Quality Time

Today I let Richard stay home from school. After the night he had last night I felt he really needed some TLC. The two of us spent the morning together. We went to breakfast at Bob Evans and then to Target to get the rest of the items he needs for camp this weekend. It was nice to spend that time with him. For so long it was just the two of us when his dad went to prison. Our live were turned upside down then and we clung to each other to just make it through. Hugh came into our lives and it was no longer just the two of us. So many times both Richard and I took for granite that we live in the same house and go our own ways. It was nice to get back to a time in the "old days" when he was younger.

During out time together I realized how much he has grown up. He is no longer a little boy, he is a young man. I'm so greatful for the relationship that we have. At Target we sat in the parking lot talking about life and death and the events of the day that George earned his wings. It is amazing how you block out so many of those bad memories but then again, in an instant, you can remember them vividly. Those memories are the hard ones that can just really overwhelm you and take your breath away. I was glad he could talk to me about it all and I could talk to him too. We came home and he spent time with Hugh playing a video game. He came to me tonight and thanked me for the day...saying how much he really needed it.

Early this morning I got a call from my sister Tara. She sounded so upset and I thought that something was wrong with her baby...but was greatful to find out that I was wrong. She called to tell me about a dream she had last night. It was a dream of Her, George, and I. She just kept telling how real it was. I knew exactly what she was talking about because I remember my dream where I KNOW he was there with me. I've had other dreams but the one I am talking about was very different. I know he came to me in my dream to let me know he was ok... and he did that with my sister last night. She told me that I needed to go to his garden...she kept thinking of the song "Come to my Garden" from the musical The Secret Garden. Little did she know that I sang that song to him all the time! I would sing the song that was sung at his service and then find myself singing him the very song she had running through her head.I know it bothered her for the rest of her day. The whole day she was on my mind and I knew she was having a hard day.

Richard and I went to his garden before we left for our morning. We had also went to our church and put a pinwheel with monkey stickers on the place we had laid him to rest in their memorial garden. We do want to look into having his name put on their plaque there...didn't realize they had one. We only put some of his ashes there but it is sort of like our cemetery for him. I wasn't sure which garden I was suppose to go to but I felt the need to go to both. Richard and I just sat there on the bench outside and enjoyed the peace and quiet. We talked about our regrets that we live with...yes, heven he had them, which surprised me. He was so upset that he didn't give his little brother a kiss the night before. As always he was dragging his feet to go to bed and Hugh finally just sent him to bed and Richard never did kiss him and now he regrets that.

I explained how we all have them but that Georgie has let us all know in his own way that he is ok and that it is ok to move on with life. I have a huge laundry list of regrets as I am sure so many others do. We all have so many things we are greatful for and things that we wish we had done differently. Those what if's always sneak in there somehow. It is so hard to live with those even though you know you can't change them. When you don't have a chance to really say goodbye it is very hard. I find it is even harder when there are no answers. You just have such a hard time finding closure. Yet when I had my dream it was like he was telling me it was ok...I was given my one chance to do just what I didn't get to do...say goodbye. My heart aches knowing the only time I will ever see him while I am here on Earth is through my dreams. The one thing I have learned is to make each moment count as if it were your last...make sure your time here on Earth is of Quality rather then Quantity...George was truly proof of that very thing.