Yet again it is almost 5am and I have been awake for the past two hours. I've got a cold so of course sleep is just very difficult. Once I am awake, falling back to sleep is always a challenge. Since George died, it has become even worse for me. My mind goes a million miles a minute as I try to make sence of this life. I really don't understand it sometimes but then again, I guess I am just not meant to, or at least maybe not now.
Hugh went for a job interview yesterday for the first time in a long time. He has been putting applications in just about everywhere but there are very few jobs here in our area. I have even found that to be true for myself since I started to look for something part time to help offset income unti I can return to work full time. I happened to get a call the other day for a part time position for a chiropractic office but it is a 20min drive to Yardley, PA. The job really is ideal since it only starts around 1:30pm till they close and every other Sat. The woman was really nice and I hope to hear from her once she talks to the doctor at the office.
Hugh on the other hand got a call the same day that I did about working for a vending company. He would load those vending machines we all see everywhere we go. There are a lot of pros but definately a few cons. He would have to be up and moving by 2am...for him, he goes to bed at that time! That will be a huge adjustment for him. In the beginning he would be on the road 12-14 hrs until he becomes proficient in his route. He seemed very excited after the interview and I ask that you keep him in your prayers.
I've asked that of a lot of people the past few days. Hugh has had such a rough go with things, we all have, and I think it is always hard when you just don't understand it all. How is it that God could take our little boy yet give someone else a child that they beat or just don't care about? It really makes no sence. Why has he taken so many people from us in the past few years? Why the days they were and the circumstances? So many questions but no answers. For many people this can be completely frustrating and I have to admit at times I feel that way myself, otherwise I would not be human.
My sister emailed me telling me that she prayed for Hugh. I told her to keep praying and as I sat there writing that, I also wrote something else. I told her that I no longer pray for specifics. When I pray to God, I pray for his will. To be honest that is probably the hardest thing in the world to do. We have watched as our lives came crashing down around us and yet we stand there in the rubble praying for his will. It always facinated me when people would tell me they were able to do that, because I never could wrap my head around that. I think it is only when you are on your knees do you realize that it is all in his control.
When Hugh lost his job, we both were devistated and could not figure it all out. It seemed as if, whenever we finally get going in the right direction, something always seems to stand in the way and we are detoured in strange unfamiliar territory. It isn't like being detoured in your hometown, it is like being detoured in another country where you don't speak the language, have no GPS, or no map. I don't know about you but I know as soon as I see a sign saying detour in unfamilar territory, it makes my heart race. There is some sort of panic mixed with tons of other emotions as you follow the signs you hope will take you where you wnat to be. Will you miss a sign or know where you are when you are finshed the detour? Instead of following the signs, did you turn somewhere else and get to where you needed or did you faithfully follow the signs? If you didn't follow them did it did you find your way to where you were going? Did taking the detour take you to where you planned to go, just in a round about way?
Much of life is like that. God has a plan laid out for us all, and we will all get there eventually. Unfortunately, we only see what is directly in front of us. We don't know if there are detours along the way or if the path will take us in a direction we did not anticipate being. I can say that is true for the majority of my life. Many times I have second guessed or asked why to only be given the answers later on down the road. Somethings, I just will never understand and I am now ok with that.
I remember the devistation we have felt each time another obstacle was placed before us. Hugh's job loss was a huge one and so was George's death. The wierd part for me was that I always had a peace about me with both situations. That doesn't mean I didn't worry or was not devistated because I did and was. Deep in my soul there has always been a peace. I now thank God every single day for Hugh's lay off. Never in my life did I ever think I would be able to say that. He got to spend time with Goerge that he never would have taken for himself and would have regretted the day George passed had things been different. We struggled to pay bills and still do but every time I start to worry about those things, I think of my grandmom telling me "God will provide" and he does.
God provides in so many ways during our hours of dispare, it is just up to us to recognize it. I can honestly say that there are days that I would not breath if it was not for God's presence in my life. It is as if he is there with me walking me through every single breath just as a husband walks his wife through every single breath during child birth. The pain always seems so great and that it will never end but yet it does and we make it through no matter how many hours it takes to just hold that miracle in our arms. To me, that is what life is, a miracle. Every single moment is a miracle that we are given to do something with in order to make a difference in this world. Just like a mom having contractions, you have ones you make it through really well because you are focused, and others you wish the pain would end and that is all you can think about so it always seems horrible.
I remember so many times asking God for specific things because my grandmom would always say that you need to be specific when you pray. Well, I cannot say that I do that anymore. I've learned to leave it in God's hands and listen for his answers becase sometimes they don't come with great fanfair, they come as wispers in the wind. Now, I just pray for his will because dispite what I pray for, that will be what is done in the end anyway. He knows my heart and my desires but I know his plans are different then I could ever immagine. It was proven time and again in my life. I guess when it all comes down to it, that is really what is the difference and what true faith is all about. It doesn't mean it will be easy but no matter the circumstances, it will be His will not ours.
I miss my little boy more then words can even say. My heart breaks every single day from the pain his loss has left in my heart. Tears stream from my eyes daily as visual sings of th tears my heart sheds for him. Memories are full of mixed emotions. Among all of that, there is still a peace about me because I know it was God's will and that this is all part of his greater plan even though I don't know what that plan is. I also know that dispite how hard it is, God is there carrying me during the times I cannot walk myself..."...it was then that I carried you."
Footprints
Carolyn Carty, 1963
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
No comments:
Post a Comment