and already house broken(always a huge reason I didn't want a dog.) Richard was just in love with her and she took to him right away. She also took to me. The little boys are a little fast moving so it was harder for her with them.
She was a perfect size, not to big and not to small, and she has a great temperament. I sat there and prayed about it and when Josh turned to me and asked if he could have the dog, I just knew it was meant to be. She came with a $0 price tag which was even more inviting since we don't really have a lot of money to spend. We have taken her home and she did really well last night. She follows Richard and I around and has found comfort in the little boys too. We have to pick a name still and I need to really begin to look into training her. She is very smart and I think she will be a huge help in the healing process of the family.
After I said ok, I had to leave to go to a rehearsal. I am singing with a group of tallented people for a concert and we had a get together that I had to go to. There were a lot of great people there and my sister Tara is in it with me. My friend Maribeth was also there. It was a great way to just get away from the saddness from loosing Goeorge and find peace within myself. Music has always been a huge healer for me.
I find it kind of wierd when you see people for the first time following the loss of your child. People just don't know how to handle things or respond. My friend and I were sitting next to each other when she commented on my earings. I had bought them after George died, they are saphires and have 4 tiny stones. Saphires were George's birthstone and my favorite stone and I got them because of the 4 stones which stood for each of my boys. When she found out she just appologized to me. I told her it was ok but you could tell she was kind of akward with the comment for she did not want to hurt my feelings.
We got done after a great rehearsal and my friend, my sister, and I stayed outside chatting. Both my Tara and Maribeth were very careful as to what they said and talked about in my presence. You could tell that both of them were kind of akward with certain topics, especially children. Finally, Maribeth just asked me outright about Michael's upcoming birthday party. Her son is still young and she was worried about coming to Michael's party because she did not want to upset me.
That is when I just told them that I don't know what will hurt and what won't. I would rather it be with people I am comfortable then those who are strangers. Yes there are going ot be things that make me sad and things that I just cna't do but I still have to live life. Little kids are going to make me sad but they are also going to bring me joy. There has not been a day I have not looked at my own kids and cried because of the pain loosing George has brought and I mourn the loss of my own dreams for him.
I had thought about skipping Michael's party all together but knew I could not do it to him even though he probably won't ever remember it. Dispite my best efforts,I could not justify not having his party for him no matter how hard it was going to be on Hugh and I. There are going to be things that I am just going to be sad with like shopping in the baby section, watching friends whos kids were born around the time George was, baby showers, and all sorts of other things. They are all part of life though and that is what I am living so I will have to learn to cope dispite the pain they cause.
I cannot tell you how greatful that I was that she brought it up rather then not come because of that. Hugh and I appreciate a more forward approach rather then the huge elephant in the room feeling we get majority of the time. We are going to have good and bad times because this is now part of our lives and will be forever. People have said things that hurt but we have learned to know that they mean well or that they just don't really understand and that is ok. We are greatful for our friends and family who have been here for us dispite their own lack of knowledge and understanding. We would not want anyone to know this pain or the aftermath and feelings that go with it.
My sister and I started to talk a little more about it on the way home. She is pregnant so it has been akward for her since she is finding excitement and joy in her life that only carrying your child brings. I know this all to well and don't want to take that from her either. The thing that brought tears to my eyes was when she said that she has thought hard about using George's things. I never wanted to ask her because i know how sensitive she is and how she would want her own things for her baby. Most people don't want hand me downs from a baby that has died. The very thought of that made me sad as I had taken everything out of his closet and drawers this weekend. She told me she had thought hard about it and if she is having a boy she would be happy to take and use George's things. Even now I sit here crying because it has meant so much to me. I cannot explain why but it does.
Hugh and I have already discussed that very thing for ourselves. We both think that we could not really use his things for another baby we could possibly have sometime in the future when we are ready. Seeing another child of ours would be extrmeley hard for both of us because of the memories and the fact we would not want the baby or anyone feel like we are replacing George. We of course don't have to make that decision for a long time but it is something that you think about over and over again as you go through their things. I don't know if we will ever truly be at peace with these sorts of things but I know that we will get through it all no matter what.
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