Good Cry

Tonight Richard and I sat here and cried together. We went through all the pictures that we have of George on my pc. I sat with his web page up and listened to our song list while we went through all the photos. My God...we miss him so much. Our hearts ache so bad. The pictures made us laugh and cry. Our hearts feel like part of it is missing and empty. I'm so glad he is going to camp this weekend.

It was really nice to sit with him and have that time together. Richard is so much like me in so many ways. He is a tough guy on the outside but breaking apart on the inside. Letting other's know you are sad is hard because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You are always the strong one...that is both of us in a nut shell. The staff at the hospital was so taken back by the way he carried himself that day. I was so proud of him in so many ways. Every single time I look at him I know that Hugh and I did something right with him. He has been through so many trials in his life.

We sat here and had a very long and in depth conversation about several things. He is such a great young man. It was very emotional for so many reasons. He was up late talking to me. I think I am going to let him stay home tomorrow...I think he just needs an R&R day with mom. We will probably go get the things he needs for camp and then do lunch. The reality of George's death is really beginning to sink in for all of us. The pain and aching on our hearts is just so much. We are realistic about it all and know that God had a greater plan but that does not make it hurt any less. We also talked about him creating his own blog page or a digital journal type of thing(due to his TS he has a hard time writing but finds it easier to type) to write down his own feelings.

It is so hard for a parent to loose a child and have other children to be there for. You are barely able to keep it together and not only do you hurt for the child you lost, you hurt for those here who are hurting as badly as you are and trying to cope. You want to take their pain away but know you cannot do so since no one can do it for you. The sibblings left behind have such a hard place in life. I did get a hold of the local hospice group that has a camp around here in August. They apparently have a kids grief group that meets and they are sending me info on it for Richard. After this weekend we will evaluate where he stands and see what he wants to do.

I don't know what is better, to be Richard or the younger guys. The younger guys don't get it and I feel sad for them becaue they will not really remember their little brother and how great he was. We will tell them but the memories will not be there for them like they are for us. Richard hurts now but will always have those meomories for the rest of his life...we were talking about George's infectious smile and how it just warmed you heart and brought a feeling like nothing else. Both situations are very difficult to handle as their parents. You try to help them all cope but are fumbling yourself with shuch a difficult life experience. This pain is something that no one will ever forget and only those who have gone through this experience will truly understand.

We did finally get the Sesame Street greif package in. It is very nice but is more geared towards the loss of a parent. They do reference other losses but only briefly. I have not watched the video they sent but I did read both books. It is a great program...I only wish there was something directed to the loss of a sibbling...there is very little if anything out there for children who loose a brother or sister.

I have decided that I want to begin making cards/items for people who loose children. During Mother's Day, I could not find a single card for someone who lost a child that recognized the loss and how hard it was. There is nothing for miscarriages either and that is the loss of a child too. These losses are so great ad we hate to acknowledge that bad things happen to children but I can tell you how important it is to have something saying the appropriate thing to a grieving family member. There are no birthday cards to recognize the child...just because they earned wings does not meant hat these dates don't have meaning to those left behind.

I think this is going to be a very healing week in so many ways but also extremely emotional. We will see how it all goes...whatever God has planned. I leave it in his hands...that is what faith is all about.